True Blood: The Second Coming

Half the cast tells the other half what’s been going on in Bon Temps, Sookie further discovers herself, Jason proves a wily hero, Tara’s soul is struggled for, and Sookie consoles Eric. Except that the last bit — the best part of an important episode with too much talk and too little action — is just a dream.

You Can’t Go Home Again
Bon Temps looks different to Sookie and Jason. Either they’re growing up and have had their eyes opened by the wider world, or it’s just Maryann. And look, there’s a meat tree, courtesy of Maryann herself! It’s like a Christmas tree decorated with internal organs.

Hilariously, Hoyt’s mom has caught the black-eyed curse. To Jason: “Why don’t you offer yourself up to me, you dirty little monkey?� They distract her with the Wii — very Shaun of the Dead — while Hoyt updates Bill and the Stackhouses on clawed beasts and parties. When Jason realizes he missed out on a new waitress, he heads to Merlotte’s to defend his territory against the mysterious magic.
 
Sookie and Bill check on Gran’s place, or , as Hoyt keeps calling it, Maryann’s. There’s a forest growing inside, and Maryann wants to know what they’re doing walking into her home — but by supernatural law it’s apparently still Sookie’s, because Maryann doesn’t have to invite Bill in. Maryann attacks Sookie, Bill attacks Maryann, Maryann begs him to ravage her — and Bill vomits copiously when he tries to bite her. Maryann caresses Sookie’s face and just has to ask: “What are you?� When Sookie then channels some sort of electricity to shock Maryann, the dark lady merely cackles. “That was fun!�
 
Hoyt’s mom really wants to join the party at Merlotte’s, and she’s pissed at her son: “Oh, you’re Dirty Harry now, because you’re dipping your penguin dick in that vampire slut?� She gripes that he’s taking after his daddy, who was half a man — is there more to Hoyt than we thought? Before we get an answer, Jessica loses all patience with this woman and leans in to bite her.
 
In the car and still puking, Bill threatens to kill Maryann. Sookie’s all, “Great. How you gonna do that, honey?� Because Bill’s no Eric. And he’s pissed when he finds out Eric has Lafayette selling V again.

Lettie Mae and Lafayette have a surly and bewitched Tara tied up. They try love, slapping, some Christianity (“Jesus and I decided to see other people, but that don’t mean we don’t talk from time to time�), but she joyfully announces that the dark god will kill us all. Sookie tries to read her thoughts but it’s just a black void. Bill tries to glamour her. The combo eventually works — or is it just that the townsfolk think they’ve seen their sacrifice? Hugs and tears all around.

Sookie wouldn’t mind so much if Maryann was just after people’s hearts, but she wants their souls too. Bill flashes back to his Jazz Age reading about Bacchus. There’s one vampire who might be able to take care of this. Sookie doesn’t like letting him go without her, but, well, look what happened to Bon Temps the last time she took off.
Bite Count: One by Bill, maybe one by Jessica. And, what, no sex or death?
 
The God Who Came
Hiding out in a cheap motel, Andy complains to Sam that Bon Temps is just like New York now, with people banging their heads on posts and pissing all over the sidewalk. Sam recaps for Andy, because the drunk detective blacked out and forgot everything they talked about last night: Maryann’s a Maenad, she’s killed already, she won’t leave until she can honor Dionysus by cutting out Sam’s heart in front of a bunch of naked people. He skips the whole shape-shifter thing.

They go to Merlotte’s when Arlene calls begging for help, but she comes after Sam with a knife, black-eyed, chastising Terry for shooting out the good liquor rather than the bottom shelf.  Sam and Andy barricade themselves in the walk-in freezer. Luckily for them, an opportunity for phone sex distracts the woman who was supposed to call Maryann.
 
Jason enters the bar as a sort of chainsaw-wielding Rambo, finding a mess of sex, billiards, coke-snorting, and lesbian mustard-licking. He fires up the saw, but no one cares, even when he cuts the music. He hits Terry and puts a nail gun to Arlene’s head (remember “the Lexus of nail guns� in The Wire? That was cool). The crowd and even Arlene herself urge him to kill her. Terry’s eyes are still black, but he’s present enough to defend Arlene, and he gives the order to retreat. Jason secures the area and lets Andy and Sam out of the freezer — just in time for the deranged townsfolk to throw a beer keg through the window and push their way back in, declaring, “The god who comes always gets what he comes for.�

And then they crucify Sam atop a station wagon. Jason, inspired anew by that god-who-comes pun, sets off some flares and dons a dust mask to masquerade as the deity. His plot almost fails when Terry remembers the horny god has horns, but Andy helpfully holds a branch behind his head. Sam plays along, asking the god to smite him. Things are nearly derailed again when Jason doesn’t recognize that particular vocabulary word, but he finally declares Sam smote — and Sam disappears, leaving behind a pile of clothes. Jason sends the crowd back to Maryann, and Sam transforms back from a fly, puts on an apron, and puts out those flares.
 
When Bill arrives at the palace to great Her Majesty, all we see before the credits is a bloodied foot. That’s probably supposed to be a cliff-hanger, but we’re pretty sure it’s just the queen’s snack.
Booty Count: Yeah yeah, orgy, yeah yeah.
Body Count: Faked!