1. Vanderpumps. Dawn. Lisa reminds the houseguest of his lot in life.
Lisa: You remember Cedric, my permanent houseguest? Yes, we’ve let the situation get out of hand. No, I have no idea how to rectify it. He works for us, right? And now he also lives with us. I guess eventually he’ll move out. He wants to get married and have kids and be a housewife. He wants to be me, in other words. Should I worry that he’s wormed himself into my life? Will I wake up one day to the sight of a hot Frenchman in an off-the-shoulder fuchsia gown hovering over me, cleaver aloft? Will my husband be able to tell us apart once we’re chopped up in the freezer in the basement? I mean, his mind is not what it was — and it wasn’t much to begin with.
2. Camille turns to Nick in her time of fabricated need.
Camille: Oh my God. Like, Kyle. You know? I mean, she kept asking me questions about my vacation to Hawaii with my kids and my kids’ staff. She said, why would anyone be interested in you without Kelsey there? [Wide eyes, neck bob.] And I’m like, ouch. Am I really so invisible? [Wide eyes, neck bob.] Are my kids and staff just pretending to like me to get to him? [Purse, blink, nod.] Don’t answer that.
Nick: Sorry, did you say something?
3. Taylor and Kyle go shopping.
Taylor: Oh, hi! Thanks for picking me up. Oh my God. Look at this little dog Russell got for Kennedy. I knew it would become all about me somehow. Now I have to take care of it all the time! Oh, that? That’s Kennedy. It’s always so hard to leave them on days they have school. Quick, let’s get out of here before she tries to come after us.
4. Adrienne and Kim go shopping.
Kim: Another way I’m not like Kyle is that Kyle has lots of friends, whereas I choose mine very carefully. Like, Adrienne? She’s all about family, just like I am. Her uncle died while we were shopping, and she totally stopped browsing just a few minutes after getting the news. Then she rushed home to be with her mom.
5. Camille gathers around the table with her assistant, her house manager, her lover, and his wife. The phone rings.
Camille: Oh my God, it’s Adrienne. Oh my God, her uncle croaked. Are my hands fluttering in a convincing manner? I’m trying to look shocked and empathetic. Is this what empathetic looks like? Does anybody here know? Oh my God, when Adrienne gave me the news I felt bad and everything, I thought, “Thanks for ruining my big weekend, old dude. You couldn’t have clung to life for one or two more days?†But some people only think about themselves, you know? I just hope nobody else dies while we’re trying to have fun. It’s not cool. [Wide eyes, neck bob.]
6. Kyle and Lisa observe their brainwaves.
Lisa: So, Kyle on a plane? They could make a movie starring Samuel Jackson. It’s a horror show, only stupider. I invited this guy over — Tom Silver, hypnotherapist. That’s how he introduces himself: Tom Silver, hypnotherapist. He puts a headband on Kyle and before you know it, she’s slack-jawed on the couch. I think that might have happened without the headband, though. I don’t know.
7. Camille makes do with 3,500 square feet in Manhattan.
Camille: I know it sounds obnoxious, but with the kids, the staff, my double-wide husband, and my gargantuan ego, we barely fit in here. I don’t know if I can spend a summer or a year in this confined space. [Purse, blink, nod.] My husband wants to stay in New York but I think he’s just in the honeymoon stage. With the apartment, I mean. [Wide eyes, neck bob.] Watch me pretend to look on fondly as he pretends to have a pillow fight with the kids.
Kelsey: Thirteen years. Thirteen years I spent with her. I accept your pity.
8. Camille takes her dying mother out for a restorative manicure and self-involved monologue.
Camille: My mom lives in New Jersey, and I’ve been traveling in three different time zones and I really needed to get my nails done (oh, and I really wanted to see my mom), so I called her and I said, “Join me!â€*
Camille (to her mom): So, how’s terminal illness going? Isn’t it awesome that Kelsey found you a great doctor? But you know, unfortunately, this genetic gene** is in our family. So I’ve had a battery of tests done, and then I flew from Hawaii with my blondtourage and the kids’ nannies … and now I’m tired! How dare you pass on this genetic gene to me! Don’t you know I’m busy producing a show for Nickelodeon? Okay, almost producing it? And usually when you go through something like this, something like your mom going through chemotherapy in New Jersey while you have lunch and shop in Beverly Hills, you have your husband at your side! I don’t mean you, Mom, I mean me! And now Kelsey’s moved and I have a mutation and I have to think about your health on top of everything else!
Mom: There, there, you unfathomable bitch.
*Verbatim transcription.
**Verbatim transcription.
9. Kyle, Kim, Lisa, and Taylor impersonate Charlie’s Angels at LAX (Kim is made to play Bosley), where the groundwork is laid for a Camille-Kyle standoff.
Kim: Being a child actress — did I mention I was a child actress? — I know what it’s like to have friends hate you because they can’t handle your fame. That’s what Camille goes through with Kelsey, only she’s married to him and has serious delusions of grandeur. She’s insecure.
Kyle: Obviously, I’m not a psychiatrist, but that’s what’s called projecting. I’m also not a hypnotherapist, but I am feeling a deeper sense of calm. Unless I’m around. Or my sister. In which case I freak out. That’s what’s called anger.
10. Man Date!
Ken: Where’s my wife?
Paul: Remember we explained that Lisa loves you very much, and she’ll be back after the weekend?
Ken: What? I feel like my arm’s been cut off!
Mauricio: You’ll be okay.
Ken: I mean, who’s going to cut my meat?
Paul: Here, I’ll do it. And I’ll give it some cheek bumps while I’m at it.
Russell: How do you stay married for 28 years? I’d like to learn from your mistakes.
Ken: Never go to bed mad.
Mauricio: I’d rather be happy than right.
Paul: What’s wrong with you people?
11. Girl’s Night Out, Part 1
Kyle (to Camille): Hey, thanks for inviting me to New York and inviting me to Kelsey’s premiere and putting me up in this suite. I just wanted to clear up the misunderstanding between us. The thing you thought I said about people not being interested in you without Kelsey? Well, you’re fucking delusional. Plus, you never return my calls.
Camille (to Kyle): That’s ‘cause I’m shy.
Kyle: You’re insecure.
Camille: I hate you.
Kyle: No, I hate you.
Camille and Kyle: Great chat! Glad we talked! Mwah.
12. Girl’s Night Out, Part 2
Camille: The bitch called me insecure!
Kyle: Uh, I’m a little confused. Because in my experience with my sister, I can be as passive-aggressive as I want and there are no repercussions at all!
Lisa: What happened between the suite and here? I thought you pretended to kiss and make up so we could pretend to have a nice time?
Camille: I thought about it and my brain decided to get mad because it wasn’t doing anything else.
Lisa: Maybe I should go back to the English countryside, now that Madonna’s gone.
Camille: It’s my full-time job to nurse imagined injuries, because I’m the designated Borderline of the particular Housewife group!
Kyle: You took it like a jab because you’re paranoid? What? Now you’re going to read something into that? What’s wrong with being called paranoid? I’d be A-OK with it if I was paranoid!
Camille: You threw a jab at me!
Kyle: You can put on your little voice and try to act all nice. ***
Camille: You know whaaaa? Aaah so abbuhvvv thiis …
Kyle: You need to get help! But thanks for the great night!
***Verbatim transcription.
13. Girl’s Night Out, Part 3
Camille: You attacked me with your questions about my vacation!
Kyle: I’m going to explode in rage now! I don’t know why! Am I jealous? I can’t be jealous, can I? What’s happening to me??
Camille: Ha, ha! Point Camille!
Lisa: None of this would be happening in the English countryside. And to think I could be at a spotted-dog show right now.
Kyle: How is it that I’m the comparatively sane one here and you’re making me look like a lunatic? It’s not fair!
Camille: I win!