Charlie Sheen claims to be operating on a totally different frequency than the rest of us, and he may be right; with those instant catchphrases and radio-friendly rants, he’s like a veteran shock jock who’s spent years broadcasting on a channel we’ve all just turned the dial to. (Perhaps that’s why Sheen was such a frequent call-in guest on obscure radio shows last week — it’s the format that’s the best fit for his outsize, hostile personality.) And just as you might need a quick introductory course to pick up on all the inside jokes and recurring bits you’d hear from Howard Stern and Tom Leykis if you were tuning in for the first time, an extensive glossary of Sheenisms is a must for parsing Sheen’s current media blitz. Fortunately, Vulture is here to help! Here are all the terms you’re likely to hear over and over from Sheen over the next few weeks.
Charlie Sheen
proper noun, verb, Sheened, Sheening
1. the actor whose erratic behavior may have cost him his lucrative job as a sitcom lead
2. the perfectly legal, yet dangerous substance that said actor claims to use recreationally, e.g., “I’m on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will dieâ€
3. the act of behaving in a manner akin to this actor, as in Trey Parker and Matt Stone telling David Letterman that they were “Sheening pretty hard†when they cross-dressed at the Oscars
Goddesses
plural noun
1. women available for sexual favors, positive reinforcement, and lounging seductively just offscreen, including (but not limited to) porn stars and wayward graphic designers
2. the sort of woman who might require a lot of verbal hand-holding when asked to make instant coffee during your TMZ Live interview (“It’s the premade. The instant. Mix the water with the powder. Don’t confuse herâ€)
Warlocks
plural noun
men whose special powers (shooting poetry from one’s fingertips, converting tin cans into gold) have earned them a dispensation from the Vatican to commit assassinations
See also: “gnarly gnarlingtonsâ€
Winning
verb (frequently used)
1. the act of triumphing over studio executives, famous fathers, and jerky show-runners, who then have no choice but to “lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser livesâ€
2. an exclamation point used at the end of a sentence, e.g., “Sorry, you thought you were just messing with one dude. Winningâ€
Bi-winning
verb
1. a term that can be used to lighten the mood when asked about mental illness (“I’m not bipolar, I’m bi-winningâ€)
2. successfully convincing two bottle-blond porn actresses to make out with each other
Chaim Levine
vaguely anti-Semitic nickname
a disparaging way to reference Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre
See also: clown, bozo, charlatan, stupid little man, pussy punk, piece of shit
Geek Squad
proper noun
an alternate name for The Big Bang Theory, also created by Lorre (suggested use: “Mike & Molly and Geek Squad are gonna explode like they were hit like a Japanese torpedoâ€)
Tiger blood
noun
1. the fluid that circulates in the principal vascular system of the star of Two and a Half Men, occasionally spiked by prescription drugs, cocaine, and erectile dysfunction pills
2. a totally bitchin’ shot made with Kahlua, grenadine, and Blue Curacao liqueur
See also: Adonis DNA
The Sober Valley Lodge
location
a nickname for one’s home, where warlocks and goddesses can consort far from the pernicious influence of Alcoholics Anonymous and addictions can be fixed just by closing one’s eyes, making a noise like the click of a camera shutter, then muttering, “Cured. Winningâ€
F-18
noun
jet with firepower comparable to truth bombs dropped by an addled celebrity, e.g., “Most of the time — and this includes naps — I’m an F-18, broâ€
“The scoreboard doesn’t lieâ€
phrase
baseball reference used to indicate the extent of one’s winning, where the home team’s tally is always a lit-up infinity symbol, while the visitors must make do with an LED rendering of Charlie Sheen giving the thumbs-down sign (with a smaller caption that reads, “Sorry, broâ€)
The octagon
imaginary location
1. a place where a show-runner and star can battle it out for dominance
2. an unclearly demarcated area that a porn star or escort might accidentally wander into at her own peril when one is upset about one’s wallet being stolen
Porn family
noun
an empty house in escrow down the street from one’s Malibu compound that could be filled with porn actresses appealing to very specific fetishes (MILFs, pigtails) in an X-rated simulacrum of an actual family unit, with a starting bid filed by one “C. Irwin Estevezâ€