Aha! An answer to the age-old (well, forty-minute-old) question of how Oscarologists tell the future! They must use the Onion Magic Answer Ball, an iPhone app that promises to answer all your life’s deepest questions for just 99 cents. Reportedly discovered by Onion publisher T. Hermann Zweibel in the Himalayas, the ball responds to questions with answers ranging from “Sadly, yes†to “Ask The Internet†to “All Signs Point To Me Not Giving A S**t.†Sounds magical.
