This was a banner week for celebrity guest stars on True Blood, who got to chew scenery like so much Hoyt Fortenberry. Russell marked his triumphant return by ranting about his boner like a gay Charlie Manson, then sent poor Roman off to ostensibly fondle his sweaters in vampire heaven.
Contrary to all my blaspheming, I genuinely do enjoy the show. I just accept that it’s kind of ridiculous. I assume that because you’re mostly with me here and because you’re the kind of person who enjoys True Blood AND reads recaps, that you’re just an elite substrata that would enjoy putting on your monocle and checking for factual inaccuracies. But True Blood doesn’t apologize, so I guess we shouldn’t either, right? Let’s dive right into this week’s ludicrous.
Alcide’s Hangover
I liked when he asked Sookie if they had sex, and she says they didn’t, but that “other stuff happened.†For most of us, “other stuff†usually translates to “fifteen minutes of a fruitless hand job.†Sometimes it’s best just to not know. Sookie’s like that friend who wants to tell you what you did last night when you just want to move on and enjoy your brunch. She holds your hand and it’s just flashes of you yelling “I love this song!†and then getting emotional about your dad.
The Authority Minibus of Death
I used to live off the L, so I know that it’s NEVER a good idea to start yelling about financial compensation or asking to be glamoured when you’re forced to ride a shuttle. R.I.P., Doug.
The iStake Malfunction
Russell finally got the screen time we all hoped he would and looked adorable in his jam jams. It’s a relief to know he’ll live for another episode of sassy talk. Was it Salome who sabotaged the iStake? Or does that just happen if you don’t update when the App Store tells you to? To the Genius Bar!
All the Meta Talk About Craziness
This episode offered plenty of proof that True Blood is self aware. Notably, Arlene begging Terry to go back on his meds (us), Roman actually going there and using the word batshit, and Russell’s reduction of vampire mythology to “absurd magical thinking.†So you’re laughing with us? Got it.
The Actors’ Occasional Looks of Disbelief
Sometimes when Bill does his I can’t believe I’m saying this face, you can actually see Stephen Moyer echoing the sentiment. Where does one end and the other begin? I guess, in a way, it’s Method.
When Jason Got Shut Out of the Invisible Fairy Nightclub
I’d suggest greasing the field with at least a $20.
The Fairy Floor Show
Ugh. This was just as dorky and uncomfortable as seeing burlesque in real life. The high production values and toned, attractive dancers make it somehow worse, like a Curtis Hanson movie about hipster strip clubs.
Claude the Man Fairy’s Accent
What are you, Dutch? I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying. Trying to recap here.
The Brujo
I have no idea where we’re taking this plotline, and I’m okay with that, because Alfre Woodard is just the best and I would watch a spinoff called Lala where it was just the two of them sipping goat blood and having real talk. Also, “Jesus and Don Bartolo†sound like characters from one of those period telenovelas with the good wigs.
The Smoke Monster
Never mind that the ifrit looks like Iron Man got nailed by the old exploding cigar trick. In real life, Arlene is married to Ben Linus. I didn’t think True Blood was going to Go Here and call their smoke monster “a smoke monster†in such explicit terms, out of politesse.
The IKEA Couches at Authority HQ
I have those!
Eighteenth-Century Austrian Hemophiliac Antique Blood
VSOPlease.
Jessica and Tara’s Brawl Over Hoyt
Looked just like the bar fight between those two girl scouts in Airplane, didn’t it? But I did appreciate Hoyt’s being all “You want me†dressed like a crowd scene extra from the Prince number in Batman.
Manganiello Pretending Like He Doesn’t Like Askgaards’s Healing Touch
So many homoerotic moments in this episode. But I think Eric pulling the old “lick your finger and get the jelly off of baby’s face†on Alcide was one of the finest.
Roman’s Golf Shirt
Okay, so who doesn’t want to go night golfing after an execution? Fair. Still, on Chris Meloni, it’s an odd look, like he should be selling human-growth hormone to aging dudes in Skymall.
Luna and Sam Seem Pretty Okay After Being Shot
I’ve acted less cavalier when I’ve stepped on glass.
Jason’s Extremely Specific Dream Sequences
When Jason’s dad says, “The only thing you have to fear is—†What? Fear? Kardashians? WHAT?
Emma Shifts
I think if you look up “cognitive dissonance†in the dictionary, there’s a picture of Dale Dickey cuddling an adorable puppy.
Salad
During the whole Holly-Arlene-Sookie “men are scum†chat at Merlotte’s, there was just this pile of undressed romaine sitting in the service alley and Arlene went off to deliver it to somebody. This is Louisiana. There’s gonna be some gravy on that.
Tune in next week when I’ll continue to not express myself well and obsess over whatever food pops up in the episode. Why? Because peace is for pussies.