One of my favorite things about watching Game of Thrones is getting to watch “Gay of Thrones†— Funny or Die’s video recaps starring hairstylist Jonathan Van Ness (a real-life stylist at Stile Salon in Brentwood, California) — afterwards. In every episode, he recaps the show for a different client, including Alfie Allen, a.k.a. Theon, and most recently, celebrity fashion stylist Brad Goreski. This is Westeros translated into a gay kiki argot, with entertaining digressions into Nancy Kerrigan versus Tonya Harding and Whitney Houston anthems. You don’t have to be gay (or even a GoT fan) to get into this.
Best of all are the names he gives to each character, which are uncannily dead on, often offensive, and ridiculously funny. There is Jamie Lannister as “Brother D†(short for Brother Daddy), Shae as “Capital City Celine,†and Ygritte as “that beautiful ginger bitch from Downton Abbey.†Herewith is the latest episode, along with a list of all the characters of Game of Thrones as dubbed by the Gay of Thrones:
House Lannister
Cersei: “blonde Cherâ€
Tyrion: “the Munchkinâ€
Jamie: “the incestuous boy,†“the incestuous twin with this fucking stump,†or “Brother D†(Brother Daddy)
Joffrey: “that little power bottom queen King Joffreyâ€
Tywin: “Deity†or “Daddy Lannisterâ€
Sansa: “the busted redheadâ€
Tommen: “new baby power bottomâ€
House Tyrell
Olenna: “Maggie Smithâ€
Margaery: “that little redheaded hussyâ€
Loras: “pillow biterâ€
Others in King’s Landing
Brienne: “Did Tilda Swinton eat a pig?â€
Lord Varys: “this Dr. Evil motherfucker with his pedophile sorcerer catching weird like I am going to fucking cut your entire mouth up and put you in a wooden coffinâ€
Bronn: “the greasy guy with the long hair, which I was kinda feeling that long hair on him — it was kind of fetchâ€; or, “the helperâ€
Shae: “Capital City Celineâ€
Ros: “the redheaded prostituteâ€
Podrick: “pussy popping Podrickâ€
Oberyn Martell: “Mr. Sofia Vergaraâ€
Ellaria Sand: “Capital City’s J.Loâ€
Olyver: “brothel Aaron Carterâ€
House Baratheon
Melisandre: “Stevie Nicks Red Riding Hood†or “evil Gloria Estefanâ€
Selyse Baratheon: “the crazy bitch with the dead babiesâ€
Shireen Baratheon: “baby Galapagos,†“dragon faceâ€
House Targaryen
Daenerys Targaryen: “Christina Aguileraâ€
Jorah Mormont: “Sir Carlisle†(from Downton Abbey)
Missandei: “her lesbian Afro girlâ€
Grey Worm: “baby Barack Obamaâ€
Old Daario (played by Ed Skrein): “vintage Smith Jared from Sex and the Cityâ€
New Daario (played by Michiel Huisman): “busted Josh Grobanâ€
House Bolton
Ramsay Snow: “that fucking bitch,†“that evil brunette motherfucker,†or “malevolent Enrique Iglesiasâ€
Roose Bolton: “Julio Iglesiasâ€
Theon: Van Ness just refers to Theon as Theon, or sometimes, “my little baby Theon.†It probably helps that Alfie Allen came onto the show for a recap. Watch below.
Walder Frey: “leather rawhide face Lord Freyâ€
House Stark
Arya Stark: “little baby Kristen Stewartâ€
The Hound: “Dog the bounty hunter†or “Left Eyeâ€
Gendry: “King Robert’s hot bastard sonâ€
Polliver: “aggro Sinead O’ Connorâ€
Bran: “the baby paraplegic†or “baby Miss Cleoâ€
Catelyn Stark: “that slightly less attractive version of Stevie Nicks Red Riding Hood†(See: Melisandre)
Talisa: “Winterfell Lady Gagaâ€
Osha: “busted homeless Giuliana Rancicâ€
The Wall
Samwell Tarly: “Tubby Lubbyâ€
Night’s Watch council: “panel of haggard queensâ€
Ygritte: “that beautiful ginger bitch from Downton Abbeyâ€
Styr: “alabaster Sealâ€
White Walkers: “the white twerkersâ€
