Hello, you lovely 2015 things. How is your year going so far? Did you make any resolutions? I did. Most of them are private things, like “Think tweets through before sending” and “Spend less time on Roswell fan-fic.” But here’s one I can share: Make Steroline happen. I know I’m not a TVD writer, but I am powerful, and so are you. Our voices are loud, our voices are clear, and together, we can make these two blond, cherubic vampires get their freak on. You with me?
Last night’s episode was fantastic. Great character development, super facial features, plots that feel simultaneously satisfying and heartbreaking. All-around top-notch stuff. Let’s cover it!
We open on Elena’s face covered in sweat while Kai eats eggs. I just love this murderer so much. (Kai, not Elena. It’s important to clarify, they’ve all killed people.) Plus 20.
Kai’s recap is so fast and ridiculous, it can’t even be considered a recap. Did you catch any of that?
But then he gets to the part where he decides he needs to get his magic under control, and Elena was just the girl to practice on. If this show was called Let Elena Help You With That, I would definitely not watch it, but it would be accurate. Plus 4.
Stefan wakes up with a hang-over in an undershirt and goes down to the Salvatore kitchen to find Jeremy shirtless, so plus 100 points for this entire sequence.
Also, since they discovered the Salvatore kitchen, they’ve been using it a lot. Just saving tons of money on takeout, I’ll bet. Plus 8.
“Damon feels guilty.” “Oh, that’s new.” Plus 20.
Damon is sleeping in Sheriff Forbes’s room. I will never forget when Mama Forbes found out Caroline and Damon were vampires and Damon refused to hurt her (even though he was psycho then). “You’re my friend.” Plus 15.
Of course Damon assumes the emoticon of a shower is a cold shower. Plus 3.
The mechanics of why vampire blood doesn’t cure cancer make no sense and will never make any sense, but that’s not really the point. Cancer is sad and real and is injecting so much pathos into this show, I don’t even know what to do with myself. Minus 50.
Liv and Tyler are totes the new Damon and Elena and I diggggg it. Plus 11.
Stefan helps Caroline get the house ready for her mom because that’s what boyfriends — sorry, I mean vampires — do. Plus 40.
“Stefan, you know how to laugh, right?” Only with you, Caroline. Plus 8.
It for real sucks to be Elena. Not only is she being tortured; she’s being tortured AT HER OLD HIGH SCHOOL. This girl just cannot catch a break. Minus 28.
Stefan gave Elena that daylight ring, right? But it’s sentimental because Damon gives it back to her? Who even knows. #longtriangleyearsix. No points.
Stefan and Caroline go to a photography exhibit because that is how you get girls to think you are sensitive and brooding and sexy and visual. And it works. Trust me. Plus 30.
What is Enzo still doing here? Does anyone remember? No points, please comment.
Was anyone else really feeling Kai and Elena when she wakes up in the cafeteria and he shares those memories of his brother? I’d ship it. Also I love how Kai reminds Elena he killed his own brother … as if that would turn her off. Murder stories do for Elena what D’Angelo’s greatest hits do for everyone else. (They get her naked). Plus 20 for potential.
Why are they all so against killing Kai? That seemed like a great option to me. Is it a way to keep everyone else alive and also spend more time on the Steroline road-trip plot? I don’t know. Minus 5.
For what it’s worth, my money is actually on Liv beating Luke, but sure, let’s play along. Luke is definitely stronger (yawn). Much like the cancer plot, the mechanics of the twin-merge don’t make a lot of sense to me, but I still LOVE the story line. All these new characters are so juicy and complex. Plus 30.
Sheriff Forbes and Matt — there are not enough tears. Matt doesn’t have any parents left. Matt doesn’t even have any humans left. I can’t think about what her death is going to do to him. Minus 40.
Caroline gives vampire blood to a random cancer patient to test its powers, which was great. This whole cancer story line feels really authentic and different and rich and desperate, and I love it. Cancer on a vampire show! Way to bring the death stakes back. Plus 38.
Just a friendly reminder that Bonnie is a character on this show, stuck in literal hell.
Stefan is Über-protective of his great-great niece Sarah, and it’s super sweet. He basically just lets her lead a normal human life by never introducing himself to her (there’s a thought). I have zero idea why Enzo thinks Damon would give a shit about this information. Minus 20 for trying to keep Enzo relevant. Enough.
I really loved Damon in this episode. When he hugs Jo, tells her to run, and is like, “Don’t sweat it”? Vintage Salvatore stuff there. Plus 9.
What uppppp, Hunter Jeremy and sidekick Human Alaric. Plus 17.
It’s weird that Stefan is so dubious about vampire blood curing cancer. It cures literally everything else, including common sense and reason. Plus, a guy who was dying five seconds ago is jumping around a vending machine like it was an In-N-Out Burger. Minus 15.
Elena fakes dying to Damon to add a little levity to a pretty crappy day. Then they hold hands. Then Alaric and Jo walk in. They’re holding hands, too. It’s basically a double-date. Plus 15.
Back in Vampire Williamsburg (Duke, I guess), Enzo is harassing Sarah about art or death or something. She’s into it, which seemed 100 percent accurate and 100 percent uninteresting. No points.
I’m glad Alaric forgets he hates Damon. Love when these two love on each other. #brobonding. Plus 30.
Stefan tells Caroline about Sarah and then caresses her hand on her porch, which is the ultimate show of affection on The Vampire Diaries. They’re basically engaged now. Plus 22.
This scene with Caroline and her mom broke my heart. “I want you to live for me.” Caroline is so happy about being able to cure her mother, and then we see what was happening to the cancer patient she tries to help. Basically a bloodbath. So very tragic. Minus 29. I don’t know if my heart can handle it.
We’re kicking off the second half of the season in the positive! You guys, this episode was excellent. I loved it so hard. Sometimes I am totally bowled over by how, six years in, TVD can still deliver.
See you all back here next week. In the meantime, please send Steroline GIFs to @RebeccaASerle on Twitter.