So, Kimmy Gibbler got to do the lift from Dirty Dancing and every single mom watching the show was incredibly jealous that it wasn’t her and every one of her children was like, “Mom, why are you crying and why won’t anyone put Kimmy Gibbler in a corner?†and then Mom started crying even more and said, “I am a failure as a parent, my children do not understand Dirty Dancing references.â€
After that, since she was already on Netflix, she searched “Dirty Dancing†and they do not have Dirty Dancing. So she tried Hulu and realized they don’t have the movie, just some weird reality show based on the movie. Then she searched Amazon, where she bought herself a nice new face cream to calm herself down and ordered the DVD with her Prime subscription for $3.99 and cried a little bit harder because Dirty Dancing is, apparently, now only worth $4 with free two-day delivery. But tomorrow she will force her children to watch Dirty Dancing and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Kimmy Gibbler is making the world a better place.
Before we get to the dancing, we have to talk about girl’s night. Stephanie and Kimmy Gibbler decide they’re going to take D.J. out for a night on the town because she hasn’t spent any time with anyone other than children or dogs in about, oh, one episode. When they’re all dressed up and ready to go out, Kimmy Gibbler tells Stephanie that she is “on fleek.†No one should ever address Stephanie Tanner with slang. Please only talk to her using proper language learned in either a Lululemon or a Starbucks at a strip mall. Everything else just seems off fleek.
The three girls want to be the “She-Wolf Pack†which is possibly the worst cute name for a group of girls ever, especially since it forces them to do the “What Does the Fox Say?†dance after they say it. (It also just made me stream Shakira’s best song, so thanks for that, FH.)
Then, the three women go to the world’s saddest nightclub. It’s the kind of sad sitcom nightclub that we’ve seen a million times. When I would see this kind of place as a kid, I would think to myself, “Brian, you will never ever go to a nightclub. That looks boring and silly. It’s so bright in there and you can’t hear the music and there’s only like 20 people in this enormous space and they’re all extras who dance badly. Who would want to hang out in a place like this? The Peach Pit After Dark, maybe, but certainly not San Francisco’s Euphoria. Remember when Brandon and Emily Valentine took “U4EA†at a rave and that rave seemed really awesome? I’d go to one of those some day, but certainly not a lame nightclub.†Cut to Brian, age 22, doing ketamine in the bathroom at a rave party and staying out until six in the morning. That is why his brain works like this now and you get to read it. Sorry?
Anyway, that U4EA nightclub was dumber than Sarah Palin at a spelling bee. Seriously, who would want to hang out in that lame VIP section by themselves, completely divorced from the rest of the club? It is also 9:30 on a Friday night, which is the worst time to go to a nightclub. I don’t know how they roll in SF, but you shouldn’t really arrive anywhere with a velvet rope before midnight. But at least there were some hot guys there. Oh wait, it’s Val and Max from Dancing with the Stars. They’re that hot? And they take their shirts off all the time? Damn. No wonder why it’s still everyone’s mom’s favorite show.
D.J., Stephanie, and Kimmy Gibbler are at the club and Val and Max Chmerkovskiy (which not even I could spell at a spelling bee) want to get it on with D.J. and Stephanie but then Kimmy Gibbler feels all left out. And I don’t know why Max wants D.J. so bad. She is obviously the Charlotte of this group. Any man on the prowl at a nightclub would know that Kimmy Gibbler is going to put out way faster than D.J. will. And Stephanie is a hedonist who makes sex jokes in front of her eight-year-old nephew, so we know how she rolls.
Oh, did I mention that Stephanie’s good friend Macy Gray is there? Yes, she is. It’s so ’80s sitcom to have a random C-list celebrity appear, and then have one of the characters be all like, “Oh, you’re Macy Gray,†and the audience cheers like they really care. That is exactly what happened here and for one brief shining moment, Macy Gray had the 1,843th-most popular Wikipedia page. Macy Gray is perhaps the worst actress I have ever seen on my life, sort of like Meg Tilly on too much Klonopin. It was just so sad and awful, but I did enjoy when she and Stephanie dueted on “Time of Your Life.â€
There’s this one joke that Macy Gray does, where she says, “What am I even doing here? I have a Grammy.†It just reminded me that Fuller House is the only show I have ever watched that seems to do meta-humor wrong. I don’t know if it’s just too cheesy to pull it off or what, but every time the show tries to make a callback to the original show or explain how life works outside of the Werther’s Original universe these characters inhabit, it just falls flat. It’s just like when D.J. tells Max that Dancing with the Stars is her favorite show. We know that she came in third on the show in 2014, and that’s supposed to be like a joke or a sly wink or something? Whatever, her cha-cha is still pretty clean. (Can I say that about a family show?)
Alright, they’re all at the club and Kimmy Gibbler’s ex-husband Fernando is there. He’s trying to woo her so they get back together, but he’s also there with some other chippie so Kimmy is not having that Gibbler. There’s a dance contest and Kimmy Gibbler tells us that she and Fernando always used to win and she doesn’t want him winning it with his new child bride. So, D.J. and Kimmy decide to do their fourth-grade Dirty Dancing routine. Mal and Vax (I can’t keep them straight, sorry) decided to dance together too, and they almost kissed, and I got this funny feeling all over my body like I just ate 19 Cadbury Crème Eggs and was hallucinating a naked Ryan Reynolds in my living room.
Of course, Kimmy Gibbler and D.J. win and then they have to talk to Macy Gray, and we all want to die, right? Right.
Back at home, Joey, who has his hand up a beaver once again, shows up to take care of the kids. He makes them give up their iPhones and iPads and iKindles and whatever else the kids use these days. (iSnapchats? Is that a thing?) Instead, he has the kids beat each other up with Silly String, Nerf guns, and Super Soakers and they all bond and it’s amazing and everyone got slimed and they didn’t even have to say “I don’t know.†Joey only did, like, three impersonations so it wasn’t even that bad, but the less that we say about Joey the better. It’s not like he has anything to do with Dirty Dancing.