Ladies and gentlemen, it is a very sad day here at the Real Housewives Institute. It appears that Kyle Reneé Richards (I made up that middle name) has stopped hosting White Parties. This seems ironic (don’t you think?) considering that a nationalistic zeal has taken root in our country that would make a White Party seems apropos. Maybe it’s a little too on the nose. Personally, I would like to throw a Joan Crawford-themed Planned Parenthood benefit called Wire Hanger. Please email your local congressmember if you’d like to attend.
Anyway, Kyle is not throwing a White Party this year because she must continue the infomercial that is Mauricio’s property listing in Malibu by throwing a Gatsby party in the backyard. She even plans it while wearing a The Agency ball cap because Maurice (I’ve taken to calling him Maurice, like Kim Richards does) isn’t around to do it for her, and The Agency, as the Skinny Girl of Beverly Hills, needed a little bit more branding. Also, we would like to congratulate Kyle for trading in the world’s most hackneyed party theme for what is surely the world’s third-most hackneyed party theme. (The second is a Pimps and Hos party, which — considering the attendees at Kyle’s party — they sure nailed the second one.)
Before we can get to Kyle’s party, Lisa Rinna decides to show all the ladies how to actually throw a barbecue. After Kyle’s catered barbecue and everyone wearing gowns to Erika’s Hot Dogs and Buns-themed sausage party, it seems like no one knows how to do some down-home cooking like Lisar and Harry Hamlin, the Master of the Meat. As someone points out, however, it’s still a pretty ritzy affair, especially considering the view of the Hills o’ Beverly from Lisar’s backyard.
There are two things about the barbecue that I absolutely loved. The first is that, one summer, Harry Hamlin and Cindy Crawford were apparently in a Canadian pie-baking contest where they tried to outdo each other in some Aunt Bea kinda way. Celebrities: They’re absolutely nothing like us because I have never heard of something this insane ever in my life and I started the Real Housewives Institute a decade ago! Secondly, the housekeeper has to go out into the garage to find flour. Why does Lisar have flour in her garage? Is this anything like Sonja Tremont Morgan, of the King Arthur Flour Morgans, having like eight bottles of Wesson Oil in her basement? Why are these women hoarding food? Are they secretly trying to get cast on Doomsday Preppers?
But what I love more than both of those things is how much Lisar’s daughters Delilah and The Other One love Erika Jayne. They came down from being moody in their bedrooms just to say hi to her and tell her how much they want to be like her when they grow up. They even invited their best baby gay (they sprout so young these days!) so that he could shake her hand and they could all stand there awkwardly not knowing what to say in front of their idol. Also, Delilah looks amazing wearing that ‘70s crocheted tube top that makes her look like she just came from the set of The Girls adaptation coming to Lifetime this spring. (I also made that up.)
The thing that I hated about the barbecue was Eden Sassoon. Ugh, Eden. No one has ever done Dorit a favor like Eden, because Dorit is no longer the thing I like least about the show. I even had a little micro-flash of liking Dorit when she was working with the trainer and was like, “I want a toned body, but I don’t want to do all the work.†Amen, sister. I’ve been saying that my whole Bugles-inhaling life. Dorit is also smart enough to tell Eden to either not bring up her drama with Kim and Kyle or to address it with Kyle so she’s not talking behind her back.
I wish Eden hadn’t brought it up. To her credit, it does come up organically in the conversation, but that’s because Eileen and St. Camille are telling Kyle how good they think that Kim is doing. Then Eden is like, “Well, I don’t want to share this with you, but here is how I’m feeling.†She then tells Kyle that she thinks Kim was very rude to her. Kyle asks for specifics and Eden tells her she just got a vibe.
That is the problem with the whole Eden thing. No one has done anything to her. Neither Kim nor Kyle has said or done anything to give her the impression that they don’t like her; she just has a feeling. Well, sister, if feelings were gold, I would turn into Trump Tower every time I see Tyler Hoechlin in his Superman costume because he gives me all the feelings all over my body.
I’m sorry, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah. Eden. Yes, so Kyle can’t say if there is anything wrong with Kim because Eden can’t give her anything concrete that she’s reacting to. As Kyle tells Eden, she’s probably just reading way too much into it. Duh, ya think? Eden thinks that sobriety is her way into their dynamic, but maybe she just needs to hang out with them and learn more about them as people and work up to the whole sobriety issue. This is especially true with Kyle, who must be sick and tired of talking about and defending her sister with these women, especially one that she just met.
After everyone gets up and walks away from this conversation because of a potent sense of secondhand embarrassment — and becauses Lisar’s dog literally comes over and poops on the conversation — Eden still thinks it is a good idea to bring it up with Kyle and Kim at the Gatsby party. Kim shows up in some Frankenstein wedges and one of the 19 faux fur vests from Brandi Glanville’s oversized collection, so she already has enough problems without Eden coming over and pestering them.
Eden tells them that she sees her and her sister’s relationship in them and she wants to help. The problem is, neither of them want her help. They don’t know her, she has been nothing but weird around them, and their messed-up dynamic is finally at a decent place after a couple of years of not talking. They need Eden like Kim needs to rob another Target. “I just want Kim and Kyle to know that I’m there for them,†Eden says. Oh, they know. We all know. The problem isn’t that they don’t know. The problem is that she is there too damn much. You know how she brought Lisar a bottle of Love? Well, maybe the Sisters Richards need to give Eden a bottle of chill.
Finally Eden decides to leave it all alone, but even still she can’t help but bring it up to Lisa Vanderpump, freshly recovered from a mysterious vacation away from the women. Lisa tells her, “We got off on the right foot, but I’ll put that other foot up your ass if you come after my girl Kyle.†That is the only GIF that I ever want to see ever again on all of the internet. Okay, maybe Latrice Royale saying “Making them eat it,†can come up like once a year, but other than that, only Lisa V. How long do you think she had that line on the shelf? How many limo rides on the way to these parties did she think, “Okay, tonight’s the night for the debut of my signature line?†How many nights did she not see the opportunity and just have to wait?
How many nights did she ride home, her psyche torn and tattered by some other run-in with all of these screech harpies, with Ken drooling slightly on his suit jacket with his hand on her leg, did she feel like she missed an opportunity? How many silent rides did she think up all of these lines, all of these motions, practicing them while staring at her reflection in the window? She would never mouth the words, but she would invent scenarios and close them with the perfect little bon mot that wouldn’t seemed rehearsed at all. She would file them all away in the notecards of her mind, just waiting to reach into her memory palace and touché her opponent with one of them. “One day, this will work,†she thought to herself, smiling as she touched the cool glass of the window with her pink-flecked fingertips, as the hills rolled by like a great black steed, galloping into the distance.