This week on Claws, we slip a little further out of stability’s grasp. Everything seems to be calming down for a millisecond, until it all promptly becomes the absolute worst. The episode ends with something that made me scream, “HOW DARE YOU” at my television. Let’s do this.
Virginia is the center of attention after stumbling into Roller’s funeral after-party and declaring that she was attacked. When she finally starts to explain “what happened,” it’s clear this child has an active imagination. Her entire explanation has air quotes around it. She was kidnapped the night that Roller was killed, then they put a bag over her head, drove her to the swamp, and tied her to a toilet. Then, they put peanut butter on her feet and swamp pigs licked the peanut butter off her feet.
Okay, Karrueche. Then she says that there weren’t any pigs. The alleged kidnappers were licking Virginia’s toes. When she escaped, she walked along the highway for miles until someone saved her. She called her roommate on a pay phone and came right to the funeral. She also can’t pronounce the name “Titus.” After Desna offers to take her home, she lays into her for creating an impossible and almost impressive amount of detail. Virginia thinks she created a distraction, but Desna knows she’s just created a series of details to fact-check. Which is exactly what Uncle Daddy is going to do. He heads over to Chip, his detective, and wants him to check out Virginia’s story. Virginia heads home with Desna and Dean decides that because of all of the crime and violence, he’s going to become a bodybuilder like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Meanwhile, Jen and Bryce are about to become the two newest and most incompetent members of Uncle Daddy’s gang. Uncle Daddy wants Bryce to take over the clinic ever since Roller died. Jen rightly thinks that Bryce shouldn’t take over the clinic because it’s a dumb idea. Too bad Uncle Daddy offers Bryce $10,000 for just one week of work at the clinic — and he picks up a machine gun after making the offer.
Virginia is spilling her guts at Desna’s salon and telling everyone even more details about her harrowing adventure, like how her feet were so cold she thought they were going to fall off. Polly remembers that it was 95 degrees in the shade that week. UM, WELL SHE FELT COLD, OKAY POLLY?
Virginia exploits her status as a woman who escaped kidnapping to get Jen to bring her a Squirt with extra lime and a shrimp salad sandwich. That is the most Florida lunch order in the history of lunch. The only way it could have been more Florida if she was getting conch salad from a guy with a cooler in a parking lot. Chip shows up and he wants to talk to Virginia about her ordeal. Desna listens in and rushes into the room once she realizes that Virginia is giving enough detail to blow her story wide open. Virginia seems to think it’s okay that these locations actually exist. Desna and Virginia head out to the gas station where Virginia claims she made her pay-phone call. Desna tries to bribe the clerk to “remember” Virginia, but surprisingly, $25 isn’t enough. Virginia offers up a blow job. In her mind, she thinks that makes her a hero. I mean, I can’t argue with the fact that she definitely sees it that way. Desna tries to tell Virginia that she should explore other workplace skills.
Ann and Dean are on the beach and Ann is trying to train Dean to become a bodybuilder. Well, not exactly a bodybuilder, but she’s going to help him get prison cut. Unfortunately, her increasingly crazy one-van-stand is stalking her and sending her flowers. Ann tries to get rid of her, but Dean rushes off because he’s disappointed that Desna won’t get him what he wants or what she promises. Dean breaks my heart at least twice an episode.
Jen convinces Desna to train Bryce on how to run the clinic and she reluctantly agrees because Jen snuck her into a New Edition concert back in the day and it was the best night of her life. I was too young to ever go to a New Edition concert during their prime, but after seeing that medley on the BET Awards, I would do just about anything in return for that experience. Desna goes over to the strip club and Uncle Daddy puts down his four-boobed mermaid whittling practice and welcomes her to the family business again.
Underneath all of this, Desna has been battling with her real-estate agent, Mandy, who is trying to dodge Desna’s calls. Unfortunately for Mandy, she can’t dodge Desna showing up in an ah-mah-zing dress and updo at a networking party for professional women. Desna just wants another shot and Mandy throws around a few dog whistles about what might be a better fit for Desna. Suddenly, a group of women crowd around Desna’s nails and want her to do everyone in their bridal party for a bachelorette weekend. Mandy can’t deny the appeal of Desna’s talents and agrees to come along to get the full manicure experience.
At the clinic, the unstable doctor and Bryce are trying to get the hang of the new routine. While Bryce is trying to sell his self-help solution to someone waiting to get their dose of illegal oxytocin, someone in the waiting room has a seizure and the doctor has to climb on top of him. Bryce lets in a delivery guy during the chaos and he goes right into the storeroom. We all see where this is going, right? The delivery guy steals their entire supply.
Desna entertains the bachelorettes and takes them to the strip club for the wildest night of their life. Mandy has such a great time she agrees to talk to the previous owners of the salon Desna wants to buy. She’s getting a second chance!
Meanwhile, Uncle Daddy finds out about the theft. He brings in Jen, Bryce, and Desna to scold them for not being prepared and letting some delivery guy to rip them off. They’ve lost $80,000 and everyone is on the hook until that money is paid back. So everyone is in forever.
Jen freaks out, starts smoking again, and goes to square dance with a Jewish guy. (Everyone has their self-care routine.) Desna goes to comfort her, but Jen can’t seem to shake how stuck she feels. Uncle Daddy welcomes two guys into the strip club and — *GASP* — it’s the delivery guy and the guy who had a stroke! They drop off the boxes of pills and Uncle Daddy says, “It worked like a charm, didn’t it? I knew it would.” He pays them for their time and they leave. Finally, Desna is in the shower looking forlorn before she climbs into bed.
She asks someone, “What took you so long?” AND IT’S ROLLER! GHOST ROLLER? IRL ROLLER? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.