We here at the Real Housewives Institute were rocked by the recent news in “Page Six†that the cast of Real Housewives of New York City was trapped on a sinking ship while on a cast trip to Cartagena, Colombia. (Between that and Countess Luann de Lesseps being arrested for attacking a police officer and heading to rehab, this season of the show is going to have to be approximately 74 episodes long.) Despite Bethenny Frankel saying on Twitter that the reports are false, today the Daily Mail reports that the cast is considering suing Bravo over the disastrous boat trip. Luckily, we got ahold of the cast’s depositions in this lawsuit, before they even happened.
Ramona Singer: After a few wonderful days in Colombia, we go down to the dock for a day on a yacht. If there are two things you should know about me, it’s that I always want the nicest room and I only travel on yachts. I don’t do boats, schooners, catamarans, or canoes. I only do yachts. So we get to the yacht and it’s a total dump. There are only two stories, there’s no chef, and none of the crew spoke English. They didn’t even know how to say “Pinot Grigio.†I did stop to take a selfie on the top deck of the boat though. Look at how good I look. Come on!
Carole Radziwill: I was so looking forward to a nice day on the ocean where I could relax, enjoy one of my last good summers, and listen to the What Happened audiobook for the fourth time. No, the boat wasn’t the best, but these women are so spoiled. They’re not used to being downtown where things are grittier. But the trouble started almost immediately. The anchor got stuck and we couldn’t leave the harbor. The crew is running around, screaming in Spanish. Sonja is screaming, “Vamanos! Vamanos!†at no one in particular. Finally one of the crew members got a saw and cut through the chain on the anchor so we could get out of there.
Bethenny Frankel: I mean, who even has a saw on their boat. I mean, that’s insane. I think that’s insane. Isn’t that insane? It’s insane. Then we don’t have an anchor. I mean, what if we want to stop? How are we going to stop? We’re not going to stop. Hello!
Tinsley Mortimer: We’re just floating around at sea and I’m like three Tito’s and sodas deep and I’m mostly worried about what the salt air is doing to my hair. Now we can’t go swimming because there’s no anchor, we don’t really want to lie on the deck because Ramona is convinced that it will give her scabies, no one will talk to Dorinda because of what she did at dinner last night, and Sonja is screaming, “Donde esta la toilette?†because she has some sort of diarrhea moment that’s happening.
Sonja Tremont Morgan of the Depends Adult Diapers Morgans: Yes, what Tinsley said is correct. I was wearing a diaper.
Tinsley Mortimer: We’re at sea for hours and what was a nice, calm afternoon quickly turned sour. The water started to get choppier and choppier and those Tito’s and sodas come up right over the edge of the boat. I almost got some on Bethenny’s caftan, because it was kind of blowing in the wind. This would never happen in Palm Beach. Maybe West Palm, but not Palm Beach.
Carole Radziwill: I started vomiting, too. I felt just like I do any time that orange orangutan in the White House tweets. I just get this feeling in my stomach like I ate three plates of bad oysters, but also rage.
Bethenny Frankel: So Carole is like, “Blerg.†And Tinsley is like, “Blerg.†And I’m like, “If you two keep puking them I’m going to puke!†And then I smell like something burning and I say, “Is there something burning? I think that’s burning. What’s burning? Burning!†We start to see smoke coming out of the front of the ship. And then flames. It’s more flaming than Jim Nabors in a Pride Parade. Hahaha! I’m funny!
Jill Zarin: No, your honor, I was nowhere near the boat and I had nothing to do with the fire. However, if you could tell Andy that I would like to come back on the show. Bobby is dead, Bethenny and I made up, and I think it’s really time for me to return. The fans want it. Can we issue a court order to have me back?
Dorinda Medley: I means maybe thereish some fires. I dun no. I had threes martinis at lunch and CLIP! Shhshsmakosha barmak kamazza fazza dish dosh. Then we stank. I mean sank. Ha! Make it nice. CLIP!
Sonja Morgan: This never would have happened on my yacht. You know Diddy once partied on my yacht with Madonna and John John.
Carole Radziwill: I believe Ms. Morgan is mistaken. My cousin-in-law John hated boats. He said they reminded him too much of his stepfather, who he hated.
Sonja Morgan: So Tinz and Carole are barfing over the side of the boat and I said, “Girls, don’t worry. Everyone pukes. I puke all the time.†Then we see the fire. The crew is trying to put it out with a fire extinguisher, and that’s when Dorinda starts screaming, “We’re sinking. Oh shit! We’re sinking!†Then Tinz and Carole are puking more and Bethenny is crying something about her daughter not having a mother and it was just so insane. Haven’t any of these women been on a sinking yacht before?
Bethenny Frankel: I knew we were going to die. I was sure of it. I was going to die and my daughter would have to go live with my ex-husband and I wasn’t going to let that happen. I just jumped into the water and started to swim. I was swimming. Swimming like I was Kevin Costner in Waterwarrior or, what was that movie? Whatever that movie was. That was me swimming.
Carole Radziwill: Ramona is hogging all of the life vests, I feel like I just ate another vegan meal my boyfriend made me ’cause my stomach is raging, and I feel like I’m going to be in Titanic but not nominated for an Oscar. In the moment I thought it was fine. I’ve had a good run. Luckily another boat was passing by and we all left and got aboard that.
Sonja Morgan: The other boat was really nice. It was not a yacht, it was more of a boat, for sure. But I could make it nice. I can make anything nice. Oh, no. I don’t know what happened to the first boat. How can I keep track of all of this?
Bethenny Frankel: We got to shore and we all called Andy Cohen on speakerphone and we all yelled at him at the same time. He was like, “Ladies, stop! This isn’t a reunion.†I mean, that’s funny. Andy’s funny. He can be very funny.
Tinsley Mortimer: Bravo offered us counseling to deal with the anguish that we experienced onboard, which was nice. But where was the counseling when I was trying to live with Sonja? Huh?
Bethenny Frankel: We all get back on the plane and head home and I was like, “We should sue. Can we sue? Let’s sue.†And all the other women thought it was a good idea. That’s just like them, taking my ideas and running with them. Know what I mean? Hahaha. I’m hilarious.
Sonja Morgan: I mean, I’ve been through a lot worse. My dog died once, this was nothing compared to that. I’ve lost three Blackberrys down the toilet. Three! What’s one bad yacht trip?
Ramona Singer: Of course we should get a huge reward. I have distress — emotional distress. I thought we were going on a free vacation on a yacht, and it was going to be very nice and it was not. It was awful. You can’t tell it from my selfies, but I had a horrible awful time and I want to be compensated.
Bethenny Frankel: At the end of the day, it’s not that bad. We did all live, even though Tinsley won’t shut up about her puke hair, Carole thinks the Russians colluded with the captain to sink us, no one has understood a word Dorinda said the entire season, and we had to hear Sonja say Gstaad about 15 million times. I mean, this is going to be great TV. It’s going to be excellent. It’s going to be excellent, great TV.