Does the Nemacolin “Fat Bird†Resort have any guests that aren’t reality-TV stars? Back on JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette, it felt like we were stuck in that Fat Bird resort for 12 weeks, and every five seconds, we were subject to seeing that damn fat bird sitting in front of the hotel. Are there resorts that just exist for reality-TV stars to stay and fight in? I can’t imagine staying at a hotel, looking next to me at the pool, and seeing Karen’s wig float by. The proposed trip to the Fat Bird resort and the bus ride gave us a good amount of drama, but unfortunately it was between Charisse and Candaice, my least favorite Housewife and someone who had her *squints* glass of Maryland Champagne taken away. My favorite moments in the episode were when everyone kept referring to Charisse as if she were a full member of the cast and talking about how important she is when that bitch got demoted. Are there cameras following her around all week but we’re just not seeing any of that footage? She’s certainly carrying herself like she’s got something interesting brewing.
Then there’s Candaice. Oh, Candaice. This bitch just cannot catch a break but she also makes it impossible to catch a break. She talks very loudly and proudly about how her husband has a white penis but then doesn’t get it when people are like, “Okay, we get it.†She laughs about how her mom pays all her bills but gets uncomfortable when people literally repeat what she said. Candaice, you can’t tell everyone that you don’t pay for anything and then get pissed when anyone wants to know how you obtain goods and services. If your fiancé, excuse me, susband is willing to live in a house with your mother and not pay rent, it’s not a stretch to think he’s willing to accept an engagement ring from your mother. We’ll get more into the feud between Charisse and Candaice later but first, Karen.
Karen has decided to start a business. I thought she was America’s foremost lady-who-lunches. Apparently she needs a little scratch coming in now that her husband might be getting indicted at some point. Karen has a foolproof plan: make a perfume. She’s building an empire and the first brick is perfume. Also, she says that now that her daughter is back at school, she has no one to talk to because Ray won’t talk to her about his business. She’s acting like she’s going to be the Beast storming around her castle alone. Even though Ray won’t talk to her about his business, she asks for a little money to get her business off the ground. I don’t think you wanna get any money from Ray right now, Karen.
Monique, Ashley, Candaice, and Charisse are going to a cryotherapy place because Monique is soooooo busy. For a moment there, I wasn’t looking at the screen as I typed and wrote “Monique is soooooo business,†and quite frankly, that’s more accurate. She lists a bunch of things she’s got going on and one of them is “a husband who I still need to please.†Monique. Your husband is not a business obligation you have to manage. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a thousand times: Being a mother is hard. Being a wife is hard. But you complaining that you are so incredibly busy that you can’t even keep your head on straight when one of your biggest concerns is you don’t have a nanny when you don’t work is the worst of looks. You don’t have a full-time job because you don’t want one so you can be a full-time mother and wife, so like just chill.
After the cryotherapy, the gals all sit down and Charisse keeps grilling Candaice about her finances and Candaice asks if Charisse is unmarried and Charisse leans back and says “I am going through the process of divorce.†The conversation ends there, as if Candaice can’t tell Charisse off because she’s going through a divorce. Then the conversation turns to Ashley and her husband, and Ashley says they’re trying to work it out so that’s why Ashley has planned a retreat … for the Housewives. Wait … what? Meanwhile, Gizelle tries to call Sherman but he’s acting weird. I really want this relationship to work out. This is something I genuinely care about.
Michael and Ashley are going on a bike ride and they decide that a park is the best place to have a deep painful conversation about Ashley’s mother. How many times are we going to have this same conversation, and is it ever going to be acknowledged that Michael is basically issuing an ultimatum to his wife? There is certainly something to say for establishing boundaries and setting limits, but an ultimatum, dawg? My mom always told me, “Only issue an ultimatum if you’re willing and ready to go.†It’s almost like a marriage where the husband has already issued other ultimatums, and held progress in their relationship hostage, isn’t going to last. Who knew?
The young Housewives go on a little shopping trip where they all decide that Candaice should confront some of the older ladies, and this can only end well. After their shopping trip, Ashley and Monique head to lunch where Monique drinks somewhere between two and four Martinis and drives home. Then she falls asleep at the wheel and crashes into a tree. And that’s the story we’re going with. Okay, sure. Monique says that she’s been doing a lot of charity events and getting to bed late and waking up early and SHE DOESN’T HAVE A NANNY so she committed a light DUI.
Ashley arrives at Monique’s house the next day in a party bus to take them to the Fat Bird resort and has a Corona in her hand. Great thing to show up to your friend’s house who committed a casual DUI with. Once everyone arrives, they head out and immediately start tearing into the younger ladies. Ashley is telling a story about how she used to stay in a trailer with her family in the summers, and Gizelle says, “Your fondest memory is staying in a trailer park?†SHADE.
Then, somehow, Monique brings up Charisse making fun of Candaice, and Candaice says that Charisse was having a “shady bitch moment.†Then she wants to act dumb when Charisse asks, “Did you call me a bitch?†Ashley starts cracking up because Monique wanted Candaice to go after Gizelle instead of her best friend, Charisse. Monique does her best to break up the fight, but it turns into Charisse and Candaice shouting “Little girl!†and “Geriatric granny!†at each other. Monique can’t do much to stop the fight because she just drank an entire bottle of wine by herself. Uh-oh. They all arrive at the resort and head to the house. On their way there, Ashley pees in the woods.
It’s time for lunch and Ashley has upped the luxury level on this trip so the lunch is pretty cute, but before anyone can enjoy, demands for apologies start flying around.
Gizelle says that Charisse is central to the group and there should be an apology.
CHARISSE? CENTRAL? TO WHAT?
Ashley says that Candaice doesn’t need to apologize because Charisse is known for her shade and Candaice needs to stand up for herself. AGAIN! Candaice has made this problem for herself by making her finances and the color of her susband’s penis everyone’s business. She throws a little shade of her own back at Gizelle and Charisse by saying that they’re both kept so they got a lot of nerve talking about her money. Somehow, being kept by your mother is being kept by a man?
Either way, Ashley might be regretting this trip to the Fat Bird resort.