The Bachelorette kept teasing shots of this episode to make us clutch our pearls and worry about the fate of our dearest Bachelorette and her contesticles, but I have to ask: Who was surprised by this? Who didn’t see this outcome from miles away? Even though we were all hoping it would turn out differently, we all knew exactly how this episode would go. As I was driving home from work with my boyfriend, I told him “I bet on this episode they’re going to go to a temple, a street market, and some kind of boat. I bet she’s going to take Garrett on the boat date.†I wish I had taped myself saying that while holding a newspaper because I have never been more right about anything and had less proof.
But the most depressing thing about this episode isn’t the complete lack of originality and the exoticizing of Asian culture. It’s that we all know how this is going to end at this point and the ending doesn’t look good. Becca is clearly way into Garrett and without any redemptive arc on the show, we have no reason to like him. His internet activity leads us to believe that he’s a bigot or at the very least, thinks bigotry is funny. I don’t care how many bamboo rafts he deftly guides down a river in Thailand, I just don’t like him, ABC. Stop trying to make Garrett happen especially when we all can see Jason and Blake.
Can you imagine a Jason versus Blake final two? Tall Tom Cruise vs. Wide-necked Andy Samberg? I’m very into it.
Also, one more thing. Why go through with the rose ceremony if Jason had already been sent home? Why not rearrange the episode to put Jason’s fantasy suite last? Going into Garrett’s fantasy-suite date knowing that Becca had already sent Jason away stripped the episode of any and all dramatic tension. We don’t have much but we need the dramatic tension.
The episode marched along without many surprises and twists and turns. Every guy basically played their part and gave Becca what she needed to make her decision. Let’s get to it
The episode opens with Becca reading the copy provided to her by the Chiang Mai Board of Tourism. She says she’s in love with two men and falling in love with one man (read: already made up her mind) but the first date of the week is with Blake. She meets Blake at a trail where they can’t touch or kiss each other once they cross the threshold. Becca jumps into Blake’s arms and kisses him for 13 straight minutes before crossing the threshold as an act of respect for this sacred space.
The couple walk up a hillside and sit down with monks in a temple. This whole thing was certainly very special and will make a great memory for Becca and Blake but she says, “There’s something so old and cultural about interacting with a monk.†Wait… what? How does something give you the feeling of “cultural?†The monk gives them marriage advice because this is the best use of this monk’s time, I’m sure. His advice is, “Honesty, adaptation, patience, and giving.†He gave a little explanation for each virtue and his explanation for patience was amazing: “When you get mad, when you don’t have a good time, please calm down and have mindfulness.†The next time my boyfriend and I are not having a good time, I’m going to tell him to please calm down and have mindfulness. Blake says something generic about the wisdom of the monks and they head outside and race down the mountain so they can touch each other again.
Storm clouds roll in during the evening as they head to the evening portion of the date. Blake’s emotional turmoil is that he’s worried that Becca has feelings for someone else. Well, not just feelings for someone else, because that would make him completely unaware of what’s happening around him. He’s nervous that she feels the same feelings for him and the other guys. No one can possibly love her like he does and y’know what? I believe him. Becca tries to defuse Blake’s anxieties by talking about Arie, which is what every guy wants to hear before having sex with a woman for the first time. They head to the fantasy suite and wake up the next morning after being arranged by the art department and Becca applies a full face of makeup. They also show her dress on the ground. ABC, we get it.
Blake poses without his shirt against the window as Becca lives and the sunlight really highlights his nips.
Up next is Jason’s date. For this date, they head to a marketplace! Of course they do. Maybe Jason’s flaw is that he doesn’t have any apparent emotional turmoil. He sees her as a friend and a partner and says that he loves how strong she is and how they communicate. He’s one of the few guys who doesn’t immediately talk about how Becca makes him feel.  Becca and Jason visit another temple in the middle of the market. Becca makes a pretty innocent joke about decorating Jason’s apartment with some of the decorations at the temple and Jason makes a little joke back and Becca FLIPS OUT. She cannot handle it. She has to go lie down in the shade.
Listen, we’ve all been there. We’ve all suggested plans for New Year’s Eve on a second date in March. We’ve all mentioned a summer wedding in February. And we’ve all been embarrassed and had to explain that you aren’t adding your date’s extended family members on LinkedIn.
But Becca takes this as a sign from the lord above that Jason is not the man for her.
She’s a fool.
Jason is a DELIGHT. He’s cute. His hair is stupid, yes, but he seems to have his shit together. What more can you ask for?
When the evening portion of the date rolls around, the storm clouds are closing in. Jason is completely oblivious to what’s going on in Becca’s head and delivers a three-minute monologue about his feelings for her. Becca, hoping that his vision is based on sight, stops moving entirely and waits until it’s over. She gets up from the table and paces in the darkness. Becca comes back to the table and tells him that she can’t have him go through an overnight date if she’s not 100 percent confident.
Jason keeps asking her if there’s any sliver of a chance that they could work and that the point of the whole experience is to push past your comfort zone to find out if the relationship can work. Jason might be too astute for this show. She tells him that she isn’t confident one way or the other but she can see a future more clearly with Garrett and Blake.
She walks Jason out and she flops onto the bed and dabs her eyes with her maxi dress. She says she feels like Arie. Becca has gone too far down the rabbit hole.
Then it’s time for her date with Garrett. UGH WHO CARES? They go bamboo rafting and they meet baby elephants when their romantic date turns into a national festival day. The clip of Garrett saying “I’m scared to get engaged again†is just him saying “Sure, I’m scared to get engaged again but I love you.†Why are we watching this? This is all just filler until Jason shows up at Becca’s hotel room.
I was thoroughly prepared for Jason to have his heel turn and become a creepy dude and squander all his goodwill. But he had a mature conversation and clearly and calmly expressed his emotions and needs! It was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen on a Bachelor franchise. He gives Becca a scrapbook he made and she reads it and sobs and laughs.
BECCA IS A FOOL.
On his way out, Jason says that he’s rooting for Becca and her happiness and he always will. #JusticeforJason
Becca holds a completely perfunctory rose ceremony. Two roses. Two contesticles. They’re heading to the Maldives to meet Becca’s family! Let’s start this joyless march to the finale!