For a group of women who believe that they are hotter than underboob in the summer, they suuuuuure do spend a lot of time being defensive and caring about what other people think of them. Not a single person up there on those couches was unbothered. Everyone was the definition of bothered. Everyone was disturbed, agitated, and bothered. Except one person …
Did everyone else notice the stoic and enduring patience of Gizelle during this episode? Sometimes they would cut to her and she was sitting with such resolute stillness that I thought she had been replaced with a cardboard cutout with a wig on. Gizelle is our rock. She is, strangely, our emotional rock during this reunion. Gizelle is the voice of reason. If you ever feel yourself wavering or feeling like you’ve lost your way, look at Gizelle. Let’s get to this reunion.
The episode starts with all the ladies arriving to get made up. LET’S TALK ABOUT THESE LOOKS.
Who let them all out there like this?
Candiace looks like she was involved in a terrible pleating accident on the way to the studio. Monique has PREGNANCY. CUTOUTS. with nude rope accents. How are you getting dressed and say, “This neck and shoulder embellishment that looks like I wrapped myself in thin knockwurst is really setting my look off”? Karen looks like she’s on an episode of Say Yes to the Dress episode called “Flirty over Fifty!” Gizelle’s outfit looks like she’s a model on a “Real Woman” challenge on Project Runway and Michael Kors would call it “an emerald snooze.” Ashley and Robyn are both wearing outfits that look like Beyoncé on the red carpet in 2015 costumes that came in a plastic bag that said “DESTINY’S BABY FORMATION GIRLFRIEND GLITTER GOWN.”
This is Candiace’s first reunion and she’s been practicing all her lines backstage and drops them whenever someone looks at her, regardless of whether it makes sense. Monique is five months pregnant and she’s not a lazy mom! Ashley just turned 30 and went to Bhutan for a meditation trip and did an alcohol cleanse with Michael. Michael must have hated that. Robyn has short hair now! Andy is matte and ready to get into it.
After a montage of all the ladies imitating each other, Andy asks if people are recognizing Candiace in airports.
No.
They’re not. They can’t be. I refuse to believe that anyone is stopping Miss United States 2013 in LAX. I couldn’t recognize any pageant winner from this year let alone five years ago.
Up next is the discussion of Monique falling asleep at the wheel. Monique is DEFENSIVE, but it’s important to say that anyone insinuating that the reason she had a miscarriage is her alcohol consumption is an asshole. That’s just an asshole move. Monique is mostly concerned that her “character” is being insulted. Let me just say this about that: I missed last week’s episode because I was working on a huge event I organized. We had a vendor hall, and at the end of the first day, there was a shoplifting incident. The guy in question definitely shoplifted. Did he spend the time we spent trying to resolve the issue saying that he didn’t shoplift? No. Did he spend the entire time we spent questioning him ranting about how we were destroying his character? You bet your ass he did.
Monique also says that Ashley made up her story that she sat in her car for a half hour to sober up for Watch What Happens Live. Ashley says that if she made up the story or not, she didn’t fall asleep at the wheel and hit a tree. That doesn’t stop Monique from flipping out on everyone and being super-defensive. The women are arranged on the couches strategically. Karen and Candiace are sitting next to Monique and they came to her defense against Gizelle, Ashley, and Robyn. Robyn tries to say that she asked Monique about her accident out of genuine concern.
I believe she was 50 percent genuinely concerned. Monique says that her frustration with Robyn and Gizelle was misguided. That’s a funny way to apologize. Karen says that Ashley is just a shit-stirrer and Ashley says that Karen has a DUI so that’s why she’s defending Monique.
Then the discussion goes to Monique’s alleged business and blog. Gizelle says she hasn’t looked at the website because the name offended her. Being a mom is the hardest job in the world. There are a lot of reasons to hate on Gizelle’s website but her insinuating that some moms are lazy is like fourth on the list.
Monique says that she could be friends with Gizelle because Gizelle can give good advice and showing empathy. Gizelle says that Monique needs to own up to what she’s done and apologize.
Up next is Candiace. Do we all have to keep talking about her sus-band’s weird dick? Monique won me over by saying “Don’t nobody wanna see no mismatched dick!”
Candiace says some nonsense about not seeing color and seeing the person for who they are. The pagagent is over, girl. Just be with your white boyfriend with his Neapolitan dick. Ashley and Candiace get into a shouting match and Ashley says that Candiace was in an off-brand pageant. Point, Ashley. Candiace also won’t answer how much of the restaurant he owns or why he’s cool living in a house Candiace’s mother owns. Candiace reveals that Gizelle is the only one not invited to the wedding.
Up next is Robyn and her issues with Karen and Monique over their events. Andy reads a message from a viewer that says Siri doesn’t correct to “Yes” when you dictate “yay!” Monique says that Gizelle likes to use Robyn as a puppet. I guess Monique can’t fathom that Robyn independently decided that she doesn’t like her. Monique also won’t admit that saying that Gizelle is only friends with people that are beneath her means she’s calling Robyn “beneath Gizelle.”
The whole fan-page issue comes down to Andy not buying that Monique can’t tell her brother to stop attacking the ladies on her fan page. She keeps acting like this is just like any other fan running a fan page. He’s your BROTHER.
Up next is Karen.
Oh, Karen.
Karen makes it REALLY HARD to like her. She’s clearly dealing with some stuff but she’s reading insinuations about her parents’ death into everything when she was the one who brought it up. It also doesn’t help that she’s refusing to answer any questions about what’s going on in her life. She could answer the questions without answering the questions and get people off her back. Having a sense of humor about literally anything (aside from her parents’ passing) would make the other women be more open to her.
Ashley clearly doesn’t get that making a “drop the soap” joke is wrong, not because Karen came at Michael first, but because it’s wishing prison rape on someone. Y’know.
Karen believes that everyone’s attacks on her are well-planned and entirely malicious. It seems like the other women have pretty dry and dark senses of humor and are willing to joke about everything. It definitely can go too far but they seem to care about each other. Karen absolutely deserves to be angry and put off by their insinuations about Ray’s finances. The women are equally put-off by Karen talking down to them about their lives when hers is a mess.
I’m not sure I entirely believe that Gizelle has been making an effort to see Karen outside of the show but I do believe Karen probably hasn’t made it easy. Gizelle should keep trying and when Karen breaks down while talking about her family, Gizelle is the only one to get up and go comfort her. Maybe going on a reality-show reunion two weeks after your father’s funeral is a bad idea.
Shout out for Karen saying that she is tired of being strong.
To be continued …