This morning, we were sitting around watching the Brett Kavanaugh hearing. Wait. Wait. I have a point and it’s not an extended metaphor about how Anneliese is the Merrick Garland of Paradise. Oh, there might be something there. I’m gonna hold onto that one and develop it. I’m getting distracted. ANYWAY. There was some old-ass Republican Senator from Louisiana who was so frustrated at all the huckery and shuckery that he said that the Senate had been assembled at the hearing for the length of a movie.
So later, when  I was sitting on my couch watching the fifth hour of Bachelor content, I screamed into the void “WE HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE BACHELOR FOR TWO AND A HALF MOVIES.â€
I understand this old folksy weirdo. When you think of your time in terms of movies, you really can understand how the time can slip away. Instead of watching five hours of useless Bachelor in Paradise this week, I could have watched Titanic and Dunkirk. Think about how long that is. Think about sitting down to watch Titanic and THEN watching Dunkirk. Now imagine that instead of Leo DiCaprio and Harry Styles and Tom Hardy, it’s Chris R.
What’s even more frustrating is that there’s all this footage and so little happens. We’re at the point in the season where everyone is pretty much settled into their relationships. So any drama is someone waking up and deciding that they should just leave to go pursue being the Bachelor. Or it’s drama caused by complete and total delusion. Let’s get to it.
It’s a new day in Paradise and everyone is happy and laying around with their partners. Half of the couples are just laying directly on top of each other and loudly kissing. Chris Harrison arrives on the scene to bring in some special guests to judge the quality of the relationships. In walks in, Jade & Tanner and Carly & Evan. At least no one must watch them propose to each other. The Council of Marrieds will sit down with all the couples and judge them on a 15 point scale and decide who has the most love. Joe and Kendall are getting a winner’s edit when they sit down with The Council of the Married. Kendall says that Joe likes to narrate what he’s doing and that he goes to a nurse everyday. Kendall, girl. Walk away, now.
It doesn’t matter because Kendall and Joe are selected to go on the date we’ve been seeing in previews for weeks! The Council of Marrieds is going to head off for the most luxurious date in Bachelor in Paradise history while Kendall and Joe have to babysit Jade and Tanner’s two-year-old, Emmy, and Carly and Evan’s four month old, Bella. Can you imagine leaving your baby in the care of two day-drunk strangers on Bachelor in Paradise? Emmy won’t stop screaming in Joe’s face and he sings her the ’85 Bears Super Bowl Shuffle song.
The presence of the babies sparks some serious conversations among everyone else. Jordan and Jenna talk about baby names. Jenna wants to name her baby Tucker and Jordan says that’s the name of someone with a man bun. Tucker can go two wildly different ways. Tucker is either the name of the head of the Cornell University Young Republicans or Tucker owns a combination bead store/cat café. Anneliese continues to claim that her relationship with Kamil is the strongest in the house and they have the passion of a six month relationship. Oh, you mean like Tia and Colton?
While some of the couples couldn’t be happier, Eric is melting down. He keeps telling Cassandra that she’s moving at one speed and he’s moving at another. He says they didn’t spend time working on their friendship and they just went on one date. Yeah, because you idiots met yesterday. Cassandra is ready for romance and making out and Eric doesn’t know…what he wants. Eric seems like the type of guy who doesn’t have a ton of relationship experience and just makes decisions about his relationships and when they don’t feel right, he retreats into himself. On Rachel’s season, he talked about never seeing a healthy model for a relationship and he hadn’t been in love before. That’s a lot. It seems like he needs all the time in the world to develop a relationship and all of that is a terrible combination for reality TV.
Eric sits down with Kevin and talks out his feelings. Astrid can see that Eric is hurting and confused.
Are Kevin and Astrid the emotional oracles of Paradise?
Also, Eric might be regretting sending Angela home. Can we stop saying “when Angela left†like Eric didn’t have anything to do with it. Angela didn’t just leave to catch an afternoon showing of The Meg. YOU SENT HER HOME, ERIC. YOU MADE THAT DECISION. YOU CAN FEEL AWKWARD AND CONFLICTED BUT LIVE IN THE TRUTH.
Everyone breaks down weeping over Eric leaving and Shushanna has a full weeping session. You’ve been there like a day.
To wipe away all the sadness, a date card shows up for Chris. He asks Krystal and he knows that this is the day he’s going to tell her the depth of his feelings. While Chris and Krystal are at their date, the rest of the gang plays truth or dare on the beach. Olivia is dared to recreate Carly and Evan’s pepper kiss with John.
Y’all. I almost threw up. This was the most disgusting thing I’ve seen on television. When the jalapeño pepper seeds started dripping out of their mouth, I full on gagged. Why is this a kiss option? Why are we kissing with so many things in our mouths? There should have been a trigger warning for that gross-ass kiss.
Also, Jordan pulls Shusanna aside to talk about their relationship and secure his rose. Shushanna uses the time to talk about Kamil. Just picture your favorite gif reaction for “awkward.†Jordan asks if there’s any way for her to put her feelings aside and go forward with him? Shu tells him that she expected one thing from Kamil and she’s not getting it. So she’s going to irrationally push forward with Kamil. This is all very healthy.
On Chris and Krystal’s date, they both confess they’re in love with each other. They slow dance in a pool to some band. It sounded like they said Ben Raptor but that can’t be right. They’re really phoning in the date set-ups the last few episodes of the season. The breakout moment is when Chris is distracted by a huge raccoon.
#ThatRaccoonForBachelor
The next morning there’s another date card for New Zealand Jordan! He asks Shushanna and she turns him down. Oh, girl. Oh no. This is… bad. Shu tells him to go pursue Cassandra. Yeah, okay. Bye, bitch! Shu pulls Kamil aside and keeps starting sentences by going “So, your feelings…†and looking at him expectantly. Kamil says “There’s no spark here. I just don’t see a relationship between us. I’m not into you.†Shushanna says it’s all so complicated and things change. OH NOOOOOOOOOO. Usually, there’s one guy on Paradise who won’t take no for an answer and half of the time, the audience thinks his persistence is adorable. When it’s a woman, it’s automatically crazy. It’s not not crazy when a guy does it.
Shu sits down with Olivia and explains that Kamil isn’t into her so that’s what makes the whole thing so attractive. Anneliese has had enough and tells Shu to back off. Shu says that Anneliese couldn’t possibly understand what she has with Kamil. Shu will say something and Anneliese will say “Oh, that never happened.†That happens like four times. There’s also the added weirdness on this one where Kamil jokes to Anneliese that it feels like Shu is casting a spell on him and Anneliese starts spreading a rumor that Shu is a witch. Then Wells condescendingly explains to Yuki that Shu is an actual witch.
Diggy shows up in the middle of this mess. He tries to ask Shu on the date and she turns him down. Olivia explains to Shu that she did nothing wrong and she should fight for what she wants. Olivia is a bad friend. A good friend looks you in the eye and says “Get your shit together. You’re acting like a seventh grader. HANDLE. YOUR. SHIT.†Olivia goes on the date with Diggy.
Jordan comes back with Cassandra and by this time, Shu has realized that she majorly fucked up and sets her sights back on New Zealand Jordan. Remember when Christen and Chelsea had major panic attacks but we never saw them again? Anyway, Shu sits down with Jordan and explains that there’s something very real between them and she’s ready to pick their relationship back up. Oh, Shu. Oh no. Jordan explains as patiently as he can that the office hours are now closed. Shu cries for the seventh time that day. Shu screams “I’M A WITCH†and Jordan says helpfully “That’s just a stumble.â€
See you next week for the emotional two-day finale!