On this season of RHOD, the structural integrity of the core group is fracturing in interesting and unexpected ways. Itās one thing for people who never really liked each other to begin with (Kameron and Brandi, Brandi and LeeAnne, LeeAnne and her necrotic boobs) to scream and yell and scrape, but quite another to watch the unraveling of a true friendship. Remind me, whatās the phrase for something thatās a super bummer in real life, but good reality TV? (Ah, yes, itās āgood reality TV.ā)
Dee, who youāll be shocked to hear has yet to sign any kind of official agreement bequeathing the company to her daughter, takes a break from berating said daughter about her incompetent management of said company to insist that LeeAnne be invited to an upcoming group cooking lesson. Always keen on finding new avenues by which to (lovingly) psychologically torture her only child, Dee remains staunchly pro-LeeAnne. So what if she said DāAndra had $200 in her bank account? āPeople think I have 50 cents. I really donāt give a dogās rip,ā Dee says. Start cross stitching āI really donāt give a dogās ripā onto every surface you can get your hands on and soon youāll have a bustling Etsy business.
To his credit, Rich takes the jibes about living āseparate livesā he hears secondhand from LeeAnne lightly: āWhat the hell does that mean? Is this where I go to Colombia and visit with my other wife and four kids?ā (Excuse me while I replay this seasonās RHONY Cartagena arc in slow motion, combing for any trace of an eye patch in the background.) Meanwhile, LeeAnne has deduced that her supposed best friend DāAndra must be feeding information about her to Brandi ā which, well, is true ā which is hardly supposed best-friend behavior.
Stephanie expresses her nerves over her upcoming period of single-mom-hood to her visiting sister Tiffany, who we learn once peed in Stephanieās shampoo bottle as revenge when her older sister dared to wear one of her shirts to school. Iām going to need more Tiffany ā who brings to the RHOD table an Oklahoma twang, a tank top that reads āTIME TO WINE DOWNā and, even more incredibly, an actual job ā immediately. Tiffany encourages her more timid sibling to ask, āWhat would Tiffany do?ā Stephanie isnāt off to the best start: I am not a Tiffany expert, but I am pretty sure Tiffany would not say āI have handbags that cost more than her mortgage a monthā about her sister in a confessional.
Cary and Mark host a party for the grand opening of their new plastic surgery and laser center, which has technically been open for months, but whatever, slap this platelet-rich plasma blood slime onto your face and this cocktail into your mouth. The place is named Lemmon Avenue, which I originally interpret as āLemon Avenue,ā which I originally interpret as a strange but creative reference to cleavage. Anyway, they should outsource all their marketing to LeeAnne, who spontaneously offers what is simultaneously the most compelling and disturbing argument for plastic surgery Iāve ever heard: āIf after Iām dead, a 21-year-old boy opens my coffin and would be interested in having sex with my dead body, thatās what I want to do.ā Outside of her references to necrophilia, LeeAnne is on her best behavior, hugging Mark during the five seconds he is brave enough to spend in her immediate vicinity and not mentioning a single thing about a single dick getting a single suck at the Round-Up. Sheās saving her daily naughty quotient for someone else.
Rather than wearing human clothes, DāAndra has elected to encase herself in a shiny gold gift bag. Festive! She and LeeAnne step aside for a private chat. LeeAnne begins on the defensive, expressing her discomfort with the DāAndra-Brandi gossip pipeline and her hope that her own business be allowed to stay her own business. The parry, then the riposte.
āI feel like every time you are with her, all you do is end up drinking,ā LeeAnne says, of DāAndra tipsily palling around with Brandi.
āAre you saying I have a drinking problem?ā DāAndra asks, obviously offended.
āI worry that whenever you and Brandi are together, that itās always about alcohol,ā LeeAnne responds.
This is a far colder tactic on LeeAnneās part than it might initially appear. Not only has DāAndra struggled with alcohol in her past, but ā as is well known to LeeAnne ā her alcoholic father committed suicide while drunk. (Those interested in further study should consider enrolling in next semesterās Real Housewives Institute 200-level laboratory course on Accusing Your Friends of Having Drinking Problems on National Television. Iāll be TA-ing!) DāAndra was wrong to publicly air her friendās dirty relationship laundry, but I do believe she meant well ā she struck me as genuinely worried about Richās fidelity and LeeAnneās happiness. Here, Iām pretty sure LeeAnneās just being malicious.
DāAndra staggers out of the room in a furious fugue state. Sheās shaken up. As she cries, Stephanie and Brandi do their best to comfort her, and a random woman who I donāt think anyone has bothered to introduce us to pats her tenderly on the back.
DāAndra and LeeAnneās close friendship isnāt the only one thatās starting to show cracks. On the car ride home, Brandi ā my former RHOD MVP, who seems to be going out of her way to convince me to root against her this season ā tells Stephanie how disappointed she is that New, Good LeeAnne bears such a striking resemblance to Old, Bad LeeAnne. āI hate to even say this,ā Brandi says, failing to realize that her instincts are correct, and that she should not be saying this, but what if LeeAnneās been trying to get back at Brandi by merely āpretend[ing] to be friendsā with Stephanie?
WWTD? Brandi better keep a close eye on her shampoo.