We start the finale of Love & Hip Hop Hollywood with A1 and Ray J reconciling their argument, and if you’re like me, you’re trying to remember what these two men were at odds over in the first place. A1 was angry at Ray for bringing Safaree to their pregnancy-reveal party, not to be confused with their gender-reveal party or their remarriage party. And Ray J was mad at A1 for ruining his Father Friday’s Bonding Extraordinaire event. After a three-second conversation, their beef is as dead as a hamburger patty, and the two are ready to move on to get back to what they do as friends which is … well, I’m not entirely sure what their friendship consists of when they aren’t fighting, but I’m sure it’s fun.
Lyrica, Princess, Brooke, and Nikki meet on the other side of this thinly themed Baby Introduction party where they also try to tie up the season’s loose ends. Princess mentions that she’s going to fight Moniece because, while she is a new mom, she still lacks the impulse control of her former childless days. Nikki advises against this because she has a fake nose and doesn’t do too much fighting. (That line made me laugh out loud.) This conversation is otherwise uneventful because Lyrica wanted an apology that Brooke refuses to give her, something that would be friendship-ending in the real world, but in the Mona Scott School of Reality and Dramatic Acting, just ends the conversation awkwardly. Brooke is up to her old ways, stirring conflict with her fiancé, who apparently hates drama even though he is engaged to a literal drama queen.
A1 and his mother meet in a dimly lit bar to talk about the paternity of his child for the 19th time this episode. His mom reveals that she saw the texts that A1 sent Patrice complaining about his marriage … okay. Well, since A1 sent those texts, he knows exactly what was said. This argument is as unconvincing as I predicted. A1 finally puts his foot down and disinvites Patrice from his vow-renewal party. Since this is his brother’s wife, A1 knows that his brother will take offense and not attend the party, which doesn’t bother A1 because nothing comes before his wife. I feel like we’ve had this conversation so many times, but I’m glad we’re finally approaching the conclusion.
We hop back on the apology train to JayWill’s concert at Blowout. Ray invited him to perform as JayWill rather than Kandie and he’s excited for the opportunity. JayWill has invited LaBrittney to the show to apologize for the way their conversations went when she got into the Pride show and he didn’t. Glad they worked out their fight, but honestly, this was probably the most inconsequential argument of the show. I think JayWill owes me an apology because Kandie came in hot this season ready to make waves but has been an epic disappointment.
Safaree and A1 meet to discuss whether he had sex with Lyrica … again. In this conversation, Safaree admits he let the conversation get too far, and that these rumors about their affair are false. Now, I’m just straight-up pissed: We’ve had an entire season of paternity allegations, affairs, and divorce talks based on a rumor that wasn’t even remotely true. Safaree could have cleared this up at any time, but instead he plays both sides while accidentally fracturing a family. Despite this massive clarification, A1 wants Lyrica to get a DNA test to make sure the baby is his. If he doesn’t trust his wife, they probably shouldn’t be having a vow renewal, the kiss of death in most reality relationships.
I think I’ve figured out Lyrica and A1’s problems: They’re too concerned with how they present their marriage and not concerned enough with how they nurture their marriage. I say this as someone who has never been married, so take that observation with a grain of salt. I don’t know what I’m talking about when it comes to marriage, but I do know that they are behaving like middle-schoolers with unlimited resources.
Safaree, RoccStar, and Ray J meet in a bar to talk more about Lyrica, whose name they just can’t keep out of their mouths. Safaree, once again, plays both sides, insinuating that while he told A1 he didn’t sleep with Lyrica, he may not have been telling the whole truth. This man is so untrustworthy, everything that comes out of his mouth is a manipulation. This, of course, makes Ray J upset because he feels like he was misled into causing drama that didn’t need to happen. And you know what? That’s exactly what happened. But here is where Ray J can make a change with his life: He could just drop this topic. We’re never going to get a straight answer out of Safaree, it’s not worth following up on. (I should note that for some reason Roccstar is there wearing a gas mask and yelling about having sex with married women.)
For some reason, we are supposed to care about whether John is Apple’s real father. They take a DNA test, and it proves that he is not her dad, which he knew decades ago but refused to tell her. My Sweet Honey Apple Crisp Watts is right — pretending to be her father is some weirdo behavior on John’s part. He’s a total creep who never provided her with anything considering he abandoned her in foster care as a child. The only thing John has brought Apple is emotional baggage and a sweaty, desperate clamor for screen time. I’m glad that Apple Watts can be rid of this tool forever, because he truly sucks. The hardest part about this scene is watching Apple Watts break down in the car with Shun Love. She’s looking for a parental figure in her life, but I’m not sure Shun Love is it, considering she used her daughter’s wig to slap someone. (Remember that? Because I will never forget.) I hope that in this emotionally vulnerable state Apple can heal, because the adult figures in her life aren’t the most reliable.
This finale scene is everything I ever wanted and nothing I asked for. We start with A1 saying that, “This vow renewal is about support so a lot of our friends and family didn’t get invited.†Skrrt skrrt. What?! If your friends and family don’t support you, you need to start looking inward at your actions. They can’t all be crazy. But I digress …
We then see A1’s mom hop on a plane to Nigeria to start her journey on 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days. This is in no way relevant to the plot, but I love it. Meanwhile, Lyrica’s mom sings as Lyrica and A1 walk down the aisle. She has inspired me to one day be the center of attention at my daughter’s fake wedding. Thank you, Lyrica G.
Then we finally get to A1 and Lyrica’s vows, which are as unrehearsed as they are unwritten. Lyrica basically says, “We pregnant … wow,†to which A1 responds, “I’ll be with you I even if I find out the kid isn’t mine.†Lyrica then collapses to the floor from crying and it is both dramatic and devoid of emotion. This statement of love is truncated by Moniece arriving at the party after someone dropped a pin. This is when Princess throws all the Champagne meant for the guests at Moniece and the security guards. Provoked, Moniece throws the beautiful, conveniently hand-sized cake. These guards are not getting paid enough because their suits are ruined. Hell, A1 even got cake on his Guccis.
Nothing happens and nothing is resolved, especially as Moniece removes herself from the situation. (Which is good for her emotional health, but bad for reality TV.) After all this drama, Boobie, (yes this is a name he chooses to go by) arrives to argue with Marcus about … nothing? The entire conversation is bleeped out because they can’t manage to speak without swearing. Nothing is resolved, and nothing happens. Much like this season of Love & Hip Hop. We laughed and we have cried from laughing — and the biggest lesson we’ve learned is that in the game of love and hip-hop, the only winner is Mona Scott.