Someone tell me why I’ve watched four hours of The Bachelor this week and there are still at least two more hours of The Bachelor left in the season when Colton already jumped the damn fence. He jumped it! We did it! We all achieved our dreams and reached that mountaintop. Can’t we all just go home now? I’m tired and sleepy and I can’t listen to this many 23-year-olds scream at each other over a virgin. Chris Harrison, let me go. Let me lie down in the 10-degree weather here in Chicago and enjoy my last moments in peace. Let my last memories of Colton be of him jumping the fucking fence. Don’t sully this moment by making me find out what some top-row bitch has to say about the Demi-Courtney feud. No one asked for this. Who is Jane?! Let’s get to it.
The episode begins with a montage of the most emotional break-ups in the show’s history, and where are Rachel and Peter? It also begins with an extended scene of Colton showering in a hotel bathroom. They have opened the door for us to objectify Colton and I would like to respond. Can we all just say this: Colton is not cut enough for him to be showering on television this much. Where are the abs?
Most of the “Women Tell All†is focused on the “rivalries†in the house. After a montage of women screaming at each other, we’re treated to women screaming at each other. Demi shoots her hand up in unison with her clip of calling Courtney the cancer of the house. This is also the moment when Demi ceased to be fun. Sure, we all loved this petite knock-off Margot Robbie wreaking havoc in the house, but now? But now? She’s high on her own damn supply and delivering every line as if it’s a catchphrase. She’s also very much in that 23-year-old phase where, “Everything I do is FEMINISM because I MADE A CHOICE and you can’t TELL ME WHAT TO DO because that isn’t EMPOWERMENT!!†Demanding another shot on TV because you’re getting parched yelling about cougars isn’t “owning your truth.†It’s being a messy-ass bitch. There’s more to this Demi nonsense, but first we have to check in with Nicole and Onyeka.
OH MY GOD. ONYEKA. Girl, you need to stop with your eyebrows and your declarations. This is causing my blood pressure to spike. Nicole is basically saying she felt hurt when Onyeka called her a psycho and emotionally unstable. That’s an extremely fair position. Onyeka’s position is, “You can’t get mad at me for being outspoken.†The fuck I can’t. After Nicole says she felt bullied, Onyeka stands up and decides to deliver a vocabulary lesson about what a bully is: “To intimidate someone they feel is inferior.†How is that not what you’re doing?
Then, all of a sudden, here come all these top-row bitches accusing Nicole of bullying other people by saying people aren’t pretty and doing a disservice to real victims of bullying, such as Nina. Nina was bullied when she was younger, so she knows what a real bully is, and it’s Nicole. When did this become about Nina? When Sydney stands up for Nicole, Onyeka calls her a coward by choosing to leave on her own. Onyeka’s case against Nicole really falls apart when she starts talking about how Nicole hides behind her tears and sarcastically asks if Nicole wants her to cuddle her. Ma’am. If you’re playing the, “No, you’re the real bully†card, maybe don’t bully her while you’re doing it.
The next mini-feud is Caelynn versus Katie. Katie is in the top five most beautiful women ever to appear on this show. I know it’s not important but goddamn, that woman. Katie says that she was close to Caelynn and Cassie before she was eliminated and Caelynn did a, “Well … †head tilt. I can’t with her. Caelynn’s argument is that Katie put every relationship in question. That’s a whole lot of words from someone who claims to have never said anything suspicious. Katie finally says what we all have been thinking and if what she was saying with Cassie was a joke or innocent, just admit that. “Yeah, I said it. It was joke and everyone is taking it out of context.†But Caelynn can’t do that. Katie also says this is the manipulation that Hannah B. was talking about, and considering the knowing eyes between Hannah B. and Katie, this isn’t the first time they’ve all felt this. Kirpa also chimes in that Caelynn admitted that she said she wanted to be Bachelorette to her too. Caelynn is not getting the next Bachelorette edit now.
Alright, let’s do all these Demi fights. The problem is, The Bachelor wants to have it both ways with Demi. She can’t be the chaotic-evil villain of the season and tug on our heartstrings as this sweet and vulnerable character. In real life, sure, but this isn’t real life. But she’s cute and white and blonde so her preposterous tendency to refer to herself in the third person and shout, “SHUT UP, I’M TALKING†to other women is just sassy and bold.
Also, she’s completely unclear on what makes someone a cougar. A cougar is a woman past 40 dating a guy under 30. That’s it. That’s ALL it is. We had a whole moment about it in the mid-2000s. It’s not just “dating someone younger.†My boyfriend is 11 months younger than me and I’m not a cougar. But according to Demi’s logic, I am over 27 so I’m basically an old crone.
Courtney completely loses the thread when she gets up during her final moment to shove a pacifier in Demi’s mouth. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat. First of all, as far as props go, it’s too small to read on camera. Second of all, Courtney could try to claim some high ground over Demi but this is not the way to go.
After Demi’s time in the hot seat where her time on Paradise is teased, Nicole gets her time in the hot seat and she’s given a year’s worth of Halo Top. Is this … a thing? Did she ever mention Halo Top, or do they just support criers? Then they give some to Colton in the shower and it’s offensive.
It’s Hannah B.’s time in the hot seat and she’s getting a very strong Bachelorette edit and it must be killing Caelynn. It’s a whole bunch of generic, “I learned to love myself through this journey.†I’m happy for her because she was doing too much. Demi keeps trying to shout “BEAST†at Hannah B., and unless you’re Alyssa Edwards, you don’t need to be doing that.
Now it’s time for Caelynn’s turn in the hot seat. Chris asks her, “You were the front-runner. What happened?†Fuck. She felt that there was love between them and getting sent home just didn’t make sense. She’s been watching the season and she can feel the love between them. What she doesn’t realize is that Colton just repeats romantic declarations that are given to him instead of investigating his own feelings.
Then Colton comes out with the single worst tie in human history. It’s like someone took a tie a dad would buy at a museum gift shop after seeing a Van Gogh exhibit and turned it into a hip skinny tie. Onyeka says he can’t look any of them in the eye. No one says that they just don’t want to look at that damn tie.
Demi, for some reason, gets a special moment to talk to Colton. How close were they? Did he like her? Demi uses her time as an elaborate setup to burn on Courtney one more time. Then Courtney has NOTHING TO SAY TO COLTON. Even if you’re trying to be above it all, just say something sweet to Colton.
Caelynn asks Colton when he knew he wasn’t feeling the same way toward her and Colton answers with every bit of detail except a point in time. Caelynn says, “Okay … maybe you can’t, like … answer … the question.†She says, “You didn’t love me. That sucks. That’s it.†Dark.
Hannah B. wants to know why he would take her to meet his parents but after seeing him try to respond to Caelynn, she’s good and doesn’t need any more information.
The final question is from Sydney. Colton admits again that he doesn’t understand “whack your weeds.†With a little critical distance, it’s certainly a cloudy innuendo, but c’mon, dude. At least act like you belong. Sydney wants to know if Colton is a virgin and five women think he’s still a virgin. Take down his pants! Examine his penis! The last thing Colton says is that he was frustrated and being alone in the Portuguese night made him feel alive again.
Time for bloopers! Colton kisses a stray dog on the mouth!
See you next week for the 18-part finale. There is only finale now.