Warning: Hobbs & Shaw spoilers below.
The new Fast & Furious installment Hobbs & Shaw does not lack for repartee or shiny, rippling muscles, but if by the movie’s supposed end you are still jonesing for jacked men with jokes, fret not! There are three whole mid- and post-credits sequences to keep you thinking, These big strong rascals are funny! And in case you just had to scoot out of the theater before the Dwayne Johnson–Jason Statham saga became a full three-hour tour, here’s what happened after the actors’ names started rolling:
(We will assume you saw the montage-esque sequence at the end of the film, in which Hobbs introduces his daughter to her grandmother and all her Samoan uncles. And we’ll assume you also witnessed Deckard and Hattie Shaw pay their mom, Helen Mirren, a visit in prison and present her with a very special cake. The implication: They are breaking her out. You get it.)
Mid-Credits Act I
Once the fancy beginning part of the credits with the graphics and the little family reunions ends, Locke (Ryan Reynolds) pops back into frame. He’s at the end of a hallway filled with dead men. He rings up Hobbs to tell him that even though the Snowflake virus and its ability to cook your insides is on lockdown, there is now a new, worse virus to contend with that melts the outside of your body. The skin peels away as though you’re “removing a silk kimono in a hurricane,†he says. *Hold for laughter.* But that’s not the joke! The joke is that Locke thinks he’s talking to Hobbs when he’s actually talking to Hobbs’s daughter — and a bit about how uncannily similar their voices are ensues, despite The Rock being The Rock and his child being a 9-year-old girl named Sam. In the course of all that banter, Locke manages to get a swipe in at the Game of Thrones finale, lamenting that no one wants to talk about Jon Snow having sex with his aunt. But the best part is when Locke calls Hobbs “Becky†again (Locke insists Hobbs’s full name is “Lucas Rebecca Hobbs), because that’s just funny every time.
Mid-Credits Act II
The second sequence bring jokes and muscles. Hobbs is in what appears to be a version of The Rock’s Iron Paradise traveling gym, checking in by phone with his good friend Shaw. At least, that’s the gag! He’s actually calling because he wants to be on the line with Shaw when a handful of police pull up outside his pub, presumably in response to a tip claiming there’s a dangerous person of interest inside. Hobbs is getting payback for the airport strip-search incident that Shaw set up earlier in the movie; Hobbs tells his buddy to expect latex gloves and body-cavity searches. We don’t see the situation resolve, but it’s implied Shaw gives the cops an ass-whooping before they can touch him.
The Actual Post-Credits
At least some theaters are trying to trick patrons by turning on the house lights before the very, very end of the credits. “Oh,†you think as the bulbs around you flicker back to life, “There couldn’t possibly be more to see here.†Wrong, candy ass! There’s one final post-credits sequence. After the scroll concludes, the screen cuts to full black and, after an extended pause, Locke shows up one more time to needle Hobbs. At this point, Locke has taken a lot of hits. He’s bleeding out. He tells Hobbs his blood type, B-positive — “Just like my life outlook.†Hobbs assures him that they’re gonna get an evac team in and not to worry … and then Locke realizes, Oh, that’s not his blood! It’s someone else’s! After all, everyone around him is dead. He then relays the surprising news to Hobbs: It is possible to stab a guy in the chest with a brick. Turns out it’s surprisingly easy! (The brick thing is an inside joke, and if you missed that, well, I’m not convinced you saw this film.) And that brings us to the end of our bonus-content rundown of Hobbs & Shaw.