There are rules that say I have to start each recap of the final season of Schitt’s Creek by mentioning some aspect of the show that I will dearly miss. I have to follow the rules! Also, I made the rules, but never you mind. Move along, reader! You see, I love the David-Alexis relationship with all of my heart and I don’t care who knows it. The season six opener began to explore the idea of these two people starting to admit how important they are to each other, and “Maid of Honour†feels like the follow-up to that conversation. Just a few episodes after they were masking their feelings with bickering and eyerolls, this brother-sister pairing are now over here making overt gestures of affection and I am over there in a corner, weeping. Kudos to Schitt’s Creek for putting so much love and attention toward a sibling relationship throughout its run, but especially for the focus in the final season.
David Rose may be getting his dream wedding, but it certainly won’t look exactly like the dream wedding he planned out years ago and carefully cataloged in his Dream Wedding Binder. He won’t be marrying J.C. Chasez or Jenna Elfman (although Alexis blows my mind when she astutely points out that Patrick is “the best of both of themâ€) and, apparently, there will be no need for Alexis to find a Maid of Honor dress with a “Keira Knightley’s green dress from Atonement†vibe. Because Alexis is not going to be the Maid of Honor — David’s already asked Stevie. I mean, I hope that regardless Alexis does still opt for a look with that vibe, because she could definitely pull it off.
In all fairness to David, he did think that Alexis was going to be gone for the six months while he was planning his wedding and therefore very unhelpful as a MOH. But in all fairness to Alexis — and I mean no ill will toward our motelier-turned-flight-attendant — wouldn’t you want Alexis “Diplo still sends me nudes†Rose planning your bachelor party over Stevie Budd? Alexis seems to think so, and knowing Stevie, she assumes it would be an easy job to take off their friend’s hands. She’s not upset in the least, but is determined to get Stevie to hand over the reins.
Alexis does not, however, expect to find Stevie in the state she’s in when she, David, and Patrick pick Stevie up from Larry Air on the way to Patrick’s suit fitting. Stevie comes flying out of the building in full flight attendant getup looking like a fugitive. Larry Air is all wrong for her — they’re already putting her on a plane after a week of training, which says everything you need to know about the safety standards, she won’t be seeing the world because Larry Air only flies to Hoboken, Windsor, and South Dakota, and the company is currently embroiled in 18 lawsuits. This was a mistake and she’s freaking out. Alexis is trying her hardest to get Stevie to see that now is not the time for the added stress of being David’s Maid of Honor while also not-so-subtly hinting that Stevie is very bad at this job. I mean, everyone knows a black bowtie photographs better, even without having to hook up with three different GQ Men of the Year at a GQ Men of the Year party.
And then something really wonderful happens: As Stevie spirals about her life choices, she decides that yes, of course Alexis should be Maid of Honor, she would only screw that up too — but Alexis refuses. “You can do this,†Alexis tells her, and promises to help her any time she needs it. This is so far from the Alexis Rose we met when she arrived in Schitt’s Creek. I mean, the woman just learned what “homesickness†is and here she is with empathy and kindness and I’M JUST SO PROUD. Our little Somali pirate hostage has come so far.
David takes notice of the huge gesture, too. “Who are you?†he asks when she tells him that Stevie needs it more than she does, but you know he’s proud, too. And then, if you can believe it, something even more amazing happens: David asks Alexis to give him away at his wedding. You guys: There aren’t enough tissues.
Alexis may have surprised us all, but there is someone staying very on brand this episode: Moira Rose. Wow wow wow, what a day for us all: The trailer for The Crows Have Eyes 3: The Crowening has finally dropped. The opening scene of the episode, in which the Roses gather round — they hold hands! — to view the “siren call to the cinematic rapture that is to come†is classic Schitt’s Creek, a scene that ends in several technical glitches. Eventually, Moira gets the trailer up and running and pretty much plays it on repeat the entire day. Almost everyone is impressed (“were the crows nice?†asks an awestruck Twyla), except for Jocelyn. All she can muster up in the forced circle of praise Moira has inflicted on Jazzagals rehearsal is “it looks like a real movie!†That just doesn’t work for Moira Rose.
Moira arrives at Jocelyn’s house wanting to know why it seems she’s already deemed Moira’s movie “this year’s John Carter.†I love that this is a storyline you could’ve seen in earlier seasons — Moira’s put off that someone in town doesn’t like her work — but that here in season six, we know better. Moira isn’t just out of sorts because someone doesn’t want to heap praise on her, she’s out of sorts because she wants and values the opinion of her friend Jocelyn Schitt. Moira Rose and Jocelyn Schitt, friends, what a world! Of course Jocelyn ends up coming over to make things right with Moira. Her “thoughts†on the trailer are basically just a review of how scary the voiceover in the trailer is and she still avoids saying anything about Moira’s performance, but she also admits that she was holding back because she’s seen Moira let down by her career before and was worried what overpraising her might do. Moira is clearly still the most reluctant to drink the Kool Aid of Schitt’s Creek, but a storyline like this shows us she hasn’t completely forsaken the place. Jocelyn’s apology is enough to appease Moira. With that matter handled, get ready folks, because the Crows are coming.
The Wig Wall
• We get our first taste of Johnny and Roland working together as business partners at the new motel when they think they find a squatter who ends up being a shady lawyer type with a long-term rental agreement. I remain unmoved by any Roland storyline, although I am interested in seeing what the Rosebud expansion means for the fate of Johnny and Moira.
• Moira’s feather headband is insane and perfect and I will hear no other arguments.
• Moira on the effect her Crows costume and its 1,200 hand-sewn feathers had on her co-stars: “The live crows on set welcomed me as their own. One even tried to mate.â€
• When Jocelyn admits she doesn’t like horror movies because an old boyfriend took her to a Michael Meyers movie and she never got over it, Moira’s immediate, shocked response is: “Not The Love Guru?!â€
• “I once planned Megan Fox’s bachelorette on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro, where nothing is illegal. Like, nothing.â€
• David’s slow walk away during Stevie’s spiral is perfect and I would like it played on a loop at my next birthday party.
• “Okay, Stevie, not so hot on that tip.â€