Robert Pattinson seems bored as hell in quarantine. The actor was shooting Matt Reeves’s Batman in the United Kingdom when, you know, the coronavirus struck and ended up in a studio-provided apartment with girlfriend Suki Waterhouse, no Wi-Fi connection, and a hankering for mischief. Enter GQ. Known for pranking interviewers, R. Patz performed his greatest trick yet in a new GQ profile, complete with a backstory, a witness, and a performance aspect. In between talking about his Christopher Nolan picture Tenet and his stalled Batman remake, Pattinson offers to cook his own original pasta dish for GQ, over Zoom, of course. According to Pattinson, he thought up the recipe and business plan for a piccolini cuscino, or “little pillow,†last year and even ran it by Lele Massimini, the co-founder of Sugarfish and owner of pasta restaurant Uovo, who had no reaction. (GQ notes that Massimini confirmed everything in Pattinson’s story, so do with that what you will.) But what is the little pillow? Pattinson takes us through, step by step.
First, microwave the pasta (he used penne but prefers the kind that looks like “the hair bun on a girl.â€) Then, to “congeal everything in an enormous amount of sugar and cheese,†layer sugar and presliced cheese on top of breadcrumbs (or cornflakes: “That’s basically the same shit,â€) in a foil bowl. Then, more sugar. Then, red sauce, because, duh, this is a pasta dish. Once the pasta is cooked, plop it on top of the chaos, throw on a bun, and if you’re looking for investors like R. Patz, burn a “P.C.†on the top. Next, wrap it all up in foil and … well … this part gets a little tricky. On his Zoom cooking show, Pattinson hesitated while looking at the many fancy appliances in his borrowed kitchen, eventually opting for one that looks suspiciously like a microwave. He assures the audience that it’s not. “I actually knew how to do this before,†he said. “I literally did this yesterday. And now it’s just impossible. It’s going to look like I can’t cook at all.†Well, if people didn’t think that before, they might now that the “oven†has exploded. Before he can proudly enjoy his creation, a flash of light appears in the “oven†and Pattinson ducks, giggling as the microwave erupts. “The fucking electricity … oh, my God,†he says. Then, the appliance goes dark. “Yeah, I think I have to leave that alone,†he resigns. “But that is a piccolini cuscino.â€
I’m sorry, what is a piccolini cuscino? Because it certainly doesn’t sound edible. Our condolences to Suki Waterhouse and anything she might have wanted to microwave. Leave it to Robert Pattinson to find a way to create fireworks over Zoom. We’re all for going the Rihanna way and diversifying your income streams, but we’re already dealing with a pandemic. The world doesn’t need whatever side effects eating a piccolini cuscino will cause. But, it should make you feel better about all the burnt pans and sourdough mishaps you’ve created throughout quarantine. At least your microwave is still standing.