This week, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced that for the first time in four years, the Oscars will again have a host. After the Kevin Hart fiasco in 2018 led to the 91st Oscars going hostless — a decision that absolutely amounted to Green Book winning Best Picture that year; no, I will not explain — the Academy decided to let it ride with no one in the driver’s seat for two more years, resulting in two ruthlessly efficient but personality-free ceremonies in 2019 and 2020 followed by Steven Soderbergh’s divisive mid-pandemic 2021 ceremony. Finally, the Academy is ready to return to a hosted ceremony, prompting many non-Academy members to ruminate on whom they’d like to see hosting the March 27 event. Naturally, popular suggestions include Che Diaz, Baby Annette, and the pig from Pig.
So what kind of vibe is the Academy going for? Or more important, what kind of vibe should the Academy be going for? A big, loud “The movies are back, baby!†kind of thing even though Omicron will have just (uh, hopefully) crested and some of the year’s biggest movies are still belly flopping at the box office? Something more quietly hopeful, positioning this year’s films as a step toward a bright future full of loving Irish families and powerful dogs? Or will the Academy use the second COVID-19 Oscars as an opportunity to lean into the perceived crisis overtaking much of the movies business — an airing-of-grievances affair?
Let’s start with the responsible strategy: The Academy should hire a steady hand to lead us cautiously back into the realm of hosted awards. One has to learn to walk again before one can run, right? While a return to 2017 and 2018 host Jimmy Kimmel would probably be a bit too dull, reaching further back and letting, say, Whoopi Goldberg host again for the first time since 2002 could be sensible and fun. (Goldberg was always an underrated host. Never forget when she dressed up as Queen Elizabeth and descended from the ceiling like Satine in Moulin Rouge!) Steve Martin is another reliable option; maybe you pair him this year with his Only Murders in the Building cohort Martin Short? Maybe you pair them with their Only Murders in the Building co-star Selena Gomez? Reach out to that Spring Breakers demographic that long ago abandoned the Squaresville Oscars.
But we shouldn’t assume the Academy revived the idea of a hosted Oscars ceremony just to fall back on the same old same old. They’re likely doing this for the same reason they seem to do anything anymore: as a gambit to help improve falling TV ratings. The jury is still out on whether the host makes much of a difference when it comes to the Oscars’ broadcast performance, but it’s reasonable to think choosing someone from a popular movie might help. Which is why it’s no surprise we’re hearing rumors the Academy is considering young Tom Holland since Spider-Man: No Way Home was the only 2021 movie to attract pre-pandemic crowds to theaters. And since the campaign to get No Way Home nominated for Best Picture will almost certainly fall short, this could be a way to get those MCU eyeballs anyway.
But there is a better way. There is a host out there who can combine the snobby prestige appeal the Academy eternally chases with the broad star power ABC would appreciate. To top it off, she’s more than capable of delivering a powerful “The movies will save us if we save the movies!†message in a hushed dulcet tone like she’s whispering from the depths of an empty movie theater to an invisible yet rapt audience. Because she is. Someone run to your nearest AMC. The Academy needs Nicole Kidman.
Think about it! Her bona fides are basically untouchable. She’s been an A-lister for three decades, is an Academy Award winner herself, and is still delivering some of the best work of her career. No, Kidman doesn’t have much in the way of experience dealing with a live television audience or in performing the kind of tap dance necessary to keep a four-hour ceremony hopping. But the fact that we’ve never seen her in that mode? That’s priceless rubbernecking appeal.
Logistics could make it awkward, not least because Kidman is a shoo-in for a Best Actress nomination for her role in Being the Ricardos. Hell, she’s currently the favorite to win, lending a Kidman-hosted Oscars the graceless feeling of your most privileged friend inviting you to watch her get a Woman of the Year award from the local Chamber of Commerce. But it needs to happen for one simple reason: Nicole Kidman starred in the single most important and inspiring film of 2021, a film about how the otherworldly talents of one woman can endure in an environment of hardship, fear, and dishonesty. That film is of course the AMC Theatres back-to-the-movies ad, unquestionably the greatest film of 2021 and a shining beacon for an entertainment industry that badly wants to battle back. As its lead, Kidman is the avatar of everything we want the industry to be once again. In a world where movies as exuberant, devastating, and triumphant as West Side Story and In the Heights still struggle to get people into seats, a Kidman-hosted Oscars is the only way forward, a chance for Hollywood executives and audiences alike to unite in the dark.
Here’s my pitch: Dress Nicole Kidman up in head-to-toe Armani, sit her down in the middle of an empty AMC theater, and let her host the Oscars from there. Much as we do with AMC theaters, we come to the Academy Awards to laugh, to cry, to care. Because we need that. This year most of all. And if I have to read one more trolling report about Pete Davidson being considered for the Oscar host gig, I’m going to absolutely lose it.