Historians may struggle to deduce the precise moment when salt-and-pepper papi Oscar Isaac brought Earth’s population of 7 billion to its knees. Did the world start simping him over his thick wavy tresses that couldn’t be tamed? His luxurious chunky knit sweaters draped over his broad shoulders when he played Jessica Chastain’s hot but inattentive husband in Scenes From a Marriage? Or maybe it was his lithe naked body — exasperatedly sprawled in a floating Eames-esque office chair as Timmy Chalamet’s daddy, Duke Leto Atreides (no relation to Jared), in the sandy, futuristic universe of Dune. Perhaps it was his bare-chested, expertly choreographed sirenic dance scene — terrorizing a frightened and frail Domhnall Gleeson in Ex Machina. We can never be sure. All I know is that as president of the Oscar Isaac Thirst Organization and a desirous debauchee, I would like to be Inside Llewyn Davis. Jake Johnson of New Girl fame agrees.
In a recent interview with The A.V. Club (the internet’s puppy in human form), himbo Jake Johnson expressed his desire to work with talent — namely Oscar Isaac. “I want to work with people like that and see how it feels,†he said. Me too, girl! Trust me, I know Jake is very busy with his new show Minx, playing a slippery magazine publisher who helps a young feminist create and distribute her magazine full of nude, hard — er, hardworking — men, so out of the kindness of my heart (and the freakiness of my penetrating thoughts), I have a few film synopses for my beautiful bearded boys. (If A24 wants to pick up any of these pitches, all I ask is that they make sure I get my EP credit.)
Private Dick
Starring: Oscar Isaac, Sharon Stone, Jake Johnson, and Sam Rockwell
Detective Harry Widebottum (Isaac), head of the Missing Persons Unit and a miserable wretch with 15 years on the job, hasn’t been quite right since the death of his partner (Rockwell) two weeks prior, but life must go on! It must! Enter rookie detective Richard Long (Johnson) — a naïve transplant from Minnesota who thinks he will make a difference in the world by solving cold cases and finally bringing closure to hopeful, mourning families. After quickly realizing how well they work together, Long and Widebottum find similarities in a handful of cases and organize a massive undercover operation. They begin to notice similarities between their own lives (and carnal desires) and discover that some massive operations work better … under covers.
Alfa Beta Tango
Starring: Jake Johnson, Oscar Isaac, Charles Melton, and Glen Powell
When the military’s finest — stern, no-nonsense Command Sergeant Major Frank Juevos (Isaac) — has a classified mission no one else can complete, he has no choice than to call a man he hasn’t spoken to in 20 years: ex-military, down-on-his-luck aircraft maintenance technician Hugh Jass (Johnson). With their lives split apart by one hot, sweaty night in the barracks, can these two men come together (again) for the greater good and save the American people, their own relationship, and, just maybe, themselves?
Operation Mannschaft
Starring: Mads Mikkelsen, Daniel Brühl, Oscar Isaac, Helen Mirren, and Jake Johnson
In 1950s Great Britain, head of East German special forces Ben Jergen Hoffe (Johnson) is tasked with infiltrating the Secret Intelligence Service’s plan to collapse the East German government. His target? Mastermind agent Richard N. Myaz (Isaac). But during a stakeout, the two meet by chance in a stuffy Kensington bookstore and Ben quickly realizes that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. Will Richard give up on Operation Mannschaft, risking treason to the British government, for a chance to spend time with Big Ben? Or will Ben follow through with his plan of penetrating Richard’s inner circle and destroying it completely.
Bootlegger Louis and the G-Man
Starring: Carey Mulligan, Oscar Isaac, Julianne Moore, and Jake Johnson
On the mean streets of New York City, the FBI’s Special Agent Dixon Bhutts (Isaac) enforces the laws of Prohibition — cracking down on Jazz Age jezebels and back-alley Brunos. Lou Briccant (Johnson) runs a profitable speakeasy and will stop at nothing to assure that his best broads have ample drink. But when Agent Bhutts busts Briccant’s operation, tension mounts and it’s more about releasing inhibitions than enforcing Prohibition.
Cream of the Crop
Starring: Oscar Isaac, Jake Gyllenhaal, Jake Johnson, and Kirsten Dunst
Phil Accio (Isaac), a handsome billionaire and property developer, has plans to bulldoze and gentrify a farm in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, and erect a towering casino in its place. But first, he will have to go through rugged, third-generation stallion breeder Poppa Woody (Johnson) and learn that some stallions aren’t easily tamed.