An Apology From the Missing Comma in Donā€™t Worry Darling

Photo: Alon Amir/New Line Cinema

To Whom It May Concern:

I spent a long time thinking about whether I should write this apology. I lay low for months, hoping the shame festering inside my gut would eventually go away on its own. I guess I shouldā€™ve known better since I was raised Catholic. Anyway, Iā€™ve finally decided to come clean in the hopes that, in doing so, I might allow anyone Iā€™ve inadvertently harmed to begin the process of healing.

When I was young, I dreamed of becoming an important comma. Imagine adorning one of Shakespeareā€™s sonnets or being assigned to a phrase like ā€œLife, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.ā€ Now thatā€™s a legacy! When I finally received my assignment on my 18th birthday, my family celebrated. What an honor, they said, relieved that I wouldnā€™t be spending my life buried within the pages of a NutriBullet instruction manual. My dad ā€” whoā€™s one of the commas in The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover ā€” was especially proud, given that Iā€™d be following in his footsteps by entering the movie-title biz as the sole comma in Donā€™t Worry, Darling. It was a plum gig, in many ways. Even so, I couldnā€™t shake a lingering sense of disappointment: Was this all there was to life? Being stuck in place for eternity in the title of a movie that uses a lazy write-around to explain away that one really handsome guyā€™s British accent? (No offense to anyone involved.)

I panicked. My body quivered uncontrollably. I tried to stay in place, but I couldnā€™t handle it. So I did the one thing I was taught a comma should never do: I left. Nobody will notice, I told myself. After all, some people donā€™t even know that, grammatically speaking, there should be a vocative comma in Donā€™t Worry Darling. How important could I be? Ashamed, I spent my days drinking at the Run-on Bar, usually with the Oxford comma who got fired from You, Me and Dupree. Heā€™s not such a bad guy, but donā€™t get him started on the Russo brothers, who directed his movie before going on to make Avengers: Endgame. ā€œHacks!ā€ he often yells at no one in particular.

I was down at the Run-on when I first saw the headlines. ā€œHow Did Donā€™t Worry Darling Become So Worrying?ā€ ā€œDonā€™t Worry Darling Conspiracy Theories, Ranked by Plausibility.ā€ My heart began to race and beat out of time. (Yes, we have hearts.) My bulbous upper body began to sweat. I had been found out. What must my family think? There hadnā€™t been a comma scandal this high profile in years ā€” maybe ever? We used to tell jokes about the lazy apostrophe who went missing from Popeyes (the fast-food chain), but that was nothing like this. I begged for my old job back, to no avail. I had brought shame upon us all.

Drowning my sorrows in booze offered no relief. I knew I wouldnā€™t find peace until I earned some forgiveness. So I traveled to the Venice Film Festival to see if the apostrophe from Donā€™t Worry Darling was still mad at me. I ran into my dad there (heā€™s always loved the festival circuit), and shockingly, he forgave me, but only on the condition that I publicly apologize for causing such a scandal. And so here I am, just a comma standing in front of the world, asking you all to forgive me for overshadowing the hard work of our cast and crew with this needless controversy that I ā€” and I alone ā€” caused. I am truly sorry.

Sincerely yours,