barbenheimer

Which Barbie Would Oppenheimer Be?

Photo-Illustration: Vulture. Photos: Corbis/Getty Images; Warner Bros.

One of the major themes of the summer’s biggest release, Barbie, is that little girls see themselves in Barbie dolls and it teaches them they can be anything they want to be. Meanwhile, one of the major themes of Oppenheimer is that men are talking in the 1940s. But why should these men be denied the chance at Barbie representation just because they were born before Barbie existed and because they are men? Honestly, it’s problematic.

Because we at Vulture are do-gooders, we thought we should remedy the situation and allow the cast of Oppenheimer the same chance that little girls across the world have been given — the opportunity to identify with Barbies. (Or at least, with characters from the Barbie movie.) They’re welcome.

Oppenheimer is Ruth Handler

Photo-Illustration: Vulture. Photos: Universal; Warner Bros.

By the end of Oppenheimer, J. Robert Oppenheimer (Cillian Murphy) is a ghost of himself, relegated to haunting bureaucratic spaces as a figurehead more than a scientist. Ruth Handler (Rhea Perlman) meanwhile is a literal ghost, relegated to haunting the Mattel offices as an idea that they both work with and push against. Both Jewish. Both inventors. Both real-life people. Case closed.

The bomb is Stereotypical Barbie

It might be counterintuitive to say that the main character in Barbie is not, in fact, aligned with any character in Oppenheimer at all, but it’s the truth. Stereotypical Barbie (Margot Robbie) is who all the other characters revolve around. She is their sun, the lens through which all their stories are told. Even the opening sequence in Barbie, an homage to 2001: A Space Odyssey, emphasizes that Barbie came into little girls’ lives like a bomb, exploding ideas of what a doll could be and what girls’ aspirations could look like — the same way that the bomb in Oppenheimer revolutionized humanity’s capacity to destroy itself. The bomb is not necessarily a character, per se. But while the movie is called Oppenheimer, it is in fact about the bomb. And Barbie is a movie about Barbie.

Leslie Groves is Ryan Gosling Ken

Photo-Illustration: Vulture. Photos: Universal; Warner Bros.

These are men who maybe don’t have the firmest handle on what/who the bomb and Barbie actually are, but they still care about them deeply. Neither is a man of science. Groves (Matt Damon) simply understands that he is a military man helping create a weapon that will go boom, while Ken simply understands that he is a man and Barbie makes his heart go boom.

Boris Pash is Simu Liu Ken

Just as all the Kens in Barbie start to blend together (they are, after all, just Ken), the men in Oppenheimer can be occasionally difficult to distinguish. But in both films, the most dastardly of the bunch stands out. If Groves is a man intently focused on the bomb, and Gosling-Ken is a man intensely focused on Barbie, then Pash (Casey Affleck) and Simu Liu’s Ken are the roadblocks that stand between them and their fixations. Simu-Ken flirts shamelessly with Barbie, while Pash interrogates Oppenheimer about his Communist besties, which in effect puts all the scientists of the Manhattan Project under scrutiny. Neither is necessarily the most important part of their film, but both act as foils to show the dedication of the leads.

Lewis Strauss is the CEO of Mattel (a.k.a. Mother)

Photo-Illustration: Vulture. Photos: Universal; Warner Bros.

Both Strauss (Robert Downey Jr.) and Mother (Will Ferrell) are difficult people — Strauss takes away Oppenheimer’s security clearance, Mother tries to get Barbie into a box. They also both pursue their villainy by presenting themselves as positive forces at first in an attempt to lull their victims into their traps. Never trust the man in charge.

Gloria is Kitty Oppenheimer

On the surface, these two don’t have a lot in common. Gloria (America Ferrera) loves her child, while Kitty (Emily Blunt) is … not thrilled about being a mother. Gloria never even talks about alcohol, while Kitty’s martini glass is seemingly permanently attached to her right hand. But what draws these two together is that, while they emotionally support those close to them, they do it without coddling them. When Barbie wallows after losing her sense of purpose, Gloria snaps her out of it with a speech about womanhood. When Oppenheimer wallows after losing his security clearance, Kitty throws an empty bottle of alcohol at the wall and tells him to get real. Both of these women face reality when others can’t, and push our heroes to work against unfair systems.

Unnamed Senate Aide is the Mattel intern (Aaron Dinkins)

If Lewis Strauss is the CEO of Mattel, then naturally Alden Ehrenreich would be the mild-mannered, sweater-vested intern, following him around, listening to his schemes, while also experiencing a sympathetic pull toward the other side. If we were talking about Ehrenreich as Hobie Doyle, he’d be Cowboy Hat Ken. But we’re not!

Harry S. Truman is President Barbie

They’re both presidents. Duh.

Jean Tatlock is Sasha

Edgy girlies with strong politics, both wear black, albeit one of those outfits was CGI.

Edward Teller is Weird Barbie

Photo-Illustration: Vulture. Photos: Universal; Warner Bros.

Benny Safdie as Edward Teller has a spookiness to him that aligns him with Weird Barbie (Kate McKinnon). Weird Barbie is an inventor; she’s built a full-scale model of Barbie Land, has knowledge about the real world and the nature of everyone’s Barbxistence, and devises plans to repair rifts between universes. She’s also an outcast, not entirely accepted by mainstream Barbie society. Teller, likewise, is often the odd man out — his Hungarian accent sets him apart in the paranoid environs of this American military project. He’s also the only one at the Manhattan Project who favors a fusion-type weapon over the fission-based one they ultimately made, and when he’s not dreaming up the hydrogen bomb, he’s butting heads with Oppenheimer over the security restrictions scientists in Los Alamos are placed under. Plus Weird Barbie has crayon scribbles all over her face and Teller is always very shiny thanks to some sort of atomic-bomb-proof sunscreen.

There is only one Allan

There is only one Allan, but if an Allan escaped into our world, and if instead of joining *NSYNC he fell in with the Manhattan Project (which was in many ways a band of boys, almost like a kind of … boy band), he’d be the one to push the button, a.k.a. Kenneth Bainbridge (Josh Peck). Some dolls just want to watch the world burn.

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