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Podcaster Alie Ward has the ability to narrate her thoughts as if they were written in a script. She has developed an active habit of tacking footnotes onto her own commentary, as if to say, “I’ve had a thought about that thought.†She’s highly susceptible to the winds of fascination, allowing herself to be temporarily hypnotized by esoterica, microcultures, and the global eccentric. In other words, she’s the perfect host for Ologies, a playful science-themed podcast caught somewhere on the goofiness scale between Bill Nye the Science Guy and Radiolab. In each episode, she explores a new field of scientific inquiry by interviewing an expert in that field, interrupting only to insert quips from her own research (the research is quality shit too — Ward is an inveterate investigator, having won an Emmy writing for the educational CBS series The Henry Ford’s Innovation Nation). Her conversational style is direct and chummy; after hyping up specialists in, say, dendrology (the study of trees) or ursinology (the study of bears), Ward simply asks her listeners to “hang out†with them and “be friends.†Afterward, as a show of gratitude to anyone willing to stick around long enough to hear Islands’ Nick Thorburn’s earworm-y outro song, she closes every episode with a new secret.
While it’s impossible to read their minds, all of Ward’s guests seem to revel in her unslakable, ebullient curiosity, which at least in part explains the universal acclaim and popularity Ologies has received since launching with an, er, explosive episode about volcanology in 2017. Its other key appeal is the host’s dagger-sharp wit. On paper, listening to a podcast about experimental toxicology may sound like drinking a green smoothie: neither as nutrient-forward as a shot of wheatgrass nor as decadent as a caramel macchiato. But over more than 300 episodes, not once has Ward let a conversation drone on, a topic overstay its welcome, or a quiet moment grow into awkwardness. Unlike so many frankly interminable educational podcasts, all the funny little interjections in Ologies are entrées, not hors d’oeuvres.
On occasion, Ward’s topic of interest does the heavy lifting of generating laughs for her. The June 4, 2021, episode, “Phallology (PENISES) With Dr. Emily Willingham,†is the clearest example almost by default — just look at that title — but it’s the spark that catches between Ward and her guest that pushes the episode to FOAT status. For an academic with expertise in neuroscience, ecology, and genetics, Willingham is unexpectedly puerile (complimentary) and pun-forward, a fact she reveals without needing any prodding. “Tell me a little bit about how … long … your life has involved the dick,†Ward says to introduce Willingham. “Well, I don’t want to get too private,†the doctor cracks back.
Willingham, the author of Phallacy: Life Lessons From the Animal Penis, explains that she spent years studying the ins and outs of reproductive organs, even going so far as to coin the term intromittum as a more neutral and inclusive replacement for “penis.†Such work has its pleasures, of course, but it can be hard. For example, when Ward jokingly asks if her research with gonads is very “hands-on,†Willingham responds that “it is hands-on with animals, and [the animals] don’t survive the hands-on-edness. There’s not a lot of salaciousness to it.†She’s even more direct when Ward asks what, exactly, constitutes a phallus: “There is smooth muscle, which we can’t contract voluntarily, so our bodies have to do that for us, and they have blood vessels, and they have spongy tissue that get filled with blood — and, of course, it has skin on it, which is good.†While these early moments sound like “a realtor giving you a tour of a quaint, homey schlong,†as Ward jokes, the doctor knows how funny her subject can be for civilians. On multiple occasions, she intentionally hands Ward a choice setup while detailing some obscure anatomical or cultural phenomenon, and it makes for great patter. (Willingham: “These swallowtail butterflies have light receptors on their genitalia. Imagine if you could detect light with your genitalia.†Ward: “Absolutely changes the rave scene.â€)
Around 34 minutes in, Willingham admits she’s grown fiercely protective of anyone with a penis due to society’s ignorance about the organ and the potential harm that can cause to those with one. On the hotly debated subject of length, she says ancient Greeks preferred “small and pencil-ish†dicks over big ol’ swangers, a fact supported by most modern vagina-havers’ scientifically demonstrated preferences for average accommodations. (Here, Ward pops in with one of her footnotes: “The vajeen is a mere four-to-six inches long. So if you’re out there and you have dongxiety, maybe you just need a deeeeep, deeeep … breath.â€) Willingham also credits onetime presidential candidate Bob Dole with opening up the public conversation about erectile dysfunction, a common condition among all cocked folk that nevertheless remains a persistent source of shame for many. “What people who are having sex with people who have penises want is a partner who knows what they’re doing,†she says with more than a hint of compassion. “Not a partner with a giant dong, not a partner who can go forever, but a partner who knows that a penis is not the only instrument of sexual pleasure on the human body.†She sounds serious, but Ward, as is her wont, smells an opportunity for one last joke. Her suggestion for anyone struggling to pitch their tents? “Watch some educational materials that perhaps were not filmed in a Van Nuys motel.â€
After having spoken with Willingham for an hour and 20 minutes, Ward concludes their interview with gratitude for having learned so much about the prick. Then, to add the perfect bow to such an informative episode, she closes by gifting listeners the following “secret†Ologite-sourced blowjob tips:
• “Please, no teeth.â€
• “Don’t forget the berries.â€
• “Only do it if you want to and enjoy it.â€
• “Make an ‘okay’ sign with your fingers, gently grasp under the head, fingers go down loose but up tight.â€
• “Stick your tongue out on the way down. Wiggle it. Good suction on the way up.â€
• “Practice controlling your gag reflex.â€
• “Don’t focus too much on the head — it gets numb.â€
While these tips mirror Willingham’s own subject of interest, Ward delivers them with the explicit aim of helping others get their jollies off. They also demonstrate her willingness to “go blue†when the subject calls for it, even if it means some of her younger listeners potentially hearing more than they expected. That kind of courage in the face of a global audience is distinctly Wardian; after all, just try asking Bill Nye how to suck cock.
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