How Online Were You This Holiday?

The Italian job. While your leftist boyfriends were starting podcasts, 26-year-old Luigi Mangione took the revolution into his own hands. After allegedly assassinating UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson (which for legal reasons I must clarify is bad), Mangione became not just the internet’s boyfriend, but the entire country’s. Listen, we’ll stop making fancams if you stop taking photos that go so hard.

That’s a wrap. The data is in! You laid off over 2,000 Spotify employees this year, and now Wrapped is in its Recession-Core Flop Era. While Spotify’s yearly personalized roundups used to generate viral moments thanks to videos from celebrities and features like telling listeners to go to Burlington, Vermont (derogatory), this year’s fell short, as many recipients felt the rollout was lackluster and possibly inaccurate. Or at least, I’d rather it be wrong than admit I really did listen to that much Taylor Swift.

Hawk it to ya. May this be the end of the meme-to-crypto pipeline. After 22-year-old Haliey Welch went viral over the summer for her participation in a man-on-the-street interview, she took the logical next step: finance. The now-podcaster launched the $HAWK memecoin on December 4, which exploded with a market cap in the hundreds of millions of dollars, only to immediately collapse and leave everyone but a select few insiders on the hook. Suspicious! After abruptly exiting a Twitter Space about the scandal, Welch wasn’t heard from until December 20, when she tweeted that she is “fully cooperating” and “committed to assisting the legal team representing the individuals impacted, as well as to help uncover the truth, hold the responsible parties accountable, and resolve this matter.” In other words, don’t worry. The 22-year-old blowjob impersonator is on it.

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Beast mode

After a straight year of lawsuit drama, I had actually forgotten Beast Games still hadn’t premiered. But on December 19, the first two episodes of “one of the most undignified spectacles ever shown on TV” (according to The Guardian) landed on Amazon Prime, and I can’t seem to find any major outlet that likes it. Inspired by Netflix’s Squid Game, Beast Games enacts a different kind of torture: forcing audiences to watch thousands of participants, including YouTubers, compete in various physical and mental challenges in pursuit of $5 million. Unlike MrBeast’s YouTube videos, which come from not-dissimilar conceits, Beast Games is drawn out over ten episodes, which means not only does it lack the same snappy execution, but also that we’re going to be stuck talking about it until February 13.

Why It’s a 2: MrBeast’s subscriber base totals more than the population of the United States, which is why outlets like The Guardian are forced to cover it. But if it really is as “flat and unimportant” as Kotaku claims, then I think we can cut the charade.

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Hey, Billie, you there?

I’ve never stuck with anything as consistently as Billie Eilish has stuck with her regular Vanity Fair video interviews. In her yearly (ish) sit-downs with the magazine, she answers the same questions about her life, and the eighth installment premiered on December 18. In the span of these videos, Eilish has won nine Grammy Awards, had three hair colors, has come out, and — most importantly — has adopted another dog. This year, she said, was about friendship. “I’ve done nothing but make friends all year and got so close with people that I wasn’t with before. And, yes,” she adds, referencing a goal she set for herself in the last interview, “I’ve had a lot of good sex.”

Why It’s a 2: Eilish answers this herself in this year’s interview: In 2024, she had the most monthly listeners on Spotify in the entire world. If it weren’t for the fact these interviews take place in the dying digital-media landscape, they’d be a 1.

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Cashing in on Kelce

The Kelce empire is expanding. Travis has Taylor Swift, Jason has his podcast New Heights with Travis, and now Kylie Kelce, Jason’s wife, has thrown her hat into the ring. The first episode of her podcast, Not Gonna Lie, immediately shot to No. 1 on Apple and Spotify’s podcast charts and proves people were looking for “the Joe Rogan of the left” in all the wrong places. Turns out, she’s a woman. While the subject matter focuses on motherhood and women in sports, Kylie told the New York Times her political views “aggressively lean” left. “I mean this in the most respectful way: I don’t care what other people have to say,” she asserts.

Why It’s a 2: Not Gonna Lie held the No. 1 spot on the Apple charts for two weeks and accumulated a combined 25 million audio downloads and social-media views, according to Wave Sports + Entertainment, the show’s production company. Unfortunately, that’s still a fraction of the views of a single Taylor Swift music video.

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Elon undercover

The right’s civil-discourse war over immigration has resulted in something even funnier than the inevitable breakdown of Donald Trump and Elon Musk’s friendship: the unmasking of Elon Musk’s (alleged) fake online persona. Over the past six months, an account named Adrian Dittmann has triggered suspicion from Musk haters and fanboys alike for its participation in Twitter Spaces using a voice that sounds a lot like the site’s co-founder. Most recently, the account aggressively defended Musk in a December 28 Twitter Space, prompting users to dig up past clues about his alleged secret identity, including a Tesla Space in which Dittmann spoke about Musk in the first person. If the theory is true, then Musk has been secretly replying to himself with compliments for years, including calling himself an “amazing father” and laughing at his jokes — which should have been the first clue something was off.

Why It’s a 3: We’ve always known Twitter is an echo chamber, so I shouldn’t be surprised to learn it’s just the same billionaire talking to himself.

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All eyes on Apple

How dare someone tarnish the normally humble and modest event that is a debutante ball with their desire to take pictures. On Saturday, November 30, Apple Martin — 20-year-old daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin — attended Le Bal des Débutantes in Paris along with 19 other women between the ages of 16 and 22 making their high-society debut. However, after a video of her jokingly stepping out next to a fellow deb to be photographed was posted on December 1, she was quickly branded as a “mean girl” for supposedly stealing the spotlight. “They could never make me like you Apple Martin,” one commenter wrote about a 20-year-old they’ve never met. However, People was quick to reach out to the deb in question, Aliénor Loppin de Montmort, who confirmed what anyone who has ever had a human interaction could already tell: It’s not that deep. “[Apple’s] genuinely the nicest girl ever!” she told the outlet. “She really doesn’t deserve an ounce of what she’s getting. She was the nicest girl ever towards not only me but all the debs!” But when you really think about it: an unfounded hate campaign against a woman for existing? Now that’s a welcome to society.

Why It’s a 3: Obviously, Goop Junior was always going to make headlines, but considering this happened in a custom Valentino gown at the Hotel Shangri-La (~$1,300 a night), I don’t think she’s losing any sleep over it.

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Copped by Cooper

We normally try to steer clear of Barstool Drama in this column, since so much of it is just Dave Portnoy pulling puppet strings, but Grace O’Malley’s dramatic exit from Plan Bri Uncut, the podcast she shares with childhood best friend and influencer Brianna Chickenfry, appeared to shock everyone but the listeners. They had suspected something was up between the pair for some time, particularly during Brianna’s tumultuous relationship with Zach Bryan, and many felt Brianna did not treat her best friend with respect — an impression that was solidified when Brianna announced Grace’s departure from the podcast on Instagram Stories seemingly without her approval. Grace countered with her own Instagram Story, saying the decision was not mutual and thanking fans for their support over the years.

All’s well that ends unwell, though, because in a matter of days, Grace had been plucked by the queen of “falling out with your best friend who you host a Barstool podcast with,” Alex Cooper, away from Portnoy and onto her own podcast network, Unwell — which is also how I’d describe anyone who has managed to stay up to date on this drama.

Why It’s a 4: While Brianna has found herself at the center of a number of viral moments, particularly thanks to her last relationship, Grace has always taken a background role in their dynamic. Now that she’s flying solo, she can contribute something new and innovative to the media landscape: another podcast.

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A Cortisa Star is born

Delaware mentioned! Nineteen-year-old D.E. native Cortisa Star earned the Instagram approval of Charli XCX and Lil Nas X after her 4 Shooters Only “From the Block” performance of “Fun,” a slightly chaotic, bassed-up rap. First reposted by World Star Hip Hop on December 5, the video eventually made the rounds through the deepest, darkest corners of Twitter as every single mouth breather logged into McDonald’s Wi-Fi decided to troll her appearance, music, and transness. Noooo, don’t show how much you hate me by repeatedly posting my music across social-media platforms, increasing my streams by 200 percent … you’re so sexy!

Why It’s a 4: While Star had released “Fun” back in February and a music video last month, it wasn’t until her December 5 performance that she started catching the attention of not just mainstream-music stars like Charli XCX but also modeling scouts and publications like Dazed.

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A batch of Cookies

There are Christmas miracles everywhere for those with eyes to see, but the clear winner of the 2024 holiday season was Cookie the gingerbread plush toy. A spinoff of the classic Beanie Baby, this Ty product evoked such a strong reaction in CVS shopper Devin Silva that they immediately made content. “Saw this guy and said Ew ew ew ew ew ew ugly and then felt so bad i cried and bought him,” they wrote on December 13 with a picture of the wonky gingerbread plushie — and ended up going viral. As a result, Cookie sold out online and was twice restocked, so fervent was everyone’s love for the misfit toy. Those who managed to snag Cookie in person started hosting photo shoots of their own, while Silva has continued live-tweeting Cookie’s new life, including his new house (tragically, not made of gingerbread).

Why It’s a 5: Silva’s tweet didn’t just send people to the Ty website, it got them out of their houses and to their local CVS in hopes that Cookie was still in stock. But remember, everyone: Cookies are forever, not just for Christmas.

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Oil oracle

What started with Megan Chacalos applying an olive-oil hair mask in high school ended with two Graza social-media employees wearing olive-oil costumes standing outside the door of her adult New York City apartment. In between, there was a near concussion, a blaring house alarm, a broken waterline, and around 60 million views. Chacalos posted the elaborate story, which you can read in full here, on December 6 as part of the Pepe the King Prawn x “Like a Prayer” trend making the rounds on TikTok, through which participants share some of their most harrowing life experiences.

Why It’s a 4: While “olive oil girl” isn’t the most sustainable of online careers, Chacalos has managed to get 60 million views, a bunch of brand deals, and even more olive oil — which, at the very least, is a good Christmas.