One unspoken rule of polite society when dealing with our eldest and youngest populations is that you can’t call little kids “babies” (try referring to a toddler as a baby and see what happens) and you can’t call old people “old.” But the catch is, this rule doesn’t apply to them; an elder will call anyone younger than they are a baby, and a child will call any adult old.
Recently, my nephew was in awe upon discovering that his parents and aunts were born “in the 1900s,” a true reminder for me, freshly 30 years old, that aging isn’t a distant, hypothetical dream but something others can see and project onto me — especially those whose lives have just begun. Barbara gets this same wake-up call when her daughter, Taylor, announces a new addition to the family, officially making Barbara the most fabulous grandma at Abbott Elementary.
Initially, Barbara is ecstatic at the news, which ironically falls before the 100th day of school, an exciting event for her kindergarten students, who will dress up as centenarians to celebrate the milestone. She gushes as she thinks of possible baby names and has her class dance for 100 seconds of joy. But when the thought of Taylor’s moving back home sets in, and her daughter’s words about helping out “every day” ring in her ears, Barbara realizes she may not be as ready to become a grandma as she thinks. It starts with her co-workers’ reactions to the announcement, which include regaling her with memories of their own grandmothers, who are mostly dead, or senile in Ava’s case. The last straw is Ava’s declaration that all good grandmas need only two things: “hypertension and a muumuu.” Now, we all know Barbara wouldn’t be caught dead in a muumuu (caftans only for our queen!), and her poreless skin is anything but an indicator of elderly status, but she can’t shake the ancient connotation that comes with the title of grandparent.
Sheryl Lee Ralph is the perfect person for this story line: Her career proves that longevity is a blessing and a gift, and as she has said before, aging is something to look forward to when you consider the alternative. As a 67-year-old Emmy winner, Ralph knows more than anyone that the top of one mountain is the bottom of another — words of advice she would give to her younger self. She shows this wisdom through her portrayal of Barbara, who needs some help realizing that grandparenthood is the beginning of a journey, not the end. But it’s hard to come to this conclusion when surrounded by youth on a day when the kids are cosplaying as senior citizens, trudging into her classroom with gray wigs, miniature walkers, and wrinkles contoured into their cherub faces in makeup. One student named Margaret looks up into Barbara’s face, excitedly hammering the nail in the coffin as she says, “I’m dressed as you! Because you’re 100 years old! You’re the oldest person we know.”
Barbara is appalled by the accusation that she “looks great for 100,” so Melissa tries to talk her down, reminding her friend that kids rarely have an accurate sense of time or aging. She asks a student to guess their ages, and he says Melissa is 45, Gregory is 37, and Janine is 19, proving Melissa’s point until he takes a hard left by saying Barbara is 63. He elaborates, saying it’s not because her skin looks haggard but that her entire demeanor — from her cardigan and pearls to her vocal diction — points to her being older. Fed up, Barbara asks Ava for help in reviving her youth, and the pair rifle through Ava’s office closet, allowing Ava to live out her movie-makeover dreams, except the end result is like watching Pretty Woman in reverse with Barbara emerging looking more like a City Girl than a grandma. In bedazzled low-rise jeans and a cropped denim jacket with fur lapels, she debuts her new look in time for the 100th-day parade, getting compliments from Crystal, of all people, the mom who runs Forever Bitch Apparel.
As Barbara comes to terms with her next chapter, Jacob unintentionally sends Melissa on a rat race — don’t tell her I referred to Sweet Cheeks as a rat, but the joke was right there — when he accidentally sets her beloved guinea pig loose in the school. Calling Sweet Cheeks a rat, a “pea-brained rat,” to be precise, is exactly what landed Jacob in this horrific situation, which is made worse by students who are literally about to stomp through Abbott for the parade. To apologize for insulting Sweet Cheeks, he got the pet an exercise ball to improve its cardiovascular health and assist with the lethargy it has been experiencing. While the roommates patch things up, Sweet Cheeks escapes the ball, sending Melissa into an immediate panic trying to find the rodent before the parade. Mr. Johnson joins in the search, hilariously knocking the hat off a cafeteria worker in case of “a Ratatouille situation.”
Meanwhile, with Janine and Gregory happily coupled and in love, Abbott shifts the spotlight onto another slow burn with Ava and O’Shon circling each other as the season progresses. Now that they’re at a standstill with steady text communication and O’Shon becoming a regular fixture at the school, he thinks it’s time to ask Ava out. She is beyond ready for the courtship to evolve, as expressed through a string of expletives describing what she wishes O’Shon would do to her (Daia’s case with HR is building by the day). On his latest trip to Abbott, O’Shon divulges to Gregory that he’s ready to ask Ava on a date, instantly causing Janine to stumble into Gregory’s classroom, ready to insert herself into Ava’s love life after weeks of noticing the tension between the principal and the IT tech. Janine and Gregory bombard O’Shon with suggestions for a first date with someone as high-maintenance as Ava. Their unsolicited advice includes making sure any restaurant they go to has Michelin stars, taking her to a movie only if it’s a premiere, and forgetting about “mini” golf and going for “gigantic” golf instead. O’Shon ignores the couple, using their advice as what not to do, and casually asks Ava out on a date as straightforwardly as possible, finally taking their relationship one step further.
Everyone convenes in the gymnasium for the parade as the students march in their costumes with “Forever Young” playing from the loudspeakers. Melissa, Jacob, and Mr. Johnson continue their search for Sweet Cheeks until the very last minute, narrowly avoiding a gruesome situation with the step team performing to Kirk Franklin’s “Stomp” before finding the guinea pig hiding under a mop head. At the end of the parade, Janine pulls Barbara aside in her classroom to ask what’s going on with her makeover. Barbara admits to being overwhelmed by becoming a grandma. She’s terrified of the thought of pausing her life to take care of the baby and accelerating the time before she “joineth the Lord.” Barbara says she’s not ready to be “that old, that fast,” but Janine flips the script and slips into the role Barbara usually plays for her. Janine tells Barbara that she gets to decide what kind of grandparent she wants to be by setting boundaries. Janine says her mentor could never be a muumuu-wearing grandma because she’s too cool and glam, and she bestows Barbara with the perfect name: Glam-ma. There’s just one problem — the baby’s grandma on the father’s side is also gunning for that title, so now we just have to cross our fingers that Taylor’s soon-to-be mother-in-law makes an appearance and we can see the two battle it out.
Teacher’s Notes
• I have a few ideas for whom to cast as the other grandma to Taylor’s child, but my biggest dream (hehe) would be to bring in Loretta Devine or Jennifer Holliday for a mini Dreamgirls reunion!
• Finally, the silliest lines of the episode:
Melissa remembering her own grandmas: “One had eyes like a hawk; she could spot a wire under a wool sweater. The other, hearing like a wax moth; she could hear the rustle of a wire under a silk blouse.”
Ava’s guesses on what Barbara’s announcement will be: “You’re getting married? My inversion table has arrived? Janine is pregnant again?”
Ava reminding us that Taylor and Gregory used to date: “How does it feel now that your girlfriend, Barb’s fake daughter, is going to be a fake aunt to your ex-girlfriend’s baby? Which makes you a fake uncle to your could-have-been child?”
Barbara after Ava uses White Chicks as a movie inspiration for the makeover: “Not that movie! Those Olsen twins, they scare me.”