Almost paradise …
Finding true love on the screen …
Almost paradise …
It’s the worst people you’ve ever seen …
I swear I can see the spon-con in your eyes
Paradiiiiiiiise!!!!!!!!
Awwww, hell, yeah! We got that li’l intro back, and may I just say, Bachelor in Paradise producers, you have outdone yourselves! When Shenae looked dead into the camera as a funeral pyre burned behind her, recalling that meme of the little girl smiling as a house burns down? I wept. I wept with joy. I wept for everything I didn’t know I wanted and didn’t know I could have. Thank you, thank you, thank you. For Lace falling over again, I say, “Thank you for these gifts.†For Hunter getting toilet paper thrown at her for an impossible amount of time, I say, “How dare you. Dear God, free this woman from this poop-based reputation and pain.†I’m thankful for all that Bachelor in Paradise gives us.
Let’s get to it.
The sun is shining, the crabs are skittering, and love is in the air. There are a few “established†couples, i.e., people who have had more than one conversation: Brandon and Serene, Andrew and Teddi, Shenae and Logan. There’s also Justin and Genevieve, whose limits will be tested this episode, and Johnny and Hunter, who I haven’t seen have one interaction, but I’ll take the show’s word for it. Somehow, Hailey has found herself the main character and narrator of the first half of the episode, and I’m not here for it. Seriously, this has gone on long enough … Who is Hailey? I know a night-one eliminee deluding herself about her romantic options simply can’t get this much screen time. Is she famous? Was she a Cheetah Girl at some point and I’m not aware? But before we get to Hailey’s romantic misfortune, we’ve got to pick up right where we left off: the return of Victoria F.
Victoria F. is supposed to be a power player, and all the men and women are shook at her arrival. She tells the camera she knows exactly who she is and is looking for someone who can handle her because she’s a lot. Then she sticks her tongue out. She’s wacky, she’s goofy, she’s incredibly hot by any and all beauty standards. I hope she finds someone who can handle her! ;-P She takes all the guys aside to see what’s happening on the beach. Johnny takes a big swing when it comes to saying her name and guesses “Caroline.†I would like one man on this beach to get a woman’s name right. He also tells her she’s kind of a southern girl and she’s perfect. Victoria, stop messing around and choose this man. He’s got it all figured out, and I’m sure he can handle you. But she’s got her sights set on Justin, and she asks him on the date.
Thus begins Genevieve’s daylong depressive spiral.
For these recaps, I try to hit around 2,000 words. Is that completely over the limit of what I’m supposed to write? Oh, yes. When I first started writing these screeds, these manifestos, I’d hit 1,000 words and feel accomplished, but now, they’ve positively ballooned to well over 2K. But I would need approximately 7,000 words to accurately capture every part of Genevieve’s meltdown. This woman spends an entire 18-hour day descending into emotional hell. She goes from bummed to weeping while standing ankle deep in the ocean to deciding she doesn’t want Justin feeling conflicted to wanting to pack it up and go home. She is going through too much for the first full day of Paradise. Ma’am, we all just arrived. No one knows Lace’s name yet. You shouldn’t be having these big feelings so early. Genevieve is also going to anyone who knows Justin and asking them to ask if Justin just likes her or like-likes her. So that whole thing is happening.
On the other side of the beach, Sierra is hanging out with Michael A., and she thinks he’s more than a zaddy — he’s a “zamn, Zaddy.†I refuse to refer to any man who is walking around this beach without his beard lined up as a “zaddy.†Michael is a father. They hang out on a daybed and talk about Michael’s wife, Laura, and what it’s like to grieve and date and parent all at the same time. Michael says he tends to get scared in a relationship when things start to get real. Sierra does a great job saying she doesn’t know exactly what he’s going through but she can sympathize with him. Michael says Sierra understands “that old type of love that is forever.†Sir. Please. Stop saying that women ten years younger than you understand “that old type of love†or are “old souls.†You don’t like them because they are old souls. You like them because they listen when you talk and you can bounce a quarter off their asses.
Elsewhere on the beach, Shenae and Logan have been spending a lot of time together, and Hailey is losing her mind. She wanted to pull Logan aside because they apparently made eye contact yesterday or something and she wants to pursue that strong connection. She wanders down the beach to find everyone watching Shenae and Logan frolic in the water. She says if she tells Logan how she feels, he’ll come back to her knowing that he explored every option — then Shenae and Logan start making out. Fuck. Hailey does pull Logan aside and just can’t manage to get out a complete sentence about how she’s feeling.
Hey, ladies, all of you — these men ain’t shit. They’ve been scolded across multiple seasons for not saying what they want or ignoring the leads of their respective seasons during group dates. “I want to be pursued …†Not gonna happen! It seems as if the only way to lock a guy down in Paradise is to (a) meet him at a country-music festival two months before filming starts or (b) tell him that being attracted to you is nonnegotiable and you will be coming for that ass. You casually chatted it up at the bar for ten minutes? That means nothing. If the guys have the roses, you’re going to have to work twice as hard as usual. Quit crying and plant your flag in their asses, ladies.
Shenae gets the date card, seemingly just to make Hailey feel worse, and she asks Logan. If these two get engaged, it’s over. Shut the beach down.
Hailey spends the rest of the night crying in the confessional booth about how she’s bad at reading men and ignores red flags about people. I’m saying this with the most love in my heart: Dating on reality TV might not be for you. She tearfully asks, “Who else is going to break my heart?†… You met him yesterday.Â
Then there’s this whole Salley business. Lace finds a mysterious suitcase in one of the women’s bedrooms. It contains human-hair bundles, a waffle iron, and a vibrator. This is a woman’s suitcase packed by a group of men in a boardroom. It’s less suitcase and more metaphor. The ladies are worried about Salley because she’s beautiful and going to wreak havoc on the beach (despite not even making it onto Clayton’s season) and because she maybe hooked up with Justin at Stagecoach. They said “Stagecoach†— everyone finish the drink you’re currently having! The women head down to the bar to ask Wells what’s going on. When did we start giving Wells a production budget? Wells acts out Drunk History style how Salley locked a producer in her trunk and didn’t get on a flight to Paradise. What the fuck is happening? Apparently, Salley is coming to Paradise but not today.
Justin and Victoria come back from their date and Genevieve says she doesn’t want to chase Justin and she doesn’t want to be his second choice or even an option. Meanwhile, Justin is asking his dudes how Genevieve has been while he was on the date, and they tell him she’s been pouting and moaning, and since it’s after midnight, it’s her birthday. He finally takes her aside and asks how she’s feeling, and she says she’s checked out after seeing him on the date with Victoria. He says, “Checked out? Because I don’t have a decision,†and Genevieve says, “See, you want me to be honest but then act like that when I do.†Genevieve, this has got to be the first time this man has asked you to be honest. This is playing out like a scene from Marriage Story and they don’t even know each other’s last names. Genevieve says this is the worst birthday.
Then there’s whatever the hell Romeo is doing. Before I get into exactly what he’s doing, let’s just try to figure out why this is happening. I went back through my notes to find anything Romeo did on his season, and all I have is that he backed up Chris at the “Men Tell All.†That’s it! This is a fatal combination of a nerd who got hot and tall and suddenly can command the attention of a couple of women thinking he can command the attention of all women and a fundamental misunderstanding of what Paradise actually is. He seems to think Paradise is a no-boundaries, sexual free-for-all where no one will find out what you’re doing and saying, but it’s actually a college dorm. Sure, you can hook up with whoever you want, but evvverrryonnne is going to find out immediately, and you better have an explanation for what you did or you’ll find yourself eating dinner in the media lab in Pendleton Hall. Romeo decides he wants to talk to Brittany despite the fact that he’s currently trying to make it work with Jill. The entire time Brittany is talking to Romeo, she’s making “Get me out of here†eyes. I’m seeing the sides and corners of those eyeballs. If she was at the club, any woman within 50 feet would come to her rescue. Brittany also keeps bringing up Jill and asking, “What’s your relationship with Jill?†Romeo laughs and says, “This is crazy,†and moves in to kiss Brittany, who swerves him with her entire body.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We haven’t had a rose ceremony yet! This is a regular day!
Brittany says she would rather get hit by a bus than go out with Romeo. Romeo, you gotta leave, my guy. Jill obviously sees what’s going on with Romeo getting shut down by Brittany and she storms off, cursing Romeo out and saying she never wants to talk to him again. Yes! He starts crying. Even more yes! Jill says Romeo is chasing her around pretending to be upset and he couldn’t even give her some human decency. She says she was bamboozled!
We’ve got to get to rose-ceremony night. Jill looks amazing. Good for her. Jesse asks everyone the most embarrassing possible questions before setting them free into the night to make this all worse somehow. Romeo just needs to find someone to give his rose to. He goes up to Jill and Casey and asks Casey if he can steal Jill away, and Casey goes, “It’s up to Jill.†C’mon, Casey, give us the bare minimum of good-guy behavior! Jill says she’s so hurt, and Romeo says, “I didn’t choose to hurt you.†You tried to kiss Brittany while you were on girlfriend probation!
Romeo says he was afraid to talk to Jill, and he wants to know, if he gives her his rose, will she accept it? She says the door is closed. Logan watching from afar says he kinda feels bad for Romeo. Shut up, Logan. Romeo is now running around with a free rose to give, and no one wants to accept it. He tries to flirt with Hailey before crumpling into tears at the cocktail table. Kira has better options, and she can’t trust him. Casey says that Romeo has a scarlet letter. C’mon, Casey, give us a literary reference!
No rose ceremony yet. See you tomorrow!!!