Dear and gentle readers, first of all, I’m back!! Thank you to Emily for recapping not only Pizza Peter’s arrival but the show’s continued attempts to make Ashley I. and Jared some sort of paragon of love and commitment despite all of us watching their never-ending, never satisfying courtship on the beach. Second of all, my precious and tender readers, I’m about to say something that might shock some of you: I’ve never seen Love Island and I don’t think I want this show to turn into Love Island.
Love Island, both U.K. and U.S., seems like such a whole thing. I’m tired, I’m busy, I can only listen to a British accent for so long. Based on what I’ve absorbed about Love Island purely through osmosis, there’s a new episode literally every day, there’s something called the Villa, they get to have their phones, and everyone wears giant microphone packs like they’re on The Real World: Hawaii. Am I close? Does anyone fall in love? Do they fight? I’ve seen that one clip of that girl being like, “Is London a country or is it a continent?†about 15 times, and there’s no dating involved in that conversation. I’m fully unsure what is happening there, but I’m even more unsure why our dear Bachelor in Paradise is attempting the Casa de Amor gambit.
Do you remember when the biggest source of drama was that Joe and Samantha double-crossed Juelia because they met each other before they arrived on the beach? And now the show that’s barely gotten a couple across the finish line in several seasons of the main franchise is stealing mechanics from other television programs to engineer more chaos? Y’all. I can’t see this working out.
Before we officially “Let’s get to it,†I have one thought on the Casa de Amor twist: If any of the couples rearrange, are we supposed to root for them? Rodney clearly came to the beach wanting to meet Eliza, and the typical Bachelor in Paradise switcheroo is hard enough to pull off. But like, am I cheering for Rodney or Lace? Lace is full on weeping and all of the new women are actively plotting to break these relationships up! Am I excited that Rodney got to meet the woman he wanted to meet from the beginning, or am I sad for Lace? It can’t be both, and “emotional chaos†is not a driving narrative force. It is effective and seductive, but romantic entropy doesn’t provide a lot of structure here.
Okay, now it’s time. Let’s get to it.
It’s morning in Paradise and WE’RE ONLY AT SECOND ROSE CEREMONY NIGHT. Please help. How are there … let me just check here … 38 episodes this season?!?! There are no other shows on TV. There is only Bachelor in Paradise. Surrender yourself. I must be stuck in some sort of Russian Doll situation where I can see time dilating in front of me. There must be a riddle or philosophical quandary that I can solve to free us from this hell. Maybe if I’m able to figure out the meaning of true love, we’ll all snap out of this.
In a word problem that will be repeated over and over this episode, if there are 12 men and seven women, how many last-minute contestants will have to be sent in to make sure Michael A. is still the main character? When did we decide that Michael A. was our most important priority this season? (My boyfriend finally figured out what Michael’s uncanny valley of a beard reminds us of: Kenneth Branagh in Wild Wild West. Michael is serving Dr. Arliss Loveless realness.) He’s one of the contesticles that doesn’t have a secured rose going into the rose ceremony along with Logan, James, Justin, Casey, and Peter. Some of these names I understand — Peter is a pizza-based menace who must be stopped. But Justin is going into the ceremony without a rose? We have failed as a nation.
Then Ashley I. and Jared leave. Bye, you weirdos. Get outta here.
The love triangle of Logan/Shanae/James concludes with James making Shanae a shrimp taste test with green shrimp, shrimp tacos, shrimp with chocolate sauce, and Shanae’s favorite snack, shrimp with salt and pepper. Exotic. James blindfolds her and feeds her various shrimps. Shanae loves that he’s doing little special things for her and they exchange some shrimp-burp kisses.
The end of the cocktail party is dominated by Casey’s brilliant strategy to tell Brittany that Peter has been talking shit about her all over the beach and somehow end up with her rose. He pulls her aside and tells her that Peter has been calling her a clout chaser and she’s only there for the Instagram followers. That is rich for several reasons. One: Everyone on that beach is there for Instagram followers. This is a purely Instagram-based economy. Two: Really? Peter? REALLY? PETER?? You wanna accuse anyone on this beach of being there for clout when you attempted to sue other past contestants for pizza slander? Also, Andrew? Telling Brittany to not confront Peter isn’t a good look. Let the women drive every terrible man off this beach like St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.
Peter handles the confrontation, takes accountability for his actions, and apologizes to Brittany and any other women he might have made uncomfortable. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! NO!!! OF COURSE NOT!!!!! He tells her she’s a waste of time and his biggest regret was taking her on the date! He stands alone on the beach and screams into the waves, “WHAT’S MY FAVORITE COLOR?! BLACK!!!!!!†and honestly, to explain how we got here would diminish the experience. Jill joins Brittany on the beach to tell Peter that no one is giving him a rose, so he should just leave. He says that Brittany’s looks are going to fade and she’ll have nothing left. Meanwhile, he looks like Leatherface tried to make a mask of Roger from Doug.
In the midst of all this, Casey starts to experience the emotional toll of telling Brittany what Peter said. He thinks that everyone is pissed and he didn’t want to have that effect on the beach and there’s so much yelling and he fully passes out. You know what? Passing out when everyone starts yelling and it’s kinda your fault is a genius move. From now on, anytime I feel remotely uncomfortable or wish I could leave the situation, I’m going to just pass out. Casey tells the medics that it was more “circumstantial†than “physical,†and this is exactly what I’m going to do the next time I say that a dish at the dinner table tastes like ass, only to realize that my brother’s girlfriend brought it and it’s a special family recipe. Bonus points if I can take the casserole out on my way to the floor. Casey manages to sprain his ankle on the way to the ground, and he’s instantly eliminated.
Meanwhile, James, Jacob, and Rodney have formed a squad to get Peter off the beach. This is really the full spectrum of foolish masculinity heading to take out the exemplar of toxic masculinity. Peter says he’s not going to leave on anybody else’s terms ………… but he is leaving. Jill screams, “CIAO UGLY,†which is devastating and beautiful. Peter says, “BUONGIORNO BITCHES! PETER’S PIZZERIA!! THE PIZZA KING IS OUT!†as his good-bye to the beach. Chef’s kiss.
It’s almost time for the rose ceremony, and the few remaining men are trying to figure out where their rose is going to come from, and the producers realize that Michael doesn’t have anyone to give him a rose, so they get on their headsets and say the code word: “Blonde Nurse.†Danielle M. from Nick Viall’s season appears and strolls down the stairs into Paradise. Apparently, Michael and Danielle haven’t met in real life, a fact they want us all to know, but they have connected online because they’ve both dealt with the loss of their romantic partners. Wells says that they’re basically the same person because they’re both so sweet, they deserve love, they’re perfect for each other and they’re so sweet. He also says something really bizarre about genitals, and I think we can rely on Wells a little less for episode narration.
Time for the rose ceremony. Serene gives her rose to Brandon, Jill gives hers to Jacob, Lace gives hers to Rodney. It’s time for Shanae to give out her rose. Who will she choose?? Oh, Logan. Okay. Cool. I guess that’s it. Victoria gives her rose to Johnny, Brittany gives hers to Andrew, and Danielle gives hers to Michael. All’s well that ends exactly how production wanted it!
James and Justin are going home. UGH. James seems to have chilled out from last season, and Justin is a king who should be on the show by any means necessary!
It’s the next morning in Paradise and everyone’s spirits are high, so that means it’s time to start fucking with people. Before that can happen, Danielle gets a date card because Michael A. has a development deal at ABC. Of course she asks Michael A. because I don’t think she talked to another person on the beach last night. This date has some interesting energy. It’s clear that these two really like each other and they feel that they can relate on a level that they can’t with other people on the beach. But they aren’t exactly on the same page. Danielle seems to be further along in her grieving process and is more willing to use the date to flirt rather than to discuss coping strategies. At one point, she asks Michael what’s on his mind right now, which is code for “take off my top,†and when he doesn’t respond with a smooch, she playfully teases him about it. Meanwhile, Michael’s romantic opener at the sit-down portion of the date is, “Do you ever feel like your happiness will result in other people feeling pain?†Sweet Christ.
There’s also some light Chicken Soup for the Soul conversation. I’m sure it’s helpful to meet someone who feels the same way you do about the person you are after a tragedy and who you want to surround yourself with. Buuuuuutttt … Michael saying “I can only be with people who are scarred†is a lot. Then Michael says he feels like there’s a hopeful future and maybe a piece of his wife and Danielle’s fiancé can live within the love they share, and again, this is A LOT. They smooch and Michael says this could be his last first date ever. THEY’VE NEVER MET IN REAL LIFE BEFORE!!!
Back at the resort, everyone is cuddling up with their rose-ceremony partners. Johnny is telling Victoria that you should take someone on a first date to an amusement park because you’ll be tricked by your endorphins and fall in love. Is Johnny a sociopath? TBD.
Jesse gathers everyone to the couches and makes them talk about how great everything is going. Genevieve? DO you feel secure in your relationship? Jill, do you feel chosen by Jacob? Lace, does Rodney know your first name? WELL TOO BAD, FUCK YOU. Because Bachelor in Paradise has to cover everything in some pseudo-Christian therapy language, this twist is being presented to us as an obstacle and a test for everyone’s relationships, and if they can overcome them, they’ll be stronger and more in love. If that were true, you wouldn’t have the new women arrive fresh from Drybar and in bikinis. You want these men to untie those bikinis with their teeth. The new women arriving are Jessenia, Sarah, Kate, and Eliza from Clayton’s season and Florence from Bachelor Australia. Well, g’day mate to her. Victoria says that Johnny asked her why she looked different and she said she wasn’t wearing makeup. This relationship is doomed.
As the women head to their room to pack up, they realize that the new ladies will be sleeping in their beds. Victoria keeps trying to tell everyone that their boyfriend of five business days will be totally faithful and nothing bad will happen. Victoria, respectfully? Shut the fuck up. Everyone is pissed and they can’t exactly hear your pep talk about how loyal Jacob is right now. Jill just keeps screaming, “MY BOY IS GOING TO LEAVE!†Jill is full-body sobbing and Genevieve is threatening to leave the production. Serene is ready to burn Paradise to the ground despite basically being engaged already. Meanwhile, Brandon is talking shit about how these men ain’t loyal. He says that Jacob is a walking thot who is about to be battling some sexual demons. Let Brandon out, he’s not interested in this drama. Logan says it might be fair to make a move on some of these women because Lace spent the last week making out with James. Someone chimes in, “I don’t like that she said she was juggling you two,†as if that justifies whatever hell is being cooked up in Logan’s head and loins.
Everyone is crying. Everyone is horny. And tomorrow … some hot men arrive! Equality!!