Well, João is back. Womp, womp. I had heard rumors of his return, so I’m not necessarily surprised, but that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it! Here’s a refresher on his history with the Below Deck franchise: João appeared on two seasons of Mediterranean, where he worked his way up from lead deckhand to bosun while constantly reminding us that he’s from Zimbabwe. He worked alongside our beloved Aesha, and they had major beef due to the fact that João’s a raging misogynist who slut-shamed and verbally bullied her. He also had a dreadful drunk alter ego named Jezabob that made all the women’s lives a living hell. It’s disappointing — though not shocking — that production chose to replace toxic masculinity with another embodiment of toxic masculinity. João tells us that he has turned over a new leaf and is no longer the asshole we know him to be. I, however, am skeptical of this shot at redemption. But let’s see how it plays out, shall we?
Last week’s double bill was dark, but the show must go on as they prepare for a new charter. The interior’s down a stew, but I’m sure they’ll manage now that Laura’s no longer here to drag them down. At the preference-sheet meeting, we learn that our next guests are adult entertainers. The primary, Laura, requests a “big gay brunch†and animal-themed dinner with “outrageous décor†for the second night, which worries Aesha since tablescapes are her weakness. Laura also wants her body to be decorated by Tzarina for dessert. I love when you can tell that a group of guests is going to be wildly entertaining before they even set foot on the boat.
Then, Harry and Culver practically summon João by talking about how they don’t want their new boss to be a “dickhead.†Now a second officer who has captained 30-meter yachts, João tells us that he’s eager to learn from Captain Jason as he hopes to eventually work on bigger boats. When Aesha finds out that João’s joining the crew, she’s obviously not thrilled because “he’s the worst.†There’s clearly still tension between the pair, so I’m intrigued to see how it plays out as they agree to leave everything in the past. Here’s hoping that he’s actually matured and won’t try to undermine her like he did to Hannah Ferrier.
While João introduces himself to the rest of the crew, we learn through a priceless reaction from Tzarina that they already know each other. I really didn’t see that coming! According to her, João used to date (and fucked over) her best friend at the same time that Tzarina was dating João’s close friend, confirming that not only is he an asshole onscreen but in real life, too. “He’s definitely a guy’s guy and a womanizer,†Tzarina tells Margot. I detect no lies. She also says that she wants to punch him in the face, which I’d pay good money to see.
When the guests finally arrive, Laura immediately tells Jason when he shakes her hand that she gets “giddy when you touch me like that,†and introduces herself to Harry as “fully shaved.†The timing of a “sexually charged†guest named Laura arriving just after the devilish crew member with the same name has left is sort of amazing, even if it’s probably just a coincidence.
As the deckhand team prepares to leave the dock, it quickly becomes clear to João that the boys have no clue what they’re doing. He later holds a meeting where he says that his goal is for them to work faster and build more structure in terms of scheduling since they’re currently disorganized. To be fair, this is on Luke and his inadequate leadership, not the deckhands. The guys, however, already hate João and don’t care for his attitude, so I’m sure we’re in for some delicious crew drama.
After they drop anchor at an island, Culver and Harry are tasked with accompanying the guests to the beach, and it ultimately goes a little too far. Laura, who’s topless, and her friend Skyy ask Culver to join them in the ocean, and they eventually convince Harry to jump in too. Adam and João, who are on the boat, use binoculars to watch the four of them play chicken. Harry, amazed at what he’s gotten himself into, tells us that Laura’s “boobies†are in his face with the excitement of a 12-year-old.
João, meanwhile, is baffled by Harry and Culver’s lack of professionalism and thinks that they’re crossing the line by acting like they’re on vacation. I guess nobody informed him that Culver’s the CEO … In all seriousness, I get that the guests asked them to get into the water, but Culver does tend to get carried away with his desire to keep the guests entertained, and it’ll only get him in trouble now that João’s in charge. It’s moments like these when I start to think that Culver may be better suited to cruises.
João decides to tell Culver and Harry that they have to return to the boat because he thinks the deckies need to be whipped into shape. Culver’s disappointed because he was showing the guests a good time, and João argues that it’s pointless for them to all be on shore because the guests need space. They go back and forth on this for a while, and Culver of course doesn’t let it go and complains about João for the rest of the night. João goes to Aesha for advice on how to deal with his team, which surprises her since she didn’t expect him to treat her with respect, which is the least he could do.
Tonight’s dinner theme is glitz and glam, and Aesha’s stumped on how to decorate. She and Margot pretty much throw a shit-ton of sparkly pink items onto the table, hang up cheap streamers, and call it a day. It looks terrible, so they’re lucky that Tzarina’s incredible food makes up for it. While the guests enjoy their meal, João and Tzarina chat in the galley while Culver stands in the doorway. Culver’s jealous over their interactions — which feels a tad flirty, despite how much Tzarina initially seemed to despise him — and I’m starting to get territorial vibes from him. Once dinner’s finished, the guests head into their respective cabins to livestream, according to a graphic that’s accompanied by some sexual sound effects.
The next morning, the crew go all out for the big gay brunch. Aesha sports a rainbow tutu, the deckhands wear Budgy Smugglers, João wears a ball gag — did they just have that lying around the boat? Did Aesha order it for this specific charter? — and Culver puts his whole ass on display while serving rainbow pancakes. It’s a home run with the guests, but I continue to be discomforted by the crew having to do such outrageous things for the sake of trying to get a bigger tip.
Afterward, Harry, at the advice of Aesha, asks Margot out on a date, suggesting that they have drinks while watching the sunset during the next night off. Margot tells us that she likes her “flirty little relationship†with Harry because it feels harmless. Fair, but it’s clear that he wants it to blossom into something more. I’m just not convinced that she has genuine romantic feelings for him.
The episode concludes with Jason and Culver trying to get the tender back on the boat while João’s busy kayaking with the guest named Jessie. They struggle to pull it in because it’s swinging around in the strong winds. The tender crashes into the railing and the side of the boat, and the last thing we see before a “To Be Continued†flashes onscreen is the scary sight of Captain Jason falling down. Here’s hoping that he’s alright. (Spoiler: He is.)