Cher must talk to Paul Giamatti. Apparently. In an interview with Howard Stern on February 7, Giamatti revealed that, over the course of several years, he has been informed multiple that Cher needs to talk with him, though he has no idea why. “Every now and then I get a message from somebody,†Giamatti told Stern. “Cher really needs to talk to me, like it’s important, like it’s crucial that she talks to me. I’m like, Why does Cher wanna talk to me? Nobody will tell me.†It’s not like Giamatti hasn’t made steps to figure out the situation — somebody at his podcast, Chinwag, got in touch with Cher, and she promptly left Giamatti a message, which ultimately led to more confusion: “All she said was, ‘I hear you wanna talk to me.’†Then, when Giamatti called her back, relaying that he heard that she wanted to talk to him, actually, Cher did not respond.
We’re sympathetic to Giamatti’s plight — Cher’s team did not immediately respond to Vulture’s request to comment on this story, either — so we thought we’d just speculate wildly instead. Below, our best theories as to why Cher needs to talk to Giamatti:
• Cher needs someone to explain tarring and feathering.
• Cher wants to know what wine goes with sea bass.
• Cher needs a new manager and believes that Paul Giamatti could be a good contender.
• Cher needs advice on how to live with a younger lover.
• Cher would like to play an ape in a future Planet of the Apes film.
• Cher would like to get connected with Ice Cube.
• Cher is concerned that she unintentionally participated in insider trading.
• Cher would like Paul Giamatti to replace Olympia Dukakis in a potential Moonstruck sequel.