Hoo boy, this episode is Drama. There’s betrayal, sex, catty commentary at the dressmaker’s, and a MASQUE. Anytime there’s a masque, it’s a good time unless you are one of the people inevitably fooled at said masque. Actually, all our main characters have a terrible time at this masque, but all the background people seem like they’re eminently enjoying it, and let’s face it, we’d all be background characters, their servants, or those people begging on the roadside. Unless a Kardashian is reading this, in which case they’d be making the catty dressmaker commentary (I have not watched their show, but that seems like their vibe).
Since this episode is all about drama, we start in a crypt. Camille meets Valmont there, where we learn that Madame de Sevigny has had her head shaved and is being forced into a convent. Valmont is disgusted by Camille’s willingness to destroy anyone to get at the Montrachets, and you know what, yeah! It’s evident we’re not supposed to think Camille is super on the ball lately, but outing Sevigny in the late eighteenth century is so upsetting. It’s particularly so when you have my non-historical headcanon that she and the queen were genuinely In Love, a headcanon that becomes possibly actual canon later in the episode. Ugh, CAMILLE. Get your shit together.
But she will not! She has a masque to attend! Camille goes to Madame Berthe’s, and I feel like I’ve been sleeping on Madame Berthe. She’s funny, she’s nice, and she protects Camille when the gossipy ladies are being nasty towards her. Ten out of ten, Madame Berthe. Five stars for your fictional shop. Camille is there to get her masque apparel, and we learn that this masque is a whole Thing.
Berthe picks out the masks for each person based on their personality (what about that person who has a baby mask! I would be so upset). At the masque itself, first, the women gather and do some chit chat, then they put their masks on, then the men come in, probably from their brandy and cigars, or whatever the French do instead of that. Camille’s mask is a fox (checks out). She asks Berthe what the Montrachets will be, and we learn Jacqueline is a lamb and her husband, whose name I refuse to learn, is a wolf. That Berthe. Oh, extra points to Berthe for saying, regarding Jacqueline’s constant church attendance, “How she has anything left to confess is beyond me.” Good one, Berthe.
Despite the events of last week, Camille and the marquis are not engaged yet. I really thought she had it in the bag, but nope. He is waffling. Camille is barely holding it together, what with the tenuous engagement prospect and her imminent revenge on the line, and now she is being terrible to Victoire. Victoire. My favorite person! If I could hang out in my living room with Victoire and Madame Berthe, wow, the best day. Also, in this fantasy, I am married to Sevigny, and she is no longer incredibly mean (but still good at shooting things because that is a sexy trait to have). Meanwhile, Camille is already best friends with Victoire, and she is ruining it. Victoire is smart, capable, noble, and very good at setting boundaries, so while she loves Camille, she refuses to stand by while Camille goes further and further down the wrong path.
Oh, right, but the engagement. Camille tries to seduce the marquis, Jean, I think? It’s unclear what she’s doing. He doesn’t seem into it, and I definitely am not, but he agrees to take her to the masque at least. In Camille’s mind, her contribution to the marriage is all these letters she can use to bring people (like Sevigny!) down. And by bringing people down, I mean destroying them and the people near them. It’s not a great plan in humanitarian terms.
As for Jacqueline de Montrachet, Valmont is obsessed with her Goodness, which is gross. They do have the whole “we want to bang but WE CANNOT” thing going, which is usually pretty great. The issue is that Valmont’s reason is bad, and Jacqueline is secretly terrible. Before we learn about her, though, we have this moment where Jacqueline visits Valmont’s apartment, and he’s just in a towel. Because sure? She tells him she will be moving to Versailles and won’t see him for some time, so she asks him to go to the masque.
They have this whole breathy exchange that high school me would have been all over. When Jacqueline says she must stay beside her husband, Valmont says, “If you are beside him, where will I stand?” “Behind me, before me, I will always turn to face you.” That would have been my SHIT. But again, bad motives, terrible person, etc etc. Valmont thinks he won’t go to the masque, and he only changes his mind later when Victoire runs to ask him to stop Camille from attacking Jacqueline. Oh, and Jacqueline writes him the extremely incriminating letter Camille wanted, and he throws it in the fire. Valmont!! Stop being driven by your boner for virtue!
Valmont is presently unable to see Jacqueline de Montrachet’s lust for what it is. He’s like, no, you’re too pure, you’re too precious, too unsullied by life’s sinful state when she is literally wearing a red dress (read: wants to bang) and sticking her tongue in his mouth in the middle of an orgy room.
That’s right, there’s an orgy room, and it’s hilarious. Valmont brings Jacqueline somewhere “they can talk” or something, and three seconds into making out, he realizes two separate groups are hardcore banging ten feet away from them. Jacqueline does not care. Valmont tries to get them out of there, but she stops him and makes out with him some more. You guys. There are so many people having sex immediately around them. No one pays them any attention, though, and good for those people. I hope they’re having a nice time. But then Valmont shoves Jacqueline away, saying, “thou shalt not commit adultery.” OMG. She just wants to bang you in the orgy room, Valmont! She wore her red dress and everything! But no, he is sure he knows who she really is, and she is unaware, so he bundles her into a carriage and sends her off.
Oh, there’s also a moment when they’re leaving the orgy room where he grabs a mask, and you’re like, I’ll bet that’s the wrong mask — guess what, you are correct. This pretty immediately comes into play as Camille finds out Man Montrachet will be the surgeon to the king at Versailles, and therefore outside of her power, even as a potential marquise. She is now desperate, and she grabs some scissors and goes in search of him. Victoire tries to stop her, but Camille tells her no servant speaks to her that way and to go home. Noooooooooo!
She finds the man in Montrachet’s mask and holds the scissors to his throat, saying, “I’m the girl you raped and threw in the gutter like I was nothing. I’m not nothing now.” But of course, when she pulls off his mask, it’s Valmont who now knows why Camille hates the Montrachets (or part of the reason). If you somehow haven’t watched the episode yet, be aware that this scene has some rape imagery. Camille tells Valmont the whole story. She was brought in as “an innocent” and raped by Montrachet. When she found herself pregnant and told Jacqueline what her husband did, Jacqueline refused to believe her. Camille had the baby and immediately loved it, but while she slept, they took it. It’s unclear whether the baby died while she was asleep or soon after, but they wouldn’t let Camille bury her. Now that I am writing this, I think they did that thing where they gave the baby to someone else. But it’s the late eighteenth century, so maybe it did die.
They threw her out and did not acknowledge her when she was dying in front of their house. That is why Camille hates the Montrachets, and you know what? I now condone the pig’s blood throwing.
Valmont says he will cut Montrachet’s throat, which, again, continues with the toxic masculinity, Valmont. But what Camille actually wants is to destroy them. Valmont says he will do it. Are we at the setup for OG Dangerous Liaisons? Or near to it? Does it start after the destruction of the Montrachets? I have QUESTIONS.
Before she leaves the party, Camille runs into a masked Marie Antoinette, who I don’t think Camille recognizes, despite the fact she is wearing ermine. The queen basically says she’s heartbroken over losing “a friend” and ugh, Marie/Sevigny 4evs. Camille tells the queen she will love and be loved again, and Marie hugs her. That’s pretty neat. To say you got hugged by Marie Antoinette. Gosh, can you imagine? I wonder if she’d smell nice.
When she returns home, Camille finds a good-bye note from Victoire, who tells her, “don’t look for me, and also, I took all your letters so I can destroy them.” So you think Camille now has no marriage leverage and is done, but then the marquis surprise shows up and tells her she is more than his equal (okay??) and officially proposes.
THIS SHOW.