This episode’s cold open is a model of efficiency. In under two and a half minutes, we see Mary subjected to the following: her sister Sarah’s typically harebrained scheme to trick some store into giving her 22 free items of makeup, the boiler being on the blink and nobody leaping to call the plumber, Erin inquiring about the location of her fountain pen, and Orla’s plaintive wails upon discovering they’re out of chocolate Pop-Tarts. No wonder, then, that even she has her breaking point, yelling that she’s had it allllll the way up to here with “being the one who’s in charge of everything in this house, you useless, useless shites!†I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a succinct dramatization of the weight of invisible domestic labor, much less one performed so crisply in a style best described as “Robert Altman meets the opening number from Beauty and the Beast.â€
Foiled by the blessed boiler in her attempt to take a long, hot soak in the tub, Mary skips work for the day in favor of reading Wuthering Heights on the couch while the rest of the household waits for the plumber to arrive. The poor man, Gabriel, has no idea what havoc his mere presence is about to wreak. In the grand tradition of TV plumbers and electricians, he’s a looker, and the sight of his casually fit, ever-so-slightly-floppy-haired self in jeans and a T-shirt is so discombobulating that even Granda Joe instantly declares him “a fine-looking specimen.â€
Oh, Lord, and he’s super into Emily Brönte’s whole sublimated-desire thing too? And is a single dad trying to raise his daughter right? A true Renaissance man! What’s the catch? His only flaw for now appears to be talking to Erin as if she’s a kindergartner, but that could well be a self-defense maneuver. Honestly, the tactics that crush magnets like Gabriel have to deploy just to get through the day unmolested — it’s nearly a humanitarian crisis, so it is.
On the wains’ side of things, it’s Children in Need Week, and they’re rehearsing a song-and-dance number for the school’s Starz in Their Eyes night in hopes of winning the opportunity to perform it live on the BBC. (A small explanatory note here: Stars in Their Eyes was a popular TV singing competition in which contestants would do their best impressions of famous musical acts. Viewers voted on the performances, and the most successful contestants would perform live on the season finale.) Father Peter, whose hair thing this season is a truly nauseating and desperate low ponytail, will play host in this episode. As he announces the contest and grand prize, Sister Michael’s quietly scathing retorts reveal that Father Peter’s pose of humility is just that. He remains a rather pitiful scrounger of coolness points and time in the spotlight, which he’ll hog up this time as the onstage host of the event. Have some self-respect, man!
Father Peter’s prize announcement does convince the girls to participate, though. Needing a break from Michelle’s distinctly unhelpful choreography coaching — “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Clare, the haka?†— Clare takes a break from Erin’s smoke-filled bedroom to get a bit of fresh air but is drawn up short when she overhears and then sees a bit of a suspicious-seeming conversation between Mary and Gabriel in the front hall. Creeping down the stairs, she can see them standing close enough to be urgently whispering and hears something about how badly Mary wants to do something but feels she can’t. Gabriel tells her nobody needs to know and passes her a piece of paper with a phone number on it, saying it’s a standing offer: “I know how to get what I want.â€
Clare immediately draws the wrongest conclusion possible and races back to Erin’s room to raise the alarm. The timing of this seedy revelation is most unfortunate as it’s threatening the sanctity of her 24-hour vow of silence fundraiser, but she’s too upset and way too crummy at charades to convey anything intelligible, so resorting to speech it is: “The plumber was trying to get off with Erin’s ma! And now I have to give all my sponsorship money back!â€
It’s nearly impossible to believe Mary would conduct an affair right under Gerry’s nose, but the wains’ suspicion is raised then hoisted way, way up in the manner of an overwrought mainsail of emotions when they follow a suspiciously well-dressed Mary to what she’s claimed is a party for a friend. Newly licensed and ultracautious driver James drives so slowly he barely gets them there in time to see Mary and Gabriel clinking their wine glasses in a toast and drawing the blinds shut. Game, set, match: The unbelievable is actually happening, and Erin’s world is rearranging itself around her in real time.
The night of the Starz in their Eyes performance arrives, and I need to know what on Earth Father Peter is wearing. That sequined blazer (along with his ever present and still deeply regrettable low ponytail) is a cruel and unusual master stroke by the show’s costume designer. No doubt they’ll soon be served with a warrant for their arrest on charges of hate crimes against eyeballs everywhere.
Other performers are up before we get to see the wains’ performance, including the intimidating wee Tina Donnelly (performing as Meat Loaf) and the spotlight-hungry duo Jenny & Aisling (performing as Shakespears Sister), who give us the funniest moment of the episode as Aisling’s singing is described in the closed captions as “singing beautifully†while Jenny’s is “out of tune.†That assessment is … generous. Finally, finally! It’s time for the wains’ performance as the musical queens of 1997, the Spice Girls. Orla is Sporty, Erin is Ginger, Michelle is Scary, Clare is Baby, and James is Posh. His performance isn’t as compelling as Tom Holland’s immortal performance of Rihanna’s “Umbrella†on Lip Sync Battle, but that’s an impossibly high bar to clear. To James’s credit, though, he nails Holland’s earnest vibe of taking his performance seriously. I respect it!
Everything is going swimmingly in their performance of “Who Do You Think You Are?†— the girls’ costumes are perfect, they’re nailing their choreo, and nobody’s hit a bum note yet — but midway through, Erin spots Gabriel sitting in the audience with her family, giggling with Mary. Unable to tolerate this clear public evidence of her mother’s infidelity, Erin runs off-stage. Her friends follow to comfort her, as does the entire Quinn family entourage including Gabriel.
Attempts to mollify Erin fall entirely flat until she loudly accuses Mary and Gabriel of the affair she’s convinced they’re carrying on. This is the teen version of a small child who’s had a perfectly lovely afternoon at aftercare falling to infuriating, sad little pieces when their grown-up picks them up to go home. Erin can’t contain her sadness and fury any longer, either, and in typical Erin fashion, she hits fifth gear right away, accusing Gabriel of being “just a pervert with a jazzy-jumpered ma fetish.†A lavish chef’s kiss to this triumph of incandescent, hyperbolic rage. For the record, Mary’s jazzy jumper for the evening features a full English-breakfast theme.
Obviously, Mary and Gabriel are not having an affair; instead, Gabriel is encouraging her to take her literary nerdery to the next level. The house where they were drinking wine and closing the sitting-room curtains belonged to a literature instructor at the local university, who was hosting a get-together for prospective students. It’s clear from how enthusiastic but self-doubting Mary is that this is a long-cherished hope swathed in impostor syndrome. She scarcely dares to say out loud that she has an ambition like this. Relieved and helplessly touched, Gerry just manages not to cry as he says, “There’s nothing you can’t do, love. Nothing.â€
Erin is so self-centered that she immediately spoils the moment by shouting that she wants to be the first person in the family to attend university and that Mary is stealing her thunder with these higher-education notions. I know this is developmentally appropriate behavior, and I know the show isn’t on Erin’s side at all on this matter, but I would like to note once more what an absolute dickhead she’s being at this moment. Naturally, the angel-voiced Aisling and (incapable of carrying a tune in a rusty bucket) Jenny win the competition and perform live on the BBC.
Dennis’s Best Pick-and-Mix
• Michelle nearly barfing upon seeing Father Peter’s desperate little low ponytail (ew, same).
• Sarah’s condescending tone when explaining to Michelle that the chicken she’s declining to eat on the grounds that it’s frozen is actually al dente.
• There should never, ever be a gritty reboot of Derry Girls, but if there were, I’d want to see an episode about how anyone in small, insular Derry could manage to maintain an illicit relationship (or, indeed, just about any secret) for more than five minutes.