I have to give it to my girl Grace despite her #tradwife tendencies: beautiful (Reformation) gowns, melodious voice. The way she speaks is like her words are being filtered through Ambien. I thought Aki was no thoughts, just vibes, but Grace is coming for that crown (especially now that her side piece has been revealed). But I’m getting ahead of myself.
The meat and potatoes of this week’s episode is the Guggenheim gala featuring Grace’s right-wing mom and a slew of other shenanigans. We saw the claws come out at the debutante ball, but this scenario feels much more faithful to the original text. Exclusive adult event, meddling kids. This is why we watch! Obie enlists Julien to ensure the night goes smoothly and ensures his standing with Mommy McConnell in the process. Max, Audrey, and Aki combine forces to coax Max’s Semester at Sea (I LOL’d at this reference) friends into partaking instead of politicking. Monet plays 3-D chess while Tiff Meyers plays checkers — and shows us her sensitive side. And Little Miss Social Justice Warrior Z is out to prove that her dad is playing her — only to realize she just played herself. Better get used to that blood money!
But, of course, Obie’s evening doesn’t go according to plan. Julien comes to her senses and tells Obie that she can’t serve as damage control, especially when she’s only helping because of her hidden agenda of getting in good with Grace for the sake of him. Monet’s meeting with a potential paramour goes south when her Exeter equivalent Tiff reveals she only plays up her queerness for the clout. And it seems as though even Monet has morals! She decides to out the het, and once Gossip Girl presses post, an all-out catfight ensues. Julien and Monet pushing Tiff back and forth between them like a ragdoll was a fever dream. Between this and the deb brawl, when are they starting the Constance Billard chapter of Fight Club? I do wonder, though, does this mean Julien and Monet’s battle is over? At least “besting†will be put to rest, but a reign of terror? More like a reign of temporary. Are the de Haan demerits already devoid of meaning? I don’t need this show to spoon-feed me lessons on friendship. I need it to turn The Art of War into a teenage translation. Please pick a plotline and stick to it! I am begging you.
The physical fight leaves Mommy Melania speechless and seething at Obie. I find it unrealistic that a politician would stay at an event until the bitter end, but I’ll let it slide. Also, if George Bush could weather the storm that was his daughters’ underage-drinking arrest, I am sure this southern Senator can deal with a little debauchery. Her own daughter is the one with the dark side! And yet, denial is a helluva drug. She hands Obie an ultimatum: In order to date her daughter, he needs to leave his friends, namely Julien, behind. Little does Obie know that his lover isn’t loyal. I also know we can’t blame people for their parents, but Obie’s turnaround on politics is perplexing. He snaps at Aki for inquiring about Grace’s mom’s conservative stances and waltzes by protestors gathered outside the Guggenheim. Like, yes, Aki’s dad is a media mogul on the same level as Murdoch, but I do think there’s something different about Grace’s mom espousing alt-right rhetoric on the campaign trail. Obie really is a little lost boy, and losing Grace to her discreet dalliance could break him.
Not-so-saintly Nick accepts Greyson de Haan’s (doubled) offer, much to his daughter’s dismay, and I have a feeling it’s only a matter of time before Shan spills the beans. While on FaceTime with Zoya, Shan overhears Nick on the phone with Davis discussing the logistics of a payment plan in order for Nick to buy his house back. This won’t end well for either Shan and Zoya’s friendship or Zoya and Nick’s relationship. But part of me wonders if Shan will stay mum. Her first attempt at exposing Nick didn’t pan out as planned. Perhaps we can all learn a lesson from Meemaw: “Never get involved in other people’s relationships … If it goes badly, you could lose a friend.â€
This episode did end with a cute reunion between the besties (minus Obie, obviously), which I appreciated. Max’s cosplay of Chuck Bass was at its finest, but I am begging him to put some respect on Lucas Hedges of Brooklyn Heights’ name! Calling fellow Medill Cherub a “pale-faced ging†is not the way to get back to the top. In fact, I reckon Lucas Hedges is Resy royalty. So think about that the next time you go around vilifying the only reservation app that matters! I loved Luna’s assessment of Max’s sinking stock, informing him that his cachet is directly correlated to the number of people who want to fuck him, which, if he’s taken, automatically decreases. I still wish Luna had more to do, though. Operation “throw Luna more lines†is now underway.
Speaking of friends, or frenemies, or enemies-to-lovers: Mike and Kate. Mike’s a good little actor. He convinces Kate he’s not a narc, not a bad guy, and even heads down to the holding cell with her to collect her drunken dad. But flash forward to the end of the episode and Mike’s got a mission of his own: expose Gossip Girl. He texts this unknown German number that he’s getting closer. This, paired with what I like to call Chekhov’s account, means the act is almost up. As someone who moonlights as a social-media manager, I can tell you that Kate tapping between two Instagram accounts won’t end well. A mistake will be made, and it’s only a matter of when.
Kate’s dad’s plotline was pointless. I’m sure introducing him was an attempt to humanize Kate, but I just felt like it was a waste of space. Is he ever coming back? I don’t care about this teacher’s trauma! I care about the teens! At least Max’s parents were absent for this episode. Gideon is growing on me, but this isn’t Gideon Girl. It’s Gossip Girl, so let’s focus on the gossip!
XOXO
• Spotted: Aki’s Girls on Top tee. Yes, my himbo king is a feminist, yes he is!
• Aki saying maybe Obie’s future mother-in-law is actually worse than Mr. Menzies: “Charlotte Byron makes the tea party look like … well, a tea party.â€
• Monet dressing down Grace in the dressing room — and zero lies were detected: “I just spent the whole day pretending you don’t have the taste of a 25-year-old mom from Tenafly.â€