The past three episodes have tested the limits of Julien Calloway as this show’s main focus, with rather frustrating results. There were sexual-assault allegations, drunk Santas, a disappearing dad, an angry mob of 12-year-olds, and not a single ounce of fun. Likewise, this season’s penultimate episode is genuinely refreshing as Julien’s drama takes a backseat to everyone else’s smaller yet more interesting problems, which, of course, still include Aki and Audrey wondering why they hate each other’s private parts.
For starters, we get an unexpected subplot that feels like it should’ve been placed earlier in the season — but I’ll take anything that’s not related to creepy fathers at this point — with the arrival of Obie’s older sister, Heidi. Heidi is basically a 20-year-old Shiv Roy (yes, every rich family member on this show reads like a Walmart-brand Succession character to me) down to the red hair and the permanent smirk. While Obie is drowning in his white nepotism guilt, Heidi is closing acquisitions and traveling on their family’s company jet like a true #girlboss. She’s also engaged to a man named Klaus, which shouldn’t really mean anything to us seeing as though we just met this chick, and he’s pretty boring. But Max, who lost his virginity to Heidi, is particularly bothered by this and is acting like he owns her despite the fact that he’s been swinging his dick all around New York City since the start of the season.
Speaking of dick-swinging, Aki and Audrey spend most of this episode holding threesome auditions and trying to solve this problem in their relationship that seems to go away every other episode and reappear like herpes. Few portrayals of teen sex in our current sex-positive era truly shock me, but my God, do these children get it in in a way that frankly just looks exhausting and very unsexy. I don’t understand why they can’t just jerk off next to each other and call it a day!
As much as I’ve enjoyed watching Aki and Audrey’s version of Marriage Story, I’m not sure where else the show can go with this plot, especially after a virtual counseling session with a BetterHelp consultant, which feels like the dead end of all dead ends storytelling-wise. I can’t keep listening to Audrey recite metaphors about whatever’s missing in her relationship without inching toward some level of awareness, just like we can’t keep watching Max’s dads announce that their marriage is over in every episode. And I can’t keep watching Aki shrug away all of his problems. Maybe if one of them was even slightly toxic or manipulative or had an attachment disorder, this intense codependency thing would feel a lot more compelling. But they’re literally just best friends who don’t want to fuck, and I need one of them to acknowledge that that’s fine in season two! By the end of the episode, they acknowledge that Max is the missing piece to their love puzzle. But is he though??
Meanwhile, Zoya is on academic probation awaiting her dismissal after she lost her scholarship for lying about Jeremey O. Harris, which is the most embarrassing way to lose a scholarship. It turns out that Zoya is way less annoying when she’s not talking shit about Julien to Obie or talking shit to Julien’s face over Obie. It doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s become a riveting character whose fate I suddenly care about. In fact, during most of her screen time, I found myself more focused on the character of Shan, a Black girl who appears out of nowhere — like with Heidi, she feels like someone we should’ve met earlier — and inspires Zoya to embrace her bad side, as if Zoya’s been an angel throughout the season.
On a show where there’s practically no dark-skinned representation amongst the Black cast members, I became hypervigilant every time Shan appeared onscreen, serving as foil for Zoya’s “innocence†and suddenly becoming her mouthpiece when she needs to tell her dad that she’s scared of disappointing him. I’ll obviously have to wait to see if Shan sticks around and is given slightly more interiority. But given the show’s record with character development and just how things look, I’m not holding my breath.
I should say that Julien doesn’t take a total backseat this episode. She’s still dealing with the aftermath of her father’s disappearance, which doesn’t seem to bother her one bit emotionally. But a surprise visit by her paternal grandmother threatens to really shake up her world when she tells Julien that she’s taking her out of New York and back to New Hampshire to live with her. She’s definitely right that Julien, a child, shouldn’t live on her own, but she also seems to think New York is some evil place that made her son the way he is, which is the most old, white lady thing to say. She also doesn’t think Nick is worthy of taking care of Julien because she met him during the middle of an argument with Zoya despite the fact that he lives in a big apartment and has a nice job. Basically, grandma’s entire energy this episode is “scared white lady who makes sure her car is locked five times when she goes downtown.â€
Unfortunately, I have to remind you of these teachers and the world’s most boring battle over Instagram logins. I’m not exactly sure how to make typing things into an iPhone or trying to obtain passwords from elderly women compelling, but the use of technology on this show is painfully dull. Likewise, Keller and Jordan continue their very phony and morally righteous mission of getting Gossip Girl out of the hands of the bad teachers and putting it back in the hands of the good teachers who only want to humiliate children with the goal of “affecting change.†The last person with access to the account, after they snitched on everyone else for other offenses, ends up being an older teacher named Sharon, who goes on an evil drunken rant where she promises to expose all the tips she’s received. That made me snort, as if someone with a full head of gray hair would be this invested in this project.
At a school Christmas fundraiser at the end of the episode where everyone meets, they end up stealing the phone from her by putting all their phones in her purse, telling security she stole from them and knocking them all on the ground. Riveting! Keller convinces her to relinquish power with the most confounding, mind-numbing speech that contradicts everything we’ve seen her so far regarding Gossip Girl, including what she does later on the episode.
Also, at the party, Julien confronts Audrey for practically neglecting her after the Davis scandal died down. I understand Audrey needing some space from Julien and being exhausted by the arbitrary bullshit she deals with on a daily basis that takes over their lives. Julien also didn’t seem to bat an eye when Audrey mentioned her mother’s bankruptcy and possibility of leaving Constance Billard earlier in the season, so I understand why she feels like the friendship is unreciprocated. However, Julien doesn’t necessarily invite this drama into her life, so I feel like Audrey could at least acknowledge that. Regardless, these two haven’t been giving me the bestie chemistry that I need all season, so hopefully this argument is a step toward the show portraying a firmer friendship between the two.
In another corner of this party, Obie destroys his sister’s seemingly innocuous relationship after Max suggests that Klaus is using Heidi as a merger opportunity between the Bergmanns and his flop hotel business. He shoves a phone in their faces with a bunch of charts as evidence instead of pulling his sister to the side like someone with a brain and a conscience. It turns out what Obie has revealed is more damning for Heidi, as she’s been actively pursuing a merger while Klaus wants to keep business out of their relationship, which is a silly thing to say for a pair of billionaires. Beyonce and Jay-Z have a strong relationship because they really love each other, but also because they keep getting richer together!
Anyway, this obviously puts a rift in Heidi and Obie’s relationship, which is so heartbreaking to him that we get one of those late-night jogging scenes where he’s reflecting on the damage he’s caused. Max still tries to flirt with Heidi to no avail. While this whole Max-Heidi thing seems pretty random, their coupling seems believable at least. So I’m hoping Heidi stays around for season two and Max can at least have someone to focus on other than his parents who, if you didn’t know, are getting a divorce.
This episode ends with Julien’s grandmother ultimately agreeing to let her stay with Zoya and Nick after being reintroduced to them properly. And the teachers decide they’re going to replicate act three of Mean Girls by publishing a Google Doc with every tip they’ve ever received along with who sent them to “see what they do when they face what they’ve done,†as if they haven’t been the ones facilitating this extremely toxic platform/school environment this entire time! Truly, the only right way for this season to end at this point is for all of the teachers to get struck by a bus, Regina George style.