I’m sold on any episode that starts with a time lapse, and this episode of Gossip Girl has signified that the tides are turning. Gossip Girl is officially hitting its stride.
The cardinal sin of the original series was revealing that Gossip Girl was Lonely Boy himself. In Gossip Girl 1.0, the person behind posting wasn’t as important, and by deeming it Dan, the series lost a little magic. And not to hold grudges, but I’d be remiss not to mention that Dan was a wholly inappropriate and illogical choice that’s been debunked by diehards, yet I digress. However, the wild goose chase behind unmasking next-Gen GG is growing on me. The only issue I foresee is what happens when the gossip cops close in on Kate & Co. Mike seemingly doesn’t care about learning their identities; he just wants his blackmailer off his back, but I could see him flipping to save his own ass. I can’t help but wonder … How long can they keep the gig going?
Guessing that the blackmailer is a Bergmann is low-hanging fruit, but my brain is only at half-mast while watching this show, so that’s who I’m betting on. The number is German, the Bergmanns have real secrets at stake, and it’s clear that Obie’s mom is scheming somehow. Our favorite poor little rich boy tries to find common ground with his family after learning from his sister that his mother has been stateside without telling him. His plan? Bail on a boys’ trip to Aspen and hail a helicopter to the Hamptons, where Helena has been camping out. Aki and Max can’t let their straight bestie take on his family by himself, so they tag along without telling their girlfriend Audrey, who is feeling more and more like “Cuckmille de Haan†on the outside looking in. I find it insane to believe that neither of them would send Audrey a head’s up that their spring break plans had taken a turn. It literally takes two seconds to send a text, but maybe these two are part of the Luddite Club on the low.
As stated previously, I am a huge fan of Audrey, Aki, and Max, and I don’t mean their triad, but their tricks. The three musketeers are always up to something, and I hope this dynamic stays strong throughout this season. Audrey’s jealousy and paranoia feel very real, and I love how she accosts Graham and demands he drive her straight to the Hamptons. And, of course, he does because he’s a loser. Passenger princess goals. I am also obsessed with her frantic texts to Aki, just as I’m obsessed with Obie sitting uncomfortably in the sauna with Aki and Max. Deranged and relatable!
I’ll just say it: I’m bored by Julien and Graham, and I still think he’s using her for her dad. Did anyone clock him confused by the fact that Julien went no-contact with Davis? Looks like this nepo baby won’t be helping you network. He is the epitome of “What, no hug?†and his overall energy is deeply desperate. For Julien, Graham represents the exciting and unknown. He’s older, he’s married, and he’s off limits. For Graham, this behavior is purely pathetic. Get a job! Stay away from her!
While the Pussy Posse heads to the Hamptons, Zoya and Shan train down to Philly for some fun. Watching them sip “Shanbucha†from a flask — a concoction that consists of one inch from every liquor bottle in the house — is fun in a way that feels familiar. This show shouldn’t strive to be relatable, it’s Gossip Girl, but I loved this nod to normal teen antics. At the rave, Shan, of course, has to put on a performance to get into the show: She fakes an aces British accent when linking up with a friend and refers to Zoya as “Monet.†Little Z has no choice but to roll with it. Shan and her friend quickly abandon Z and the friend’s little brother — whose name I don’t remember — and the two younger sibs have to kick it solo. One thing leads to another and … I think Zoya just lost her virginity????? (At least, I don’t remember her and Obie having sex … correct me if I’m wrong!) The morning after, her hookup is cold and distant. At first, I think it’s because he found out Zoya isn’t who she says she is, but when she searches for Plan B, I realize it’s simply stereotypical fuckboy behavior! He hit it and quit it, as they say. Zoya goes back home, and Nick welcomes her in with open arms, obviously.
I feel Gossip Girl won’t pick up on Z using Plan B for a beat, considering they’ve just been found out. And despite his superiority complex, Mike Schubin is a bigger idiot than ever imagined. Who links their personal iMessage to a work laptop? And hands over their banking info to an anonymous donor? Operation Scam Schubin seems like a piece of cake. He finally spills his secret to Kate: That he’s being blackmailed by an unknown person into unveiling Gossip Girl. Idiot Jordan takes matters into his own hands and pays Mike’s mama a visit, and it looks like Mike grew up rich! Little does Jordan know Mike’s parents are in on their son’s saga and alert him immediately that a suspect has descended upon their stoop. Mike wants to rush home and catch the culprit red-handed, but Kate sloppily delays his efforts, making her appear to be more of a suspect. She girl bosses her way out of Mike’s first accusation but can’t escape his inklings the next morning when he catches her and Jordan huddled in her apartment. Jordan plays the White Knight — not sure if he’s acting since I wouldn’t be surprised if he were secretly in love with Kate — and Mike fesses him up to whoever is extorting him.
The only question I have after watching this episode is: Where the fuck is Luna La?!
XOXO
• Harris’s hot take: “Bisexuality just got a good publicist during the pandemic. Who do you think came up with bisexual lighting?â€
• Jordan trying out his hand at copywriting: “Spotted: Kids leaving schools all over the city. Wonder what they/they’ll get up to, I wonder.â€
• Obie acknowledging the elephant in the room sauna: “The three kings … the three musketeers.â€