Welcome back, Upper East Siders. We’re heading home from Hudson and ringing in the new year with a war of mutual destruction. Or did you forget?
To recap, literally, Aki, Audrey, and Max are now a triad (not a throuple), Monet has emerged as a bona fide Blair Waldorf 2.0 after being fed up with Julien’s gentle reign and has her sights set on the top spot, Zoya’s social-justice antics are in full force and is annoyed as ever with her dad, Nick (and who could blame her?), and Kate Keller is as thirsty as ever to dig up dirt on Camille de Haan (be serious!) and use the powers of Gossip Girl “for good,†whatever that means.
Where did we leave things? Ten points to anyone who could remember without rewatching the finale. For the rest of you, I am so sorry I have to remind you of these two words: Julien’s voice-over. We left last season with Julien sending a yassified, #girlbossed DM to Gossip Girl, who is now being manned by Kate & Co. after she, Wendy, and Jordan seized the username from that old-lady teacher Sharon. Juju’s message still haunts me. Let’s play it back.
Greetings, Gossip Girl. You may have abandoned us, but I can’t forget you. And I don’t want to. You were the worst thing that ever happened to me, but you also changed me. And you can’t leave yet. You’re not done. A tip, though, from one influencer to another, you were too nice. You cared too much. That’s not how this is supposed to go. If you really want to get us, you have to make us worry. You have to make us squirm. You started with me, so it only makes sense that you restart with me. I’m going to send you everything you never knew about everyone I know. But there’s a catch. Not all of it will be true, and you’re not going to know the difference. No more kindness. It’s time for chaos. That’s the only way you change the world. You take the gloves off. This deal has one condition. While you go hard till there’s nothing left, I make it my mission to stop you before you ruin us all. Mutually assured destruction, from one bitch to another. You know I hate you, but I know you love me. XOXO. You have till midnight.
Kate agrees but has a condition of her own: Julien’s gotta send dirt on Camille de Haan, Monet’s mommy.
I’m relieved they killed Julien and Gossip Girl’s “alliance†at the end of this episode. It didn’t make sense. Julien girl-bossed too close to the sun. Why would audiences care about stale stories? Look what mass submissions did to DeuxMoi. Utter downfall. Maybe I’m missing something, but it doesn’t seem like she’s actively trying to take down GG in this episode. She’s not making good on her threat to mutually destroy. She’s thinking about her M.B.A.! And fighting for shower time with her sister! Now the show can focus on a prep-school power struggle, as the good Cecily von Ziegesar intended.
We meet a “new†teacher, Mike Schuben, Russian classics, or an old one returning from sabbatical despite looking 30. He kicks Miss Kate out of her classroom and into the basement and seems to be buddy-buddy with the CDHs of the school. He’s showered with holiday gifts from parents and nabs a coveted invite to the debutante ball, which sends Kate straight into a spiral. She’s then forced to grovel to Nick and beg him to take her as a plus-one under the guise of her being Julien’s college counselor, which makes no sense, but sure. Nick is pulling some tricks of his own, keeping Davis’s money a secret from his daughter and Julien and instead crediting a nonexistent promotion as the reason they can stay in their place. Kate clearly has some moral bones to pick with this, but just remember that this is a grown woman running a gossip account for teenagers, so I’d say her North Star is a little skewed.
Back to the ball: The drama of the debutante is teased out throughout the entire episode. Monet has a scheme up her sleeve, and Julien seems to be remotely aware that something is up. Monet finagles a spot for Julien on the deb list, and even though Julien has to borrow Zoya’s dad to be presented, she eventually caves and agrees. Meanwhile, Zoya continues marching to the beat of her TikTok-pilled drum and invites a debutante’s girlfriend to escort her, heteronormativity be damned! This steals the spotlight from Monet and her moment. She, too, was planning on swapping out her male escort for a female, but it looks like someone beat her to the punch. I have questions about that blue dress she dons. I know she is trying to make a statement, but is that statement supposed to be wearing something hideous? She also surprise-invites Julien’s disgraced dad, which Camille is pissed about. Inviting a man accused of sexual assault to a high-society gala? Mama is not happy with Monet. In fact, Monet’s mom dresses her down in such a Dynasty-esque way I can’t help but be tickled. Dare I say Gossip Girl is getting bonkers and bitchy again? Even soapier, Kate and Mike are hiding out in the suite and witness the epic mother-daughter throwdown, which harks back to one Eleanor and Blair.
For Monet, this Mommie Dearest moment means mass destruction. After Julien pays her grounded ass a visit, Monet alerts her to the fact that she’s waging war, whether Julien wants to engage or not. Finally! Some ruthless queen-bee antics! Some sabotage and scandal! Maybe some SAT score switching? We’ve waited a whole season for this, and now it’s finally here.
Side note: Call me old-fashioned, but I’m surprised by the new generation’s blasé attitudes toward higher education. I know it’s a new era, but prep-school kids will never waver on the Ivy League. Obviously Julien wants to go to college. Monet’s reaction to Julien’s college dreams is nothing short of shocking. Even free-spirited Serena was supposed to go to Brown!
It’s time for an AMA about MAA, or Max, Audrey, and Aki (sorry). Audrey and Aki want to keep Max their dirty little secret after all but harassing him to join their triad. Let this poor boy be free! At their failed “coming out†dinner date, they’re spotted by a classmate, and Audrey quickly squashes the celebration. Also, LOL at Aki saying he’s getting Deadline alerts about Sundance. One thing about me: I’m an Aki and Evan Mock apologist. This kid can do no wrong. Max challenges his partners to come out during the debutante ball, which would have been quite chaotic given the two other coming-outs and eventual fistfight amongst the debs, but I give him props for trying. Instead, Audrey and Aki confess that they’re simply not ready for the spotlight and concoct a plan to get Gossip Girl off their back by Max keeping up his playboy ways.
I didn’t even notice Obie was absent from this episode until watching it a second time, which says everything you need to know about his character arc. Nate Archibald, he is not. I pray, beg, plead, implore that Luna La gets some real shit to do this season. Replace Obie with her! Monet gets the Blair Waldorf story line, as she should, but what about Luna? Her line readings and delivery consistently hit, her exchanges with Max are tender and unexpected, and her aura is wistful, nostalgic, and wise; I want to see more of it, and her, especially in the aftermath of Monet’s rise to the top. Luna isn’t one of Monet’s minions. She’s not enforcing the dress code, scanning tickets for bathroom admission, or hawking headbands to her henchmen. Yes, the season face-off stars Julien and Monet, but I hope Luna uses this crisis to her advantage.
XOXO
• And the Emmy goes to Zión Moreno’s line reading, “If she’s not online then … what … is she doing?â€
• “This account is more dated than Diet Prada,†says Audrey weighing in on Gossip Girl’s pivot to old news
• Spotted: Shan’s Thom Browne Hector doggy bag. I knew this bitch was rich!