House of the Dragon Scorecard: Double Trouble

The House of the Dragon Scorecard is an accounting of the events of this week’s episode in which points are awarded to characters and dragons on a scale of 0 to 10. Points will be awarded for any or no reason.

We are now two episodes and two failed assassination attempts into the second season of House of the Dragon. “Failed� might be understating it a bit. These were two of the most bungled murder plots you’ll ever see. The first one involved hiring a ratcatcher who couldn’t find his target and beheaded a toddler instead. This one involves impulsive idiots sending a twin on a suicide mission where he poses as his brother. Criston basically tries to kill Rhaenyra using the plot from The Parent Trap. If this last sentence sounds like a terrible idea, it’s because it is. RIP to the Cargylls.

Elsewhere in the realm: Rhaenyra confronts Daemon, and he pouts about it and flies away on his dragon; Aegon hangs the ratcatchers and fires his grandpa; and Alicent takes to her bathtub in depression. Yes, again. War is approaching rapidly and everyone is falling apart. At least the dog got justice.

Let’s get into it.

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Rhaenyra Targaryen – 6  points

ON ONE HAND: Everyone is running around accusing her of having assassins decapitate a child on purpose, which is absolutely one of the worst things you can be accused of, especially when it was your idiot husband’s fault and you had nothing to do with it.

ON THE OTHER HAND: She looks Daemon in the eye and calls him pathetic and says a lot of other true things that she probably could and/or should have said a while ago, which must have felt pretty cathartic even if it hurt to admit.

ON ANOTHER, THIRD HAND: She barely survives an assassination attempt in her own bedroom and loses one of her most trusted warriors in the process, which must have been unsettling on a number of levels.

You could say this about most characters on this show, but I really feel like Rhaenyra could use a week at an all-inclusive resort in Aruba.

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Alicent Hightower – 4 points

Alicent is taking a lot of baths this season. Not good baths, though. These are not relaxing little soaks. These are the kinds of baths where you try to scrub years of shame away along with a few layers of skin on your upper arm.

The kinds of baths where you submerge your whole head under the water in a way that implies you might ask a maester if there’s a way you can just go live in peace under the sea.

The kinds of baths you take after your grandson gets murdered and you blame yourself because the head of the security detail was giving you a thorough bonking in your bedroom when he was supposed to be working.

The kinds of baths you take when you have to ride through the whole city with the dead child and his mother on a rickety wagon in the name of public relations.

The kinds of baths you take when your snotty tyrant son hangs a bunch of innocent men in the streets and conspires with your bozo boyfriend to try to murder your former best friend.

The kinds of baths you take when you can’t stop sleeping with the bozo because, even though you know it’s a bad idea and he sucks, he makes you feel a teeny bit good for 45 seconds of your awful day.

You know. Those kinds of baths.

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Daemon Targaryen – 0  points

RHAENYRA: You are an idiot.

DAEMON: I am not!

RHAENYRA: I see why your brother never trusted you.

DAEMON: I was the strongest boy!

RHAENYRA: Everyone thinks you are a loser.

DAEMON: [Pouting, storming out] I’m going to ride my dragon to … to … Harrenhal!

RHAENYRA: [Sighs] Fine.

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Aegon Targaryen – 0 points

Look, it’s not the biggest problem this little demon has on his hands (those would be in no particular order: grief over a dead son, an impending war he has no clue how to fight let alone win, loss of public support due to rash and stupid executions, a wife who hates him and a group of advisers who see him as a malleable chump, etc.), but now that he’s killed every experienced ratcatcher in the city, he’s going to have rodents everywhere.

And it’s not going to be easy to hire new ones, either. Not after he had the last ones hanged in the streets. Again, not his biggest problem. But there are a lot of rats, man.

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Criston Cole – 3  points

GOOD NEWS: He’s the new Hand!

BAD NEWS: Uhhhhh, I believe we have mentioned the whole “left his guard to hook up with Alicent and a child was murdered while he was away and so he tried to make up for it by initiating a Parent Trap assassination ruse with Arryk posing as Erryk that failed and is going to make things much, much worse� business, yes? Because I can go on if you want.

Between Daemon going behind Rhaenyra’s back with his failed plan and Criston going behind Alicent’s back with this failed plan, I’m starting to think Rhaenyra and Alicent should dump their partners and just take that Aruba trip together.

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Erryk and Arryk Cargyll – 3 points each

Last week in this Scorecard, I said the following: “It is my strong suspicion that we are headed toward a sword fight between the two of them where I will have no clue which one is which, just a flurry of clanging steel and people shouting names that both sound like Eric until one of them kills the other and makes my life much easier going forward.�

I said one of them! One! Come on!

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Larys Strong – 7 points

Two important things this week:

(1) Larys walks into the dungeon cell and the assassin immediately fingers Daemon for the whole dumb plot in the hopes of not getting tortured before his execution, which doesn’t work out because …

(2) Larys then curries favor with Aegon by letting the wee king womp on the man who killed Jaehaerys.

He’s a weasel, yes. But he gets results.

Otto Hightower – 1 point

Otto uses his great-grandson’s death to whip up support for the idiot grandson he made king (cynical, devious) and then gets fired by the idiot grandson a few days later for pointing out that hanging innocent pest-control specialists as a message to the public does more harm than good (rational, correct). This is a Classic Otto situation.

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Aemond Targaryen – 3 points

Aemond pops up briefly in this episode, naked and sad and being swaddled like a lost pet by Sylvi, the owner of the local brothel he frequents. It’s a good reminder that a lot of the despicable people in the world are really just very broken inside and acting out to cover up their insecurities.

I still do not like him.

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Sylvi – 8 points

Sylvi seems like a cool lady.

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Alyn – 9 points

Alyn might be the smartest man on this show. He gets home and his brother tries to press him about working for the Sea Snake and striking it rich, and Alyn is just like, “LOL, no, those people are all crazy.�

Alyn just wants peace and quiet. And stew. Peace and quiet and stew. What more could anyone want, really?

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Helaena Targaryen – 7 points

If I were Halaena, and I were becoming increasingly miserable with my loveless royal marriage and its various obligations, I sure might keep “Caught the king’s mother riding the head of security like a devastatingly handsome steed on the night my son was murdered� tucked away in my pocket for a bit.

It’s what Mysaria would do. Hey, speaking of Mysaria …

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Mysaria – 9 points

You saw it, right? The curious little look that flashes across Mysaria’s face when she sees one Cargyll twin get off a boat when the other is clearly on dry land back by the castle? What do we think is happening there? Did she try to tip someone off? Did she, a woman who is very good at exchanging information for favors, see an opening after Rhaenyra released and subsequently banished her? If she did tip someone off about the situation, why did it still get so close to happening? Or was she just noticing something odd and filing it away in case it could be investigated and used at a later date? What is she up to here???

I would watch a show where Mysaria solves a new murder each week. She fascinates me.

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Hugh the Scorpion Maker – 6 points

Hugh has a sick child and a wife who is fed up with the price of food. Hugh still has not been paid for the scorpions he’s building, despite Aegon’s promise in the previous episode. Aegon is now very distracted and crying about it and has almost certainly forgotten about Hugh and the craftsmen Hugh assured would be paid soon.

Hugh is absolutely going to Do Something in the next few episodes. It will not work out great for him, I suspect, if only because this is a prequel and the original series was not littered with people regaling each other with tales of Hugh the Magnificent.

I am worried about Hugh. He’s doing the best he can.

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Rhaenys Targaryen – 7 points

Rhaenys delivers another withering putdown to a man who steps over the line and then she snuggles in bed with the Sea Snake. Not a meaty episode for her, but still efficient. She and Corlys seem to have the healthiest romantic relationship on the show. That’s not exactly a mountain to climb given the chaos around them, but it’s still nice.

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Corlys Velaryon – 6 points

See above.

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Jacaerys Velaryon – 8 points

He’s a sweet boy.

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Baela Targaryen – 9 points

There are three things I know for sure about Baela after this episode …

(1) She hates her dad a little bit, which is cool because I hate her dad a little bit, too.

(2) She rides a dragon named Moondancer, which we already knew but is still cool.

(3) She can shoot the hell out of a crossbow, which is extremely cool.

We cannot let anything bad happen to her.

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Various Ratcatcher Assassins – 0 points

Did you ever have a teacher in school who withheld recess from the whole class because one kid did something bad and no one confessed or told the teacher who did it? That really sucked.

But it does not suck as much as YOU AND ALL YOUR CO-WORKERS GETTING MURDERED BY ORDER OF THE KING BECAUSE AN IDIOT WHO KICKS HIS DOG BEHEADED THE PRINCE.

Tough week for the ratcatchers.

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The Ratcatcher’s Dog – 10 points

There’s a moment in this episode when the camera lingers on the dog’s face as it looks up at the lifeless body of its former owner swinging from a noose, and all I wanted in the whole world was for the dog to bark and for a subtitle to pop up below his face that just said, “Good.�

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