The big day for the pod squad is officially here! We’re starting the finale at zero for one, thanks to Raven and SK, and I have a feeling that they’re only the first of many no-gos. I admit I doubted Raven in the early episodes. I criticized her for working out while Bartise poured his heart out, and I want to take a moment to formally retract that judgment. Imagine letting Bartise waste your time! She was a visionary, ahead of her time. And she has an amazing TikTok. Anyway, enough chitchat. It’s time for me to speak or forever hold my peace:
Bartise is a cowardly rat.
Don’t get me wrong: This is the greatest thing that could have happened to Nancy. Talk about dodging a bullet with a dangly earring! But still, Bartise is such a loser himbo, and I will never forgive him for embarrassing Nancy like that. And then he has the gall to ask Nancy if she wants to talk about it at the altar? Why would she ever want to do that, Bartise? The only thing she likely wants to do is leave and cry! Which is what she does before Bartise comes chasing after her at the urging of his mom.
I will never forgive him for speaking to Nancy’s mom like that, either! The disrespect! The condescension! Was Nancy’s family out of line? No comment! But the way he tells Erendira to get lost because he’s having a conversation with his fiancée … Bruh! The fact that you think you’re still engaged is so laughable. How dumb can a person be? You just rejected and publicly humiliated her, on television no less, and you think there’s still some sort of future? Be fuckin’ for real!
For those who say, Well, Nancy was annoyed with her mom, too: Obviously, she was annoyed! But it’s her mom! She can handle it. Bartise needs to butt out. And when he starts up his wannabe law school debate with Erendira? Please, shut up. Why are you arguing with a mother after hurting her daughter? And then, to make matters worse, pathetic Penny pops out of nowhere to protect her baby-ass son. Let Bartise fight his own battles! Despite acting like a toddler, he is indeed a grown man! And then he has the audacity to tell Nancy’s brother Steven that he, Steven, is the one messing this whole thing up! I have to laugh. I wish I could wipe that smug look off Bartise’s face.
Speaking of Nancy’s family, Steven is deserving of an Oscar, or at least a supporting role in a Hallmark movie. I knew it was about to get good when he uttered from the pew, “What the fuck are we doing this for?†And readers, he has a point! Nancy, as she laters reminds Bartise, says her one fear was being blindsided. She calls him out for the stupid shot he sent to her and calmly tells him that he gaslit her and that their relationship means nothing to her now. Bartise replies with perhaps the craziest thing we’ve heard from him yet. He tells Nancy that it’s wild to hear her say that, considering she just said “I do†to him at the altar. He literally says to her, “How can you flip the script so fast like that?â€
BRB, I need to wipe the tears from my eyes because I am now laughing so hard that I’m crying. Nancy’s a better woman than I am. She evenly reminds Bartise of what just went down: That he rejected her at the altar! She was saying yes to a Bartise who was saying yes! But now? Now they’re done for good. And if Nancy wants any reassurance that Bartise did her a favor, all she need do is watch his confessional, where he refers to himself in the third person.
(Side note: Does anyone else think that Nancy sounds exactly like Hilary Duff?)
I’ll be honest, I really didn’t think things were going to get much wilder than Nancy and Bartise. I predicted another rejection or two, but firmly believed they would take the crazy cake. I was wrong. What Zanab said to Cole at the altar will go down in Love Is Blind history.
As she gets ready in the bridal suite, she expresses her concerns and doubts. She tells her stepmom Beverly that throughout the entire process, she’s just wanted it to work so badly. She says, minutes before the wedding, that she isn’t sure if she’s ready to get married. She tries to reassure herself, and us, that it’s normal to second-guess walking down the aisle. Butterflies? Sure! Actively second-guessing the decision to marry the person waiting at the end? Not sure how “normal†that is. But I would be second-guessing marrying Cole based on his outfit alone. It seems to me he suffers from Bartise bowtie syndrome.
I knew she was going to say no the second she looked at the two empty chairs reserved for her late parents. Did anyone else catch her shaking her head? I did not know, however, that she was going to unleash seven weeks of resentment onto Cole.
Let’s roll back the tape.
Zanab: “Cole, you have taught me so much†— blah blah blah, let’s get to the point — “I think I have a really good idea about the type of woman that’s gonna love you the way that Cole needs to be loved every day for the rest of your life. I think you and I both know that that is not me, as much as I have wanted it to be me, and have tried to manipulate myself to be that person for you. The last two months have not been picture-perfect. You have disrespected me. You have insulted me. You have critiqued me. And for what it’s worth, you have single handedly shattered my self-confidence. And I hate that you have had that kind of effect on me. And the messed-up thing is that I know I love you. I know I love you. But everything in me and the logical part of my brain tells me that love shouldn’t feel this way. Love shouldn’t hurt like this. I can’t marry you, and I don’t.â€
And then she bends over, heaves a sigh of relief, and exits to the applause of her guests.
My jaw is still on the floor. I really didn’t think Zanab had it in her! Was this the right time or place? No … But Beverly is still proud of her! Marriage with Cole would have been miserable. He doesn’t have a headboard! He has flies in his toilet! His family wouldn’t even meet her off-camera! This is all on top of the fact that this couple is not a good match! They may claim to love each other, but they definitely don’t like each other. We learned last episode that Zanab harbors real contempt for Cole, and he definitely does not respect her.
Do I think Zanab’s little speech was harsh? Sure, but not any more harsh than Cole saying she’s a nine out of ten while Colleen is a ten out of ten, telling her to be sweet and unassuming, or asking her if she’s bipolar because she dares to get emotional. Again, it’s hard to root for either of these individuals. I don’t know if Cole is more hurt by Zanab rejecting him, or the rejection in general. I am not sure how much his fragile ego can take, and it’s clear he’s trying to posit himself as the victim almost immediately. Him retorting that Zanab had him fooled big time… I once again have to laugh.
I deeply hope that Zanab learns how to love herself. Witnessing her insecurities get the better of her was hard to watch. She carries true grief; losing both parents at a young age leaves a person with a hole that will never be filled, especially by someone else, and I want her to be able to self-soothe instead of relying on someone to do that for her.
Now onto the happy couples.
Of course Alexa and Brennon get married! No surprise there. Alexa dreading the act of getting into her Spanx and wedding dress is relatable, and her dad tearing up before he walks her down the aisle is a sweet moment. I am happy for them and think they’ll be the next poster children for the show. Move over Lauren and Cameron! I also want to note Brennon’s vows, particularly the line, “I will not possess you, for we belong to ourselves.†I do not know if he made it up, but I appreciate him saying it nonetheless, especially in contrast to all the other male contestants this season. I bet these two have a real wedding later in life. Maybe they’ve already had it. I don’t think this cookie-cutter Netflix ceremony is going to cut it for our girl, and I don’t blame her!
Is it a copout for me to say that I am just so bored by Colleen and Matt? I didn’t know which way this couple was going to go, and I didn’t really care. They’re married! Great! I wish them the best, truthfully! I love Colleen’s Greek chorus of friends and did have a laugh after she reminds them that she’s never felt this strongly about a guy, because, well, she’s 25. Not loving someone by then is normal! 25 is quite young! I am still scarred by the shade of baby blue Matt chose to wear on his wedding day, as well as Colleen admitting that her usual type is “frat daddy,†but I am learning to let go of things I can’t control. Quoting Shrek in their wedding vows seems perfectly them, and that’s all I can say about that.
So, once again, we ask the age-old question: Is love truly blind? I hate to say it (do I?), but the answer is clearly no! Bartise and Cole spent the whole season telling their fiancées they weren’t hot enough, and only two couples got hitched! And yet I will be glued to this show for all eternity, even as it spirals further into disarray and recruits contestants who have no business being on reality TV. In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, I will be watching.