Two things you should know about me: I love yoga, and I love an edible. Although I live in a state where it’s legal, I like to save my THC-infused treats for special occasions, particularly when I have time to zone out to the sound of old Housewives episodes, Atlanta being my go-to. I also practice yoga daily, accompanied by the sound of Tibetan singing bowls, which help ground and calm my energy. So you can see why I nearly mistook the sight of Phaedra Parks playing singing bowls while wearing a yellow caftan, hair wrapped in a white scarf, with her version of “natural†makeup (a thick layer of foundation and contour with a dramatic cat eye), for a cannabis-induced dream combining two of my favorite things.
But no, I was completely sober, and reiki master is just the latest iteration of the constantly shape-shifting Phaedra Parks, Esq. She goes by many identities — Phaedra is an attorney who accepts stacks of cash in parking lots, an ex-wife to a felon, a fitness video creator, a certified mortician, a wearer of wigs, and a mother to both a president and a prince. And, according to her Twitter bio, she’s a “lifestyle guru†and a “Wilhelmina model.†Though she would simply consider herself an eccentric jack of all trades, longtime viewers of Phaedra know there’s an underlying sinister quality about her many questionable identities. And no matter how many rebrands she undergoes, she’ll never be able to shake the identifier that hangs on her like an albatross: being Bravo’s most infamous liar.
It’s unnecessary to recount all that was morally questionable with the lie that led to Phaedra’s termination as a Housewife; it’s been beaten to the ground so much that dissecting it would feel like an exercise in virtue signaling. So, as a fan of Bravo villains, I figured if the powers that be were going to force Phaedra back on my screen, I hope she makes it worthwhile by leaning into her nefarious side, making that albatross earn its keep. We got that for a bit with her messy behavior earlier this season when she brought Quad to Tea’s bachelorette and assisted with the resurrection. But, above all, Phaedra’s central identity is that of a strategic hustler, and the moment her allegiance to Quad threatened her status on the show, she dropped her friend and slithered into formation with the Core Four to preserve her job. Boo hoo for me because that means Phaedra shape-shifted into her most affable personality yet, which is that of a spiritually awakened reiki master.
Could the ridiculousness of this new version of Phaedra liven the show up enough to fill the space of Quad’s absence? The paradox of the person we know Phaedra to be and the person she’s cosplaying as is amusing, but ultimately, the episode still struggles with bringing entertainment without its key player. Mostly, the other women give us more mediocre scenes involving their home lives. Jackie’s scenes suck the most, as after her statements on Heavenly’s channel came back to bite her in the ass, the episodes airing week to week are increasingly damning, her words highlighting her hypocrisy and digging her into a deeper hole. The cameras capture another appointment with Da Brat, with Jackie preaching for Black pregnant women to “ask questions … when something doesn’t feel right, seem right, look right, sound right, smell right, make sure you say something.†Maybe this only applies to her A-list patients, not women trying to weasel a day off work. Also, where the hell has Curtis been?
Toya and Eugene attempt to liven up their marriage after finding themselves stagnant in their routine. At the beginning of their relationship, Toya lavished Eugene’s romantic nature; she says he was the type of guy who, upon hearing her favorite food was cherries, would plan a date to a cherry festival. Granted, this was before he climbed the medical ladder to become an established emergency medicine physician with grueling work hours. But to Toya’s point, you must put energy into a relationship to keep it afloat. I’ve never been married, but I love the age-old advice that the best way to maintain a marriage is by always treating your partner as if you’re still dating and trying to woo each other. Eugene follows this train of thought by planning a unique date night at Buckhead Butcher Shop, which is a gourmet butcher shop/restaurant where the meat is prepared during an elevated private meal experience. Toya gives Eugene a seven out of ten; the effort was surely there, but we could all see that he curated the date to his interests more than hers.
Simone and Cecil take the final steps in not-so-gently nudging Miles and Michael out of the nest. As they help their boys move in, Simone litters their new apartment with multi-colored condoms in every nook and cranny to ensure safe sex. They toast to the next chapter in their journey while we all send a prayer for Simone, who still has one kid at home who goes by the name of Cecil. Meanwhile, Heavenly and Damon reminisce over Alura’s imminent departure to FAMU. Heavenly brings up the conversation she had with Alura about making amends with her estranged sister, Denise, which comes up again at Phaedra’s reiki session. Surprisingly, despite being skeptical in that classically Christian way (don’t forget, Jesus covers her!), Heavenly was the most moved by the reiki … well, maybe not totally surprising as she has the most emotional baggage on the cast, especially with mending things with her sister being on the forefront of her mind.
For those who haven’t heard of reiki, it’s a form of energy healing that originated in Japan, where practitioners transfer energy through the palms of their hands, a movement Phaedra describes as “bringing the body to a homeostasis position.†Phaedra says she benefited from reiki during her divorce from Apollo, and now, she has been working with Shaman Rah, an ordained minister, to learn to practice it herself. Shaman Rah leads a sound bath while Phaedra, with her Cheshire cat grin, walks around the room of meditating ladies and hovers her acrylic-finger-tipped hands over everyone’s bodies while periodically playing a wooden flute like a cartoon snake. Then, after the group session, Heavenly volunteers for individual time. The rest of the women congregate outside for refreshments as Phaedra and Shaman Rah turn all their energy to Heavenly. Heavenly seems open to reigniting a relationship with Denise, but she needs to do some soul-searching on her part in the ordeal. We don’t know the details about their relationship, but we do know Heavenly is the queen of deflection, and she’s still referring to her sister as “that bitch,†so I can’t imagine she’s completely innocent. Phaedra actually offers sound advice, stating that since the situation is weighing on her so much, obviously, conversations need to be had, even if it opens a can of worms.
Outside, Tea shares the details of her diagnosis with the ladies, updating them on the possibility that she may have endometriosis. She has two bilateral cysts measuring about five centimeters, which is severe enough for surgery. The OB/GYNs explain that even with surgery, there are still risks involved with Tea carrying a pregnancy to term. Right after the surgery, there is a window of opportunity for Tea to have a child naturally, but there is a chance the endometriosis will return. Simone shares that while around twenty percent of couples will not be able to procreate in the traditional sense, there are other options, including surrogacy and adoption. They’re all incredibly supportive, even making Tea laugh when joking about Gregory’s sperm count. It’s a tender moment, but all I could think of was Heavenly and Tea’s fight over IG live last week. Every week, Heavenly and various cast members watch the episode live with fans, and, more often than not, it results in conversations funnier than what’s going on during the show. This particular session got explosively chaotic, with Heavenly alleging that Tea knew about her fertility issues prior to starting a relationship with Greg, a theory many fans agree with after watching last week’s episode.
The live was a ping-pong match of shade, beginning with Tea calling Heavenly a grandma, prompting Heavenly to accuse Tea of marrying her grandfather. This earned a quip from Tea about Heavenly’s deceased mother being in hell, causing Heavenly to go entirely off the rails, claiming that Gregory would eagerly get back together with Quad if given the chance before going in on her fertility. After the below-the-belt fight, Tea took to social media again to claim that Heavenly told her she believed Mariah did, in fact, have receipts in season six, [Insert Mariah saying: Do I need to bring the receipts, baby girl?!] proving that Damon cheated. I have a feeling the not-yet-filmed reunion will be one for the books.
Doctor’s Orders
• I am ecstatic to catch up on the second season of The Traitors; Phaedra is born to be a plotting and scheming villain, not a yoni egg-touting spiritual guru … though I imagine she could be a successful cult leader.
• Although personally, it didn’t at all cross my mind when I watched her scene at the doctor’s, now that I’m thinking about it, if Tea possibly did know about her fertility issues before Gregory, I wonder if she just banked on the probability that he would pay for a surrogate. She might be smarter than she looks.
• Simone’s crush on the reiki master was sending me — I know she wishes Cecil would just move in with those boys so she can live her full life with a sexy shaman. I can see it.