Tens! Tens across the board for this show! Admittedly, a lot happened in this episode without advancing the plot very much, but I assume that is because we are moving pieces into play. We have a brothel intrigue, two murders (I’m counting the dog), two attempted murders, two gay sex scenes (HURRAY), and a fantastic slaying-by-words from Lady Hatton.
Also, King James is a bottom, which I would say makes sense, but I have literally never cared about James before and, therefore, know very little about him. He was really into witches? And there is the King James Bible, which, for context, was published four years before this episode takes place. But other than that, no idea. I think he maybe wore one of those pilgrim buckle hats, although according to our fearless guide, Wikipedia, they never really had buckles. Pretty disappointing. I can also report that Tony Curran, who plays James, does look shockingly like his portrait, which is a great job on the part of the casting department.
We start out with Mary Villiers going to a brothel to meet James’s English guy, Sir David Graham. They are scheming. Mary meets a sex worker named Sandie, and they have some good chemistry. Also, random hats off to Julianne Moore for kissing ladies onscreen well before everyone else was doing it. I see you, JM. I see you. I again cannot believe this woman is in her 60s; put her in the Louvre.
Mary and David discuss how to get George in front of the king so George can replace Somerset. David’s plan (terrible) is to tell Mary about a “secret†road the king will take, except it turns out everyone knows about this road, and George falls in the mud while chasing the king’s carriage along with all the other king fans. It’s very embarrassing. So now we know that David fails at king-seduction ideas. He’d probably tell George to wear a sexy hat, although, given the time period, that one might work.
Mary is still interested in her other children, but mainly just George and John. John has strangled a household dog, which we very fortunately don’t see, and later, we learn he just didn’t know how else to make it be quiet. It’s the 17th century, and they don’t have a lot of resources for John! Mary is determined to get him married, though, to try to ensure his future. To that end, Sir Edward Coke, his wife Lady Hatton, and their daughter Frances all come for dinner.
U.K. treasure Nicola Walker plays Lady Hatton, and now she is my second-favorite character after Mary. Lady Hatton has all the money from her first husband and says whatever she feels like, and she feels like saying a lot. She’s blunt about the dinner’s purpose and is aghast that Mary thinks John is good enough for Frances. She reads every single person at the table and leaves. It’s like watching Bianca Del Rio, but meaner. Also, chef’s kiss to the moment when Sir Edward talks about Elizabeth I’s amazing reign and Lady Hatton scathingly refers to Elizabeth as the “magic hymen savior of all mankind.†I love Elizabeth, but that’s so good.
Mary and George sit down and figure out how he’s going to bang the king. George is sure that if James sees him dancing, it’s all over. We later see George dance, so … I have questions. Mary gets an in with Queen Anne, and Anne decides George can try to replace Somerset because she hates Somerset. So they get George dancing in front of James as part of a masque. George does a sprightly little 17th-century dance that’s at odds with the eerie, moody music playing under it, and James is into it. Really? I know this show is going for more verisimilitude than A Knight’s Tale, but I really would’ve enjoyed a Step Up–style performance, as period dances have a lot of funny kicks and it’s hard to get “that’s one sexy fancyman†from them.
James knights George as a Gentleman of the Bedchamber, so he helps James dress and hangs out in James’s room with a lot of other young men. He’s just a super hetero king with his handsome young male friends bathing him; nothing different about that. Somerset has George in his sights as a rival, and Somerset comes across as a psychopath, so he has no issue with killing someone in his way. Look out, George! We need to continue to watch your handsomeness! Although, to be fair, Somerset is also very handsome. They can both stick around. (JK, no, they can’t.)
Meanwhile, Mary is banging Sandie, the sex worker! Chemistry validated! I have to say, I was very disappointed that we went from Mary saying that bodies are just bodies and that Sandie is in charge to them just being in bed. While I do appreciate finally getting gay in my period dramas, I demand slow undressing from complicated historical clothes. Instead, Sandie just fingers Mary. (Can you imagine showing up for work and your job is you have to fake-finger Julianne Moore? What a wild day.)
Mary is followed to Sandie’s by Sir David’s henchman. The henchman tortures the guy from the last episode, who is her … accountant? That can’t be right. Anyway, the maybe-accountant tells the henchman about Mary’s real past and how she isn’t part of the nobility. So now Mary has to deal with that whole mess.
Meanwhile, Somerset is trying to murder George during a royal hunt. Period dramas now love a CGI stag. I’ve seen so many. Somerset pushes George off his horse, but James comes back for him and gives George the honor (?) of killing the not-real stag. Romance! By the way, James’s son, Prince Charles, just keeps standing in the background of scenes like a little dweeb, and it’s funny every time.
Mary and Sandie feed Sir David and his henchman poisoned prunes (okay!), and he calls Mary a perfidious harlot, which is fun. Sir David dies, and Mary and Sandie think both the men are dead. Mary tells Sandie she is trying to protect her son from the “true barbarism of the world†by just taking care of business herself. But the henchman lives! Oh no! He saws off Sir David’s finger with a ring on it and gives the ring and the evidence of Mary’s past to a new mysterious man. Who is he? Did we already see him and I missed it? So many of these men have little pointy beards!
James comes to see George in his tent, and they have sex for the first time. I wasn’t not into it. James tells George, “Bury me,†and it’s like, power dynamics. A+. Love it. So now we have to find out if Mary continues her affair with Sandie; who that new bearded man is; will James and George continue to have hot tent sex; and can Lady Hatton please return?