Monica Saltburned ’Em

Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photo: Meredith Andrews/Bravo

This piece was published last month in the middle of RHOSLC’s season as part of Vulture’s 25 Days of Reality celebration. We’re republishing it today in honor of last night’s explosive season finale.

What a debut Monica Garcia had on The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. She started as an unnamed, unfilmed minion of Jen Shah; ended one of her first talking heads with “And that is how I became a witness with the federal government�; called out Lisa Barlow on her Marie Antoinette–level materialism; and is now sitting next to Andy Cohen at the reunion. (Oh yeah, and she’s Vulture’s No. 1 Housewives rookie.) Waves have been made in the Great Salt Lake, and they’re big ones. Monica hijacked the story with contempt in her heart and malice in her eyes. Let’s face it, she Saltburned them. 

Saltburn is only the latest in a grand tradition of “normie scams their way into the rich people’s party� stories (see: The Talented Mr. Ripley, The Secret History, Mean Girls). A middle-class protagonist weaves their way into a tight-knit group of sexy, high-status people and wrecks the equilibrium of their closed-loop system. For the sin of letting a rando into the group, the hot people get their shit rocked. Spoilers for Saltburn, I guess: The film follows Oliver (Barry Keoghan) as he worms his way into the Catton family; his main object of obsession is the wealthy, easygoing Felix (Jacob Elordi) … or is it? In the film’s final reel, we learn Oliver’s ultimate target was the family’s enormous, ancient country estate. He orchestrated his meet-cute with Felix; seduced Felix’s sister, Venetia (Alison Oliver); befriended their mother, Elspeth (Rosamund Pike); and masterminded the exile of cousin Farleigh (Archie Madekwe). For much of the movie, we think we’re seeing one guy enamored by the new fancy-schmancy environment he finds himself in. Only at the end does Saltburn reveal he’d been pulling the strings the whole time. This is exactly what Monica brought to RHOSLC this season.

Monica is introduced as a former assistant of Jen Shah’s, so already she’s framed as a subordinate. Unlike Oliver, who fabricates his difficult backstory, Monica has real struggles — she’s poorer than the rest of the Housewives, is twice-separated from her husband, has a toxic mother, and is one of several cast members who left the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints — and she’s willing to lay it all on the table the minute anyone meets her. It’s Omega Dog posturing; in the SLC wolf pack, she begins by showing her belly to whomever she thinks is Top Dog (Angie K., then Lisa, then Mary). This is a posture, however. Monica and Oliver put on their “just a li’l guy� act as their way in.

Access to the inner sanctum is no simple task. Much of the SLC cast members have known one another for decades. Heather Gay and Whitney Rose are cousins, and Whitney is even descended from “Mormon royalty.� Angie K. and Heather have been frenemies since high school. On top of these pre-filming connections, the group has become further entwined through TV fame and weathering Jen Shah’s rise and fall. As Felix was Oliver’s entry point to Saltburn, Jen is Monica’s into the group. Similarly, Monica betrayed Jen, admitting she turned over information to the Secret Service in a bombshell confessional. (Remember: “And that is how I became a witness with the federal government.�) It’s the first hint she’s capable of slippery scheming, and that scheming has already paid off: She’s evolved from unknown friend of Jen Shah to full-on, confessional-giving Housewife.

RHOSLC is similarly haunted by the specter of homosexuality. Most don’t have the balls to go full come guzzle, and in Housewives-land, same-sex attraction is often positioned as a threat to the insiders’ status quo. In the case of RHOSLC, it’s the rumors and nastiness regarding Angie K.’s heterosexual hairdresser husband — specifically, that he’s allegedly only two of those three things beginning with H. Meredith alludes to the rumors, but Monica is the one who commits the “has rent boys across Salt Lake� rumor to tape. When confronted by Angie, who vaguely threatens sharing rumors she’s heard about Monica, Monica blurts out her own drama as a sort of gossip judo: “What do you got?� she asks. “Foreclosure? Check! Divorce? Check! Affair? Check!� She wields her intel in one hand while doling out her own backstory with the other, that way no one can throw nasty secrets back at her. Everyone is caught off guard.

Monica even uses this power against Meredith, who brought up the rumors about Angie’s husband in Palm Springs. When Meredith and Monica have a chat about Angie’s family possibly being part of the Greek mafia (a top-notch rumor), Monica pivots from being Meredith’s ally by going to Lisa with her suspicions that Meredith is spreading these rumors via anonymous DMs. Do we know if these DMs came from Meredith’s finsta? Or did Monica fake them, à la Oliver faking Farleigh’s plateware thievery? Where do the deceptions end?

Which brings us to the civil court of it all. This season started in medias res, with Heather Gay saying, “I cannot believe it’s her … how could she do this to us?� Fans suspect Heather is referring to the fact that Monica decided to come on the show knowing full well that she never paid $2,000 of a $2,449 injections bill from Heather’s Beauty Lab & Laser. According to court filings, Monica says the work was “botched� and that she suffered damage to her nose and lips. Heather and Monica are now suing each other, which probably explains their positions on either side of Andy Cohen at the reunion. We’ll have to wait and see just how far Monica falls from grace in Bermuda, but we know it was enough to keep her separated from most of the other ladies at BravoCon. And it put her right next to Andy for the reunion. Was that her plan all along? Did she orchestrate her own victory lap, metaphorical dick swangin’ to “Murder on the Dancefloor�?

Obviously, Monica Garcia is a real human being, not a dastardly villain out of Emerald Fennell’s horny imagination. She’s certainly not poisoning her crushes or taking anyone off their ventilator. Fans have speculated that Monica (1) stole Lisa’s $60,000 ring, (2) was the one who sent the DMs to herself, and (3) is staging all the drama with her mom for attention, but I think pulling off all three of these is a stretch. Monica most likely has the same aspirations as most Bravolebs: vanity liquor brand, healthy appearance fees, and all the free Restylane her face can handle. But it cannot be denied that she’s playing the Housewives game at an expert level. Like Oliver at Saltburn, we don’t know how much of this season was real or just part of her master plan. She may not have stolen anyone’s country estate, but give her time. It’s only her first season.