Well, it’s comforting to know that this show isn’t going full slow-burn with its romance. Sexiness was a huge ingredient in the original Mr. & Mrs. Smith — maybe the hugest ingredient — so it’s a bit of a relief to see the new John and Jane Smith dispense with the drama and hook up so quickly. As in the last episode, it’s the chaos and riskiness of a dangerous mission that allows them to let their guards down and connect.
“Second Date†prepares us for this inevitability early in the episode. John and Jane had a good “first date,†but they’re still feeling each other out — and both catch each other snooping through the other’s stuff. Jane goes through John’s bag while he’s meditating; John discovers Jane’s apparent cannibalism kink on her computer while she’s out getting bagels. It’s not until the final scene that he realizes she planted it there for him to find, knowing he’d fall into her trap and reveal what he thought he knew.
What are John and Jane’s responsibilities to each other as spies in an arranged marriage? As partners, they have each other’s backs, but how far should that go? We haven’t seen the boss they’re calling “Mr. Hihi†provide many rules. John speculates that the company might want them to really fall for each other, but Jane is set on her idea of professionalism, which means completely staying clear of all that. It’d be interesting to see the statistics on how many of these arranged Smith marriages develop into real romantic relationships. I guess it helps when they’re all attractive, but I’d assume plenty of the couples choose to go Jane’s route.
Regardless, it’s clear that John is falling for Jane. He gets jealous after she meets their interior-designer neighbor (Paul Dano!) and describes him as “hot.†He brings up sex with Jane in a way that communicates he’s totally down, basically pulling out a “just kidding … unless?†after agreeing not to. While John is theoretically doing all this for the money, he’s still drawn to the fantasy of having someone to come home to at the end of a long, bad day. He wants to settle down and get married one day — and when Jane suggests they make a pact to “part ways†after they’ve made enough money, she genuinely wants him to have that life. Of course, like any first-act-of-a-rom-com pact, it’s immediately destined to fail. Jane just doesn’t realize yet that she’s the one who could offer the type of life John’s looking for. She might even find that she wants the same life.
The titular second date of this episode is, of course, another mission. This one is classic spy-flick stuff: a black-tie silent auction where the Smiths are tasked with identifying the highest bidder of Warhol’s Silver Car Crash (Double Disaster), sticking him with a dose of truth serum, and recording any information he spills. Hihi makes sure to emphasize the most important rules: absolutely no casualties and absolutely no witnesses.
John and Jane both dress to the nines, though John ditches the Gucci jacket and scuffs up his shoes to disguise himself as a caterer — a role that will attract less attention, given how few Black attendees there are. Quickly, they find the target: a real-estate mogul named Eric Shane (John Turturro!?), who’s bidding $106 million on the Warhol. Pretending to be one of his old neighbors, Jane engages the quirky billionaire in flirty conversation, eventually picking up on his creepy interest in the cater-waiters. She finally gets Shane in a private room by suggesting they pay John to “do whatever they want.â€
It turns out Shane wants something very specific. After paying John, he orders him and Jane to get down on all fours and act like dogs, kissing and “learning each other.†When he gets on their level to join in, John and Jane have the same idea: Stick him with the truth serum. Unfortunately, they misread each other’s signals and end up stabbing him at the same time, triggering an overdose.
Here’s where Turturro really gets to let loose, and we see why he was chosen for this role. Stumbling back to the auction and clambering up onstage to take the mic after his (anonymous) bid is announced, Shane goes on a glorious rant about his billions of illegal dollars, individually calling out other billionaire attendees and their islands (one for embezzlement, one for sex trafficking). When he collapses and goes into shock, John and Jane somehow manage to drag him out and into their car.
They try their best to save Shane, speeding home and talking to him to keep him awake, but they don’t find an EpiPen in time. In his final moments, he muses about his life of loneliness. It’s a sort of warning to the Smiths, especially Jane: This is what could happen if you pursue money at the expense of real connection.
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It must be said: John and Jane really aren’t good spies at all, are they? It’s probably my biggest reservation about this show so far. Yes, I know they’re supposed to be dumb, and it can be fun when the show treats them as audience surrogates, like in the amusing body-disposal sequence. I’d probably gag a little, too, if I had to break the arms and legs of a dead body. But it’s quickly getting a little silly just how much attention these spies manage to attract wherever they go. I’m also a little skeptical that the composter on the roof is the best place to hide a body, but knowing John and Jane, they’d manage to drop the carcass in the middle of Times Square if they tried to actually move it somewhere. Philip and Elizabeth Jennings these two are not.
After that traumatizing experience, all John wants to do is veg and watch cartoons in their beautiful home theater. Jane joins him, and after a funny conversation where John goads her into imitating the voice of the racist Mammy Two Shoes character from the original Tom & Jerry cartoons, he makes a throwaway comment about their shitty day. Maybe that’s what gets Jane thinking again about that fantasy John described that morning: coming home to someone who cares about you after a terrible day. She asks if he wants to kiss her — “not as dogs this time, just actually†— and thus, a pact is broken less than 24 hours after it was made.
But if John and Jane do intend to build a real life together, as both romantic and professional partners, they’ll need to step up their game. They’ve already failed one mission. Two more strikes, and they’re out.
Flaps and Seals
• I wasn’t expecting to see Dano, especially in such a small role (so far?). Based on his questions about the “freelance†guys who did their home, he already seems suspicious of their software-engineer cover stories.
• “You can always count on him to leave photos of his dick taped under the newest intern’s desk. Real, filmed photos. Like, developed at Walgreens.â€
• After John reports the casualty to Hihi, he adds a quick “sorry.â€
• I haven’t talked much about the music yet, but I’m really digging David Fleming’s playful score. And I had to appreciate the use of “Sandstorm,†by Darude, as Shane dies.
• Okay, I’m just going to bring it up once here so I don’t have to again. Remember on “Freaks and Geeks†when Childish Gambino rapped, “Love is a trip, but fuckin’ is a sport / Are there Asian girls here? Minority report� Or on “Break (All of the Lights),†when he rapped, “Hollering at this Japanese girl, Asian mommy / But is it too soon for Japanese girls? Too tsunami? / Is it racist if I say she tastes like edamame?†Or on “Bonfire,†with “This Asian dude, I stole his girl, and now he got that Kogi beef� Or on “Backpackers,†with “I got a girl on my arm, dude, show respect / Something crazy and Asian, Virginia Tech� Glover has come a long way, of course, but … feels relevant.