This week, on our favorite television program, Rich Women Doing Things, the rich women did things. They tried on $1 million yellow diamond rings made by a guy named Jason of Beverly Hills like he’s Anastasia’s brother and he’s going to give us a year’s supply of makeup for winning Drag Race. They had baseball catches with their sons in the park while the women who set up an elaborate picnic with signs, finger paints, tuffets, blankets, and drinks sat nearby, hoping that the exposure would help their business, only to be relegated to a silly joke at the beginning of the episode. The rich women also did nothing as their golden retrievers sat on chaise lounges by the covered pool, tearing apart some kind of yellow toy like they were Guy Fieri tearing into a plate of nachos the day after the Ozempic wore off.
But mostly, what they did was close out their personal story lines for the season. Yes, this felt like the first half of a finale episode where all the stories are tied up in bows neater than freshly trimmed pubes, and then all the women go to a big party, and that’s the end of it. Except this season, Kyle Richards ruined it by announcing her separation right after cameras went down, so next week we’ll get the big party and then Kyle having an intervention by producers where they chastise her for not speaking about her marriage for the entire season.
Speaking of which, let’s start with Kyle first. Her story line is that her relationship with her husband kind of sucks right now, and you could really see that in their scene together where she picks on him for having crumbs in his beard, and then he says that marriage counseling is “fun.†I’m with Mo on this one. I’ve been in marriage counseling, and it’s the best thing I have ever done for my relationship. Yes, it is fun (or “feels good,†as Kyle would prefer to say) to fix some of your long-standing problems. The best part of couple’s therapy is when you can tell the therapist is on your side on an issue, and you were right all along. However, the worst part of couple’s therapy is when you realize the therapist is not on your side and you have been the problem, and then it is the worst room in the entire world, and that includes the movie The Room.
Kyle and Mauricio have their chat, and you can tell that Kyle’s inner monologue the whole time is, Don’t think about Morgan Wade. Don’t think about Morgan Wade’s tattoos. Don’t think about the milky center between Morgan’s Wade thighs. Don’t think about how Morgan Wade smells when she leans in to kiss you. They give us the same bullshit about how they work too much but want to get back into each other’s lives and da, da, da. I found her conversation earlier in the episode with Sutton more revealing. She tells Sutton she spent so many years being a mom, doing pickups and drop-offs, and Mo worked on his career. Now that she doesn’t have to do that shit anymore, she understands what independence feels like, and, well, she don’t want to answer to no man, no mo’. (Or No Mo, in this instance.) Let’s see what next week’s big reveal about their separation shows us. And if Andy doesn’t ask if she’s boning Morgan at the reunion, then he’s fired.
As for Sutton, she gets two story lines to wrap up. The first is with her horse, Tagline. What became clear is that Sutton bought a horse but had not ridden one since before puberty. Lisa Vanderpump had two horses living in her back yard and she didn’t make it her story line; how did Sutton get away with this? Why is this lady buying a horse and doesn’t even know how to ride one? It’s like buying a whole DJ rig to be the next Tiësto but never having listened to music. Anyway, Santos is good, and Sutton is rich, and her husband is moving to London. Story lines complete.
Then she gets to go on a date with Steve, a guy who played a grocery-store manager in one episode of Fargo six years ago, sold his Hyundai dealership, and moved to L.A. to make it as an actor. It’s a very sweet date, and it was nice to see Sutton relaxed, having fun, and just a little bit flirty. When he says he’s going to throw his darts without looking, Sutton sidles up to his shoulder and gives it a little nudge with her nose. It was so sweet and adorable and clearly a move she learned from Santos, who flirts with Sutton the exact same way. Okay, so Sutton is potentially paired off and a horse girl. Story line complete.
Onto Garcelle’s house, where she and future model Jax make a PSA to raise money for Cybersmile, an organization that is not related to Homeless Not Toothless but sounds like it should be. The organization helps people dealing with cyberbullying, and Jax has some experience with that because someone (whose name probably rhymes with Schmiana Schmenkins) hired a bot army to come after him. While future Peter Davidson Jaid toys with the cue cards, the two dutifully read their lines, and then Garcelle tells the 15-year-old that he can sometimes take an Uber to hang out with his friends alone. Really? I once put my 13-year-old niece in an Uber alone in Manhattan, and she’s fine. I can’t believe this kid isn’t already doing this. Whatever. Story line complete.
At Annemarie’s house, she threw a party for Diamonds and Diplomats. I don’t know; it was dumb. When Sutton arrives, Annemarie gets her little lighty-uppy doctor’s scope out of her pocket, looks down at her gullet, and says, “You were right. It is quite small.†Story line complete.
At Crystal’s, there is an invisible FaceTime from her brother, and they forgive everything. It’s unclear because we didn’t see it. Story line complete.
But these two had their own story line to work out. At the Diamonds and Decepticons party, Annemarie pulls Crystal aside, and Erika goes, “Oh no!†because she is fully aware of what that invitation entails. However, when they sit down, Crystal says, “Wanna move on?†And Annemarie says, “Yup!†Done and dusted. The story line we never cared about is complete … until the reunion when Crystal comes for her to secure a fourth season.
Lastly, there’s Erika, who meets with her therapist, Dr. Jenn, on her back porch and, I don’t know, if Dr. Jenn can afford a house that big, why can’t she let anyone inside? Is she a secret hoarder? Is her living room like a swinger’s den? What is going on? Anyway, Erika talks about how she wants to have closure with the women because she felt like they didn’t support her when shit really went down, and Dr. Jenn told her that closure doesn’t come from others; it comes from you. Um, what is up with a housewife therapist actually dropping some real knowledge on us?
At the end of Annemarie’s Diamonds and Diapers party, Erika gathers all of the women together and says for the first time it seems like everyone is really getting along, but she didn’t feel very supported by the group as a whole when she was going through all the Tom drama. Immediately, Dorit’s evil alter ego, Karen Kemsley, crawls out of a Stanley mug in the center console of a minivan and says, “Well, actually …†and wags her finger like a magic wand that absolves her of any blame in the matter. Kyle says that she didn’t like how Erika handled some things, but she says she didn’t think Erika knew about any of the misdoings.
Garcelle’s response is loaded and a little unclear: “I didn’t want you to fall, but I had an opinion, and I’m going to stick by that forever.†I think it’s totally fair for Garcelle to hold onto her opinion even after all the court stuff is cleared up, but that she didn’t let us in on what that opinion is leaves room for interpretation. Is her opinion that Erika is evil and knew what was happening all along? Is her opinion that Erika did the best that she could under the circumstances? It could be anything in between, and we’ll never know.
The biggest reaction comes from Sutton, who was also Erika’s biggest critic, and she says she’s sorry for the hurt and blame she put on Erika that wasn’t hers. Regardless of how fans feel about Erika, it seems like this is what she and the group needed. She needed someone to acknowledge that they had made it worse for her than they could have and that some of the vitriol she had unleashed on the women over the last two seasons resulted from that hurt. At the end of the little cryfest, Erika says she didn’t think she would get an outpouring of support but appreciates the acknowledgment. She says that now they can all yell at someone else, and everyone laughed and we at home thought that we could finally move on from that story line. Then we remember that Erika’s spinoff special debuts in March, and Hulu just released the second part of Housewife and the Hustler. I’m afraid this is one story line that won’t be complete until the slow gears of the law finally stop grinding.