I think we need to rename this thing The Alexia Echevarria Show because she is carrying this whole damn revival on her shoulders. Her back must be tired. (Either that or it’s just embarrassed that her body had to support the iridescent green dress she wore to look at wedding venues that made her look like a 5-year-old doing Ariel cosplay.) From the start of the episode to the end, the only one who is bringing us the level of entertainment we’ve become accustomed to is the Cuban Barbie herself.
It starts off where the premiere left off, with Alexia on a couch with Marysol and her gay bestie talking about her dead husband’s former gay lover. Let those words marinate in your mind for a minute and savor the reality-television possibilities. The trio pulls up this dude’s Instagram and they all shout about how big his, um, how stuffed his, um, how… okay, fine. This dude is hung like the stockings by the chimney with care in the hopes that St. Nicolas soon will be there. But I was too distracted by his guns, and his tattoos, and his tiny bathing suits. I am not going to say that he is a stripper at storied Miami gay bar Twist, but every stripper I have ever paid to give me a lap dance at Twist has looked exactly like that.
I have seen pictures of Herman, Alexia’s late husband, and I am sure he was a lovely man, but seeing this dude’s Instagram makes me wonder if he was, perchance, compensated for his time. Even Alexia says, “Everyone in Miami is either a Realtor or an escort or both.†Not that I care if he is! Sex work is work, and it is work that I not only respect but also have had occasion to enjoy. But it does add a whole different layer to the conversation that Alexia is going to be having with this man in the next episode, which I can’t wait for.
The funny thing is that Larsa has just been ejected from the Kardashian diaspora and is on her own OnlyFans journey, and yet her story is way more boring than Alexia’s. Instead, we just get Larsa sitting on the bed with her nipple hanging out talking about how she sends foot videos to correctional officers for free to make them feel better about their bad days. Come on, Larsa. Let’s see a little hustle. She should get Herman’s ex-lover over to discuss how to make it on OnlyFans. Now that is a story. (P.S.: I loved the read the editors gave to Larsa by showing all the Kardashian exes and how much they make on OF, including Ray J, who makes $0 because he just joined. Damn, editors. Our boy isn’t even on the show and you did him like that.)
Alexia’s big story, however, is what is going on with her oldest son Peter and her fiancé Gringo Todd, who I have definitely seen on the DILF Mag Instagram account. (If only I would see him at the cruising grounds behind the Spanish Monastery.) “Something happened,†she tells us about the two. “There was a moment of hysteria and Peter is very hurt and right now my family is falling apart.†This whole situation is being teased out like the breadcrumbs luring Hansel and Gretel right to the witch’s gingerbread house. I don’t know if it’s Alexia who is doling them out or if it is just a keen edit, but I want someone to tell me the whole damn story so that I can make my own assessment. Even when she has lunch with Peter she says, “We all know what was said.†No, girl, we don’t. There is a third person in this conversation — it is the audience, and we are still in the dark.
By the end of the episode, we finally get some of this sketchiness filled it. Peter got his real-estate license and was working with Todd and “it didn’t work out,†which is a euphemism for “Todd had to fire his fiancée’s kid because he sucked so bad.†The inciting incident to the feud was different. Apparently, Peter decided to get stoned with Frankie, his younger brother who was in an awful car accident years ago and has had some challenges ever since. Peter was distracted by his phone and Frankie smoked way more than he should. Alexia and Todd were at the house and suddenly Frankie’s head fell onto the table and they had to call an ambulance because Frankie’s blood pressure got dangerously low. After that, Todd said something to Peter that hurt him and we have no idea what it is.
I am withholding final judgment until I get Todd’s quote, but I am already on his side in this argument, and I have only seen Peter onscreen for about five minutes. After a brief assessment, I can tell you one thing: This kid is a dick. That is the only way I can describe it. The biggest red flag is that he drives a Tesla, and you know it’s not because he wants to save the planet but rather because he loves Elon Musk and is probably one Burning Man away from launching his own crypto coin. He is also wearing an outfit with a flashy pair of sunglasses that can only be described as Paul Brothers lite.
While at lunch, Alexia says they might get married near his birthday, and he says he might not be around. For his mother’s wedding? Girl. Girl. GIRL. “Just because you decided to dive into this world of being married and having a new family and stepdaughters and all this doesn’t mean I need to be okay with it and participate in all of this bullshit,†he tells his mother. How did she raise this kid? Why is he like this? This is your mom. Even if you don’t agree with her life choices (and, yes, we still don’t know what Todd said), you can at least have some respect.
Then it happens, it really happens. When she says it would be nice to have his blessing, he mocks her right to her face, aping back, “Do you have my blessing?†in a voice that even Moe from the Three Stooges would find offensively sarcastic. Excuse me? I would try that once and my mother would reach across the table and pull out every single one of my nose hairs individually and then knit them into a rope to strangle me with. Alexia just sits there, letting her dick of a son trash her. Ugh, he’s just so awful. He’s just my type. Call me, Peter!
Alexia tells the story about her son and her fiancé at the party Dr. Nicole throws at her house. It is a sushi and sake party, which is fine by me, but did we need the woman dressed as a geisha with a table for a skirt and holding an umbrella? If a geisha is going to hold anything, it should be only fans. (Put that one in the Dad Joke Hall of Fame.) But isn’t this the cultural appropriation that the kids are always talking about? It’s great to enjoy Japanese cuisine, but isn’t this a step too far? Isn’t it a little reductive? Even if you’re not morally opposed, isn’t it just wrong to have someone staring you down when you’re trying to eat food from their table-slash-skirt? It doesn’t help that the geisha looks sort of like Pennywise hiding out in Tokyo waiting until the coast is clear back in Maine so he can go back and terrorize poor Jessica Chastain.
The rest of the story lines this season are progressing slowly. I love Dr. Nicole and her short king husband Anthony, but the “they’re not married!!†thing is shocking to no one except the exceptionally conservative Alexia, who thinks that every woman wants to be married. I love that Julia Lemigova drives a white car covered in paint splatters, but she needs to have more to do than a “will they or won’t they†with Adriana. Both Lisa and Larsa have given us nothing so far. The newbie who is growing on me is Guerdy, but I think that’s only because of the adorable story of how she met her husband in high school and the pictures of him from the prom. Teenage skate punk Russell was the man of my ’90s teen dreams, and I would let him ruin this and my successive six lives. All of the ingredients are there for a good season, I’m enjoying most of the cast, we just need everyone to meet Alexia on her level because she is bringing so much heat she broke the air-conditioning and now her house is cooled by … wait for it … only fans.