Of the many brilliant things in a great episode, the one that will haunt me in my slumbers is the Brady Bunch–style grid of all the different women fighting with different foes at Dr. Nicole’s Mamacita Brunch and Poetry Slam. That’s just what watching it felt like: different groups and factions yelling at other groups and factions about slights small and large, perceived and totally imagined. Based on that visual, I decided that today, the part of the usual RHOM recap will be played by this list of the different fights and feuds and who the winner is. Let us start with the biggest one first. [Ding-ding] “ROUND ONE.â€
Alexia & Marysol vs. Ana: The drama starts when Alexia and Marysol arrive and realize that their old co-star, Ana Quincoces, is coming to lunch at Adriana’s invitation. Marysol says that Ana wants her dead, but once again, we just see that her daughter called her a “rotting corpse,†which is very different from wishing her dead. We do see another clip of Ana on a podcast saying that Marysol’s tongue is so far up Alexia’s ass that you can’t tell where one starts and the other ends. Sorry, but no lies detected.
It’s strange because when Ana does finally arrive at the brunch, she is quite sweet. She brings a gift for Nicole and Anthony and tells Lisa that she’s supporting her in her case against the “asshole†Lenny. As fights erupt around her like zits on an oily 14-year-old’s face, Ana stays mostly quiet.
You would think that her behavior would acquit her, that the fact that she left the brunch without even saying a word or dropping a bomb would clear her. But that she accepted the invitation in the first place doesn’t say great things about Ana. She comes across as a Housewife who wants back on the show so badly that she’d come to make insinuations about Alexia’s financial situation without knowing anything about it. Her intentions were immediately apparent, and she failed miserably.
WINNER: Team Bro
Alexia & Marysol vs. Nicole: Bro & Bro decide to leave the lunch before it even starts and go to the yacht club for a bunch of drinks. However, when Ana starts talking, Lisa goes outside and calls them and says that they need to come back to the party to set the record straight. Alexia drives back in the Ferrari/Lambo/Porsche (should she be driving after all those cocktails?), and they take their seats at the table.
When they do, however, they don’t attack Ana or Adriana. They firmly have their sights set on Nicole, who they think is trying to retaliate against Marysol. Really? Why? Didn’t they bury the hatchet in the Aroma360 Clubhouse? Nicole makes a number of valid points. She didn’t know what happened ten years ago because she wasn’t around. And if Larsa, who was around, though pre-Ana, didn’t know, how could Nicole? Also, how is she supposed to know what Ana said on a podcast. I’m pretty immersed in Housewifery, and I didn’t even know about this until the episode. I feel like Nicole had met her a few times and thought she was nice; Adriana asked to bring her, and Nicole thought she knew the other ladies already, so it should be fine. I think Nicole, like all of them, was played by Adriana.
This is what I can’t understand about Alexia and Marysol. Adriana has been pulling these stunts since she was first cast on the show during the Obama administration. When they found out she was involved, why would they think this was Nicole’s plan and not Adriana’s? It’s like they’re accusing Nicole of stealing a cookie when Adriana is sitting right there with crumbs all up in her décolletage.
Where it really got bad, however, was when Alexia said the reason that Nicole’s mother wasn’t at the brunch was because she said Nicole was mean to her. First of all, low blow. Second of all, who among us hasn’t been mean to his/her mother once or twice? (Sorry, Mom!) Third of all, her mom wasn’t there because she was watching the kid. This isn’t the burn that Alexia thinks it is. We know Nicole had nothing to do with this, as should any reasonable person assessing the situation, but who said Alexia and Marysol were reasonable?
WINNER: Dr. Nicole’s enormous new house
Lisa vs. the Word “Heinousâ€: Nope. She can’t pronounce it.
WINNER:Â Hooked on Phonics
Lisa vs. the Honda Dealerships of America: Lisa rolls up in her housekeeper’s Honda, and it happens when Guerdy has just arrived in the parking lot and Marysol, Alexia, and Julia are still there fighting about Ana and Nicole. This ended up being a kind of perfect stunt. However, as Guerdy points out, lots of people drive Hondas and Lisa showing up in a supposedly grubby car that many of the viewers of this program do drive or have driven makes her look more out of touch than it makes Guerdy and the rest of the women look wrong.
WINNER: “Fonda ain’t got a motor in the back of her Hondaâ€
Lisa vs. Guerdy: The conversation about Guerdy’s car comment continues inside, and Guerdy elucidates a very good point to Lisa. Guerdy says Lisa should think, “Fuck the Phantom. I don’t give a shit if I’m in a Corolla because, guess what, I’m leaving with my dignity and my safety and my own environment.†Exactly. Guerdy’s point was not about the car; it was about Lisa choosing her kids and her sanity over luxury goods. She was saying that Lisa should be willing to do anything to keep her family going, including driving a “shitty†car, but Lisa doesn’t seem willing to do that.
WINNER: Guerdy
Lisa vs. Julia: After Lisa comes at Guerdy about her car comment, Julia tries to intervene, and Lisa turns her laser focus on what Martina’s bride said when they are all talking about Lisa back in Palm Beach. Lisa reminds Julia about her comment about whether or not she put her kids to bed before coming to the opera party. Lisa is upset that Julia said mean things about her kids. Julia says that she did not say these things.
This seems like a game of semantics. Yes, Julia did not say mean things about the kids, but she did question Lisa’s abilities as a mother at a juncture where she is still fighting for custody. This seems out of line. If the police had been called to my house, would I have put the kids to bed and then gone off to a party? No, but I also wouldn’t bring it up on television and then refuse to apologize.
WINNER: Lisa
Jill vs. Manly Jill: It’s doing Guerdy’s sister-in-law Jill, who has six kids, dirty showing how much she looks like her brother, Russell. I mean, the man has a face like a granite mountainside, which is great on a dude but not really on a lady. But, you have to admit, there is an uncanny resemblance.
WINNER: Genetics
Kiki vs. Adriana: I’m not sure what this fight is or where it even sprung from, but Adriana tells Kiki if she is uncomfortable with Ana around, she should leave. Kiki does. This is the appropriate response because Kiki already scored a home run when Lisa was asking all the women around the table their net worth, and Kiki said, “500 … dollars.†She wasn’t going to beat that.
WINNER: Burger Queen stays queen
Adriana vs. Larsa: “You weren’t even here for ten years; you were in L.A. kissing Kardashian’s ass.â€
WINNER:Â Adriana
Julia vs. Adriana: Perhaps the most interesting scene in the episode is when Julia has Adriana over for lunch to confront her about bringing Ana to lunch. Ever since Adriana told Julia about Alexia’s money problems, she knew that Adriana had brought her to that lunch to drop bombs. Yes, no bomb eventually went off, but you could hear it ticking under the table the entire time.
Julia wants to know Adriana’s intention in bringing Ana to the lunch, but she knows it as clearly as we do. She intended to make Alexia look bad. Adriana says she’s doing this to show how Alexia is hypocritical for criticizing Lisa’s finances but having messy ones of her own. I don’t think Adriana even believes that; she is just out for blood against her old enemies. What’s even more interesting is that when Lisa calls Alexia and tells her to come back to lunch, she says she and Larsa will have Alexia’s back. Lisa doesn’t even want Ana there if it means bolstering her argument, so Adriana is busted.
Anyway, Julia says it was meant to be a nice lunch, and Adriana knew that by bringing Ana, it wouldn’t be nice anymore; it would be conflict. Um, Julia. Do you know anything about your bestie? This is what she always does. She sews strife and discord, and when she’s called out for doing this, she pretends like she is being persecuted and not understood. That is exactly what happens here. Adriana tells Julia, “Don’t play devil’s advocate.†But that’s not what Julia is doing. She is trying to tell Adriana that she was wrong to do this, but Adriana can brook no criticism. She barges out of the house without even taking Julia’s opposition seriously.
WINNER: Who is full time, and who is the friend?
Guerdy vs. Cancer: The episode took a dramatic shift when it pivoted from the fight at lunch to Guerdy going in for her cancer surgery. We see her and Russell pull up to the hospital early in the morning, we see her intake, and we see her commiserate with her nurse, who suffered the same cancer and has been in remission for eight years. It was all terrible and heartbreaking.
I never like to think of these shows as being for the public good or making the world a better place. When we even it all out, it’s probably a net negative for our brains and culture at large (and I couldn’t be happier to ruin society like this). But I think about the real impact these scenes could have on the world, of the women who could get mammograms because of this, of the women who see their stories reflected onscreen for the first time. It’s wonderfully inspiring, especially because we know that Guery is going to come out the other side doing well.
WINNER: Guerdy
Me vs. Crying: No one ever wants to cry when watching a trashy reality show, but the moment Guerdy shuffles up the stairs and her 10-year-old, Liam, helps her walk up the stairs, I fucking lost it. Then Guerdy gets into her room, and on the bedside tables are cards from the kids, a photo of them where the frame says “I Love Mom,†and a bunch of blue Gatorade for her recovery. I lost it even more. Then, Miles, her 15-year-old, comes in for a long hug and a bit of a cry. I swear I even saw Russell’s granite face let loose a tear or two. We never know where these shows will take us, and it’s so wonderful to see it take us to a place of real, pure love.
WINNER:Â Crying