What does it say that the best moments of this episode were all about the past? Tamra gets into a weird dune-buggy-ass-looking thing, and Heather Dubrow tells her, “Don’t flip that thing,†just like she did back in the day at the Glamis Dunes. Then Tamra is at dinner with Taylor Armstrong and she orders “My Opinion†wine and is like, “Hmm, where have I heard that before.â€Â ROLL TAPE! Then when they’re going over Heather’s IMDb page at dinner, they revisit Malibu Country, and Tamra tells us that not only did Heather end up on the sitcom that offered a role to both Gretchen Rossi and Alexis Bellino, they offered a role to Tamra too.
Girl, that tea is not hot. It’s been sitting on Andy Cohen’s bedside table for ten years. It’s been there longer than his PReP prescription. It’s like Miss Havisham’s wedding cake at this point, with cobwebs grown over it and fake eyelashes stuck to the side and maybe a loose extension or two lying by it.
What’s great about Housewives, particularly RHOC, is that we’ve been with it for 17 long years, and it’s nice to have those flashbacks every now and again. But it seems like this episode was resting on it. There’s something about reality television that should feel like a ritual, like things are always a little bit the same. But when it becomes too rote, then it just becomes stale. It’s less like a meditation session and more just like standing in line at the Genius Bar waiting for someone to tell you that you will go without a laptop for a week as if that is somehow physically possible.
Look at the episode. We get the women going on a trip. They have to pick rooms and there is drama. They ride a mechanical bull, they make silly videos on a private plane, Shannon runs out of dinner to go put on a costume and thinks that it’s a big surprise, and the only thing that people are surprised about is that it isn’t as shitty as the bear costume from last season. Or maybe two seasons ago. See, just like my 20s, it’s all blurring together and I don’t think I ever want to go back.
And, just like the women, I once again have to reiterate that there is no such thing as “assless chaps.†All chaps are made without an ass. That’s like saying “flightless car†or “remorseful Danielle Staub.†It’s right there in the design. You don’t need to say that they are assless. Deep exhale.
That’s not to say there wasn’t much fun to unpick in this episode. I’m kind of living for this fight between Jenn and Gina, two former air hostesses both with four letters in their names but only one with the correct number of vowels. Gina says that Jenn trying to rationalize her infidelity is a trigger for her because of what happened with her and her ex, Matt, the definition of a red flag that I would totally fuck anyway. Matt was arrested for a domestic-violence incident with Gina that was covered on the show. She said she wanted her children to see that bad actions have consequences. Now that consequence is that Matt has a felony conviction, can’t get a job, and, I’d assume, can’t pay the sort of child support Gina wants. She says she is helping him get his record expunged to “save his family.†I mean, I get it, but also, isn’t this just showing the kids that their actions have consequences unless they’re white, attractive, and wealthy, and then you can just make all of those consequences go away with enough lawyers?
Anyway, the debate is about Jenn and Ryan’s relationship and just how faithful either of them can be. Apparently, Ryan is a bit of a playboy who has cheated on every serious partner he’s ever had. Jenn doesn’t seem to have the best relationship with monogamy, but she says she’s terrified of another failed relationship. Well, sweetie, there is only one solution and it’s the one straight people never want to hear about: an open relationship.
Ryan is going to sleep with other women. That is just a fact. He is going to do it whether or not Jenn likes it. Her choices are either to insist on monogamy, wait for him to cheat, and then break up, or they could talk about what is going on, put some parameters into place, and then find a way that ethical non-monogamy can work for them. So, yeah, if she wants this relationship to last, she better start letting Ryan take a few new ladies for a spin around the gym parking lot (if you know what I’m saying).
Next, we get everyone preparing for a trip to Montana by shopping for westernwear and packing it all up. Eddie comes into the bedroom to give Tamra her birthday gift, and it’s a pair of Louis Vuitton boots. I’m not entirely sure, but I believe they are from the Herman Munster collection that he did around 2011, and this is just further evidence that even Louis Vuitton makes mistakes. (God, I’m just as nostalgic as this episode.)
Then we see Shannon with her twin daughters, telling them that no boys are allowed upstairs when she’s out of town. Seriously? This reminds me of when I was in high school. I had a friend named Molly Dolittle, and her mother made her keep the door open if she had boys in her room. First of all, rules like this erroneously assume that everyone is heterosexual. Shannon would totally let Adeline have her best friend over and they could be scissoring like they just finished The Ultimatum: Lesbian Drama Edition, while Stella could have her best gay over and they’re doing absolutely nothing.
Secondly, if teens want to fuck, they’re going to fuck. They’ll fuck in your laundry room while you’re making Mac N Cheese in the kitchen. They’ll fuck in the car. They’ll fuck in the park. They’ll fuck in the gym locker room. If teens wanna fuck, they’re going to be fucking and no amount of “no boys upstairs†is going to keep that 17-year-old peen out of a 17-year-old veen. I’m not saying it’s right; I’m not saying it’s moral; I’m not saying it’s without consequence; I’m just saying that there is nothing stronger than hormones, not even Shannon Storms Beador’s disdain.
After the bull ride and while everyone is having dinner, Taylor Armstrong lets us know that she is bisexual, which means she is now technically the first Housewife under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, even if it took her after Braunwyn Windham-Burke, Julia Lemagova, and Jenna Lyons (for whom we pre-stan) were on the shows to actually tell us about it. In response, Jenn tells us that she once worked for Jet Blue, which is the bisexual of airlines. I will not be taking questions at this time.
The final fight is one of the pettiest, silliest, and dumbest of fights. It’s one that I would usually love, but it does feel like Malibu Country take two. Taylor says that Heather was condescending to her about her weird Oklahoma art curator movie, but Heather is condescending like most people breathe. She can’t help it, doesn’t know when she’s doing it, and would die if she stopped for more than a minute. Then Heather finds out that the producers wanted to see her acting reel because they didn’t know what she had done.
I’m sorry, but I’m with Heather on this one. They offered her a role, but then they needed to see her work? She’s too good for them, and then she’s not good enough. The whole thing reeks of unprofessionalism and story-line pandering, and I’m kind of here for it, but also I kind of don’t care. I don’t know. This is all bound up in old ideas, old expectations, old feuds and rivalries. Remember, you can never go home again, but if you want a Housewives trip to Montana, well, it seems like yet another one is entirely possible — even if you feel like you’ve seen it before.