My years working across the NYC-DMV corridor have taken me down some unexpected short-term career paths — nonprofit canvasser, pill-separator for a midtown private practice, third-party music licensing — yet I never was able to launch myself into the gauntlet of the service and hospitality industry. The tips-based world is not one I could ever thrive in; I have nothing resembling a poker face, and in the odd case you are not scanning my exact reaction to whatever asinine demand you made of me, there’s my signature New York resting bitch face, forged from years of warding off street harassment and late-night stranger interactions. If my $3.25-an-hour base-pay job required that I remain professional while drunk women screamed about sex acts they did with their octogenarian partners, I would likely be written up by a manager by the end of the night.
The service industry is full of God’s strongest soldiers, and they are truly underpaid for the conditions they work through. But thanks to their sacrifice, we get one of the funniest Potomac group scenes in some time. An offhanded Karen comment at dinner about not really eating because she’s “too tired to chew†— is that a thing outside of, like, dentures? — rapidly devolves into a lecherous convo about swallowing after oral sex and other bedroom flourishes. Robyn and Nneka are proudly Team Swallow; Mia was once a participant but declined to renew her membership once she secured her ring, which is perfectly on-brand for her. Ashley is not a participant but apparently liked to let Michael Darby fall asleep first before attending to disposal while it … I dunno, wafted around her mouth like it was a wine tasting? If you’re cringing in confusion and distress from that sentence, so was the Grande Dame, who screamed that her mouth was “held hostage by his cum.â€
The women are all in rare form. Candiace is agog that Wendy does the classic “catch and spit†and boldly admits to this group that she would consider urine play; no kink-shaming, but I would not be surprised if that doesn’t come back her way in the reunion. The girls speculate on who is open to ass-eating, which Mia and Ashley admit to doing and Gizelle seemingly punts on. In a move that surprises no one, Karen says everything and nothing from the peanut gallery, stating that “as you move forward in life, you have to come up with creative ways so you can please one another,†while also acting like she has never seen a penis in person before. It’s shockingly enjoyable banter that is a testament to what can happen when this group is able to commit to all-cast gatherings no matter all their differences.
Afterward, the girls drunkenly stumble to Robyn’s room for an after-party and Karen politely exits stage left, as does Gizelle, who is not about to remain stuck in a midsize hotel room with Wendy and Candiace if it is not a scheduled work event. Despite the simmering tensions between some of the women, they manage to tap into the fun energy of previous seasons: Mia drunkenly does her most absurd Alicia Keys interpretation, the girls continue to joke about swallowing, Candiace extends an olive branch to Robyn and asks to have a one-on-one conversation, and all seems to be trending upward. It’s a collective fugue state, a transient “girls’ bathroom at the bar/club†spirit that overtakes them as the margaritas work their magic. And then everyone goes to bed and sobers up.
At breakfast in Ashley’s suite, Gizelle resets the space and reminds Robyn that she let people she cannot stand come into her room. As the other girls file in, Ashley announces that they will be getting their Georgia O’Keeffe on, and the collective expression of disapproval is louder than Jennifer Hudson singing that “Vision of Love†cover. Listen, this activity was sorely unneeded. Not only were Candiace’s “roast beef†insults in her confessional unbelievably juvenile, but it’s also limiting to associate womanhood with reproductive organs for a variety of reasons, from fertility to transphobia to hysterectomy. Season-eight pinch hitter Karen Huger saves us all by calling the audible that the morning’s event will instead be “bring all of our grievances with Robyn to the table,†asking the question that many are wondering: What is Robyn actually going through?
Robyn is a frustrating topic to weave through, largely because she’s not a dynamic enough person for all of this emphasis. There are things she says that make sense for interpersonal relationships in real life but not for reality television, contradictions that she chooses to cling to that she knows are asinine but work for her. Saying that Juan “cleans his phone like crazy, and I can’t read any messages he sends†is a very different tune than “I trust and believe him and am not interested in what they said to each other,†and Robyn knows that, but she will look her castmates in the face and wonder why they keep coming at her marriage the way that she and Gizelle used to poke at theirs — particularly Karen, whom they pestered about alleged affairs and tax debts for the first three seasons. It is not a shock that Karen is pulling this lever, even if she won’t admit that it’s mostly out of pettiness.
To Robyn’s credit, she handles the firing squad fairly capably. She is right that she can withhold what she wants, as they all do, but what Robyn doesn’t understand is that a big part of why she is getting this fury is because of her association with Gizelle, who admits to receiving messages from the woman who contacted her and having discussions with her. Instead of having those conversations on-camera — which certainly is their right — Gizelle spent a good chunk of the season saying different versions of the events that happened with Chris. Call it a cover-up, protecting your friend, whatever you want — they chose not to bring it to television while a story line was built around Candiace’s relationship. Accountability is too strong of a word for co-workers who come together for drinks and trendy activities for a few weeks every year, but Robyn needs to accept that some people may feel that it reads like an intentional sleight of hand, the same way that Candiace has to accept that she cannot unleash her “righteous†fury and expect that everyone will accept friendship on the other side. When you light fires the way that Mrs. Deep Space does, you need to be prepared for the burnt bridge.
Where I fully am not entertaining Robyn’s frustration or right to nuance is the way that she is discussing the Coppin State basketball lawsuit. The allegations are very serious and traumatizing, and she and Juan are simply not the victims here. While the circuit court dismissed Juan and Coppin State from the original case filing, the judge gave the victim’s legal team time to amend, and now there’s a federal filing; Candiace worded it coarsely, but she is right that it was not smart for Robyn to speak on the case beyond legal recommendation, especially if it is just to focus on how they are suffering and “did everything right.†To be frank, if everything was done right, then there likely wouldn’t be a former teammate suffering from deep trauma and trying to have their wounds acknowledged, and that should be the core issue, beyond the ultimate legal liability. We are talking about a student who was in her partner’s custody, not a rumor on Deuxmoi. Even if the courts determine that Juan cleared his legal obligation, framing it as if they’re the ones being unfairly maligned is Erika Jayne levels of delusion, and if she isn’t going to talk to the other girls about it, then Gizelle or Charrisse should step up and be real with her about the optics — because they are horrible.
All in all, the best episode of the season to date. Hopefully we continue to trend upward. See y’all next week, when I will finally break the Eileen Davidson Accords.
Cherry Blossoms
• This prayer may be futile, but let this be the last episode we hear about the “shrine†drama after Wendy explains the Catholic context; either accept it or don’t. It has already spread to social-media back-and-forths between Nneka and Wendy in which they shared receipts that essentially confirm what we know: Nneka was trying to get on RHOP for two years — her husband had a faint connection to Wendy, and her husband helped pique the producers’ interest — Wendy and her sister have been standoffish toward and mistrustful of Lebe for some time, and things escalated from there. I know it was an overreaction to Mia’s bird joke, but Wendy drunkenly crying about her mom is probably the closest she’s had to a real moment with her co-workers in quite some time.
• That said, Wendy needs to do better with her off-the-cuff rebuttals when flustered. I deeply resent when I have to advocate on behalf of cast members whom I may not all the way even care for because they don’t know how to step up to the plate properly. It’s frustrating to watch a producer ask Wendy for a “crack receipt,†all because she couldn’t get her wits about her to say that, in 2019, Nneka wasn’t even with Ikenna or in the Potomac area to be pressed on who was getting invites to her events, unless Lebe fed that to her directly. Now we have to endure Ashley pretending to know the ceremonial importance of a gele and Gizelle of all people frothing up a conversation about the impact of defamatory allegations. Give me a break!
• The production team needs to take the money it invests into hamming up the editing and allocate it to the excursions. The struggle is getting embarrassing at this point. I don’t need a comedic jump cut on a bird or creative true-crime narrative reenactment; I do need Housewives to go on a vacation that I can’t afford myself. When the girls started dancing at an imaginary pool party for a hotel with views of construction sites, I knew things had gotten bleak. Cowboy-boot shopping? Walking? Whiskey tasting? These are all activities you can find on Groupon.
• No one is taking this divorce with Ashley seriously, including Darby’s Barbie herself, but she will do her damnedest to use that split to wiggle out of acknowledging that she likely knows plenty of details on the pending litigation between the Grim Reaper himself and Candiace. Let’s pack it up, remember to call her a liar at the reunion, and move on.