Welcome back to the greater DMV area, folks! And not a moment too soon — if I had to endure another week of the Beverly Hills Housewives community squabbling on social media over Kathy Hilton versus Lizard Rinna and the fight-that-shall-not be-named I might have pulled a Lorde and launched myself into the Potomac river to escape the misery. The Potomac girls are here to show everyone how it’s done, and I am so excited to be back on this journey with you all.
This episode is largely establishing what all the ladies are up to today and where they stand with each other, but it also showcases how the franchise has grown to the unexpected powerhouse of the Housewives empire. The mocking opening-sequence framing around etiquette is a truly inspired choice; as Potomac OGs will know, the first two seasons of this show was a mess of respectability politics and faux performance of high-class propriety, before the cast realized they needed to make good TV and Candiace and Monique kicked the series up another notch. The season preview is full of little callbacks for faithful fans — are we finally going to hear about Karen’s “Mister Blue Eyes†and her dalliances? Is that why Karen refuses to engage with returning “friend of†Charrisse Jordan, who originally outed her business in the 2017 reunion? Time will only tell.
But let’s start with the most important news: Our television screens are finally free of the pasty abomination that is Michael Darby, and if that isn’t a testament to the power of collective prayer, I don’t know what else is. Bravo had no business continuing to include him on the show after his repeated drunken altercations and alleged abuse of the crew over multiple seasons, but if I run down my list of transgressions that Bravo and Andy have committed in pursuit of entertaining TV, we will be here for longer than Robyn and Juan’s engagement. I am looking forward to seeing Ashley navigate life as a single mom and figuring out what that looks like for her — as is, apparently, Candiace, which is an unexpected and pleasant surprise, considering the very fraught ups and downs the two have been on throughout the seasons. When Ashley explains her reasons for separating, they are completely understandable; she is settling down into more of a full-time parenting lifestyle and wants to put her wilder days behind her; Michael has no intentions of slowing down his antics. Something had to give.
Single Ashley isn’t just knockoff Doja Cat impressions on TikTok and heavy bronzer, though (although I’m loving that she’s in her “Sandy in a Leather jacket from Grease†phase). A separation and divorce requires that she take some decisive actions to move forward for her and her two sons, and Ashley is understandably a bit hesitant to take the leap and move away from the security she built for herself. Luckily, she has already met all of the conditions of the prenup (and made sure that fans witnessed it on camera, which I’m certain was intentional on her part); but now that it’s time to pick a house and settle, she is foolishly looking into buying the house under a joint LLC, which is a rookie mistake when it comes to separating out assets. Her castmates think that she is lying about wanting to divorce, but I think she’s just being played by a partner who is making it seem like he wants to keep it as amicable as possible. Like her Uncle Lump told her, she needs a lawyer yesterday so that she doesn’t end up getting completely blindsided in negotiations.
Another person who desperately needs an advisor is Wendy Osefo, who is committed to doing way too much with no signs of slowing down. She is doing lesson plans, giving talks, working on her book, handling orders for her candle line … mama, you need to get an assistant and a business manager and learn to delegate ASAP. As a fellow control freak, I understand how hard it is to ask for assistance and let go of tasks, but there are only so many hours in the day, and you are only going to work yourself into the ground. I am speaking from experience as someone who is currently recovering from health problems triggered by overworking, and as the season preview seems to indicate, she will also learn this the very hard way. But for now, she is trying to create a Nigerian Busboys & Poets in Baltimore, and is recruiting Peter Thomas’ assistance to help execute her vision. Peter seems to be selling her a bit of a pipe dream — 20 percent return in the restaurant/lounge business, even after two years, seems ambitious, given the average margins in that sector — but hey, there is a large Naija demographic in the DMV, and if she can tap into the promoter circuit and get artists to do shows there, perhaps there is a chance that she really flips a bag.
Candiace and Chris are booked and busy. Her album has her touring with R&B legends and she’s working on new music, and Chris has a new job working at a fairly trendy rooftop bar at the Hotel Washington, which used to be the W ( there are genuinely great views up there). You would think now that they are firmly a double-income household in their dream million-dollar house that all is well — they are even starting family planning, with Candiace getting her eggs frozen — but the two just seem to be on different pages on what a successful relationship should be. Candiace seems to not understand that the hospitality and service industry comes with a lot of late nights and odd hours, and it is a current source of tension. I think they just continue to have a case of mismatched expectations, but their communication with each other remains horrible; I hope they begin going to counseling to resolve that. As we already know, fairly soon Gizelle will be inserting herself into their marriage and accusing Chris of inappropriate late-night behavior, so we will see where this goes, but Candiace has made it very clear on social media that there is no love lost between her and Ms. Bryant.
Speaking of Gizelle, she is large and in charge, and showing off her brand spanking new renovation, which looks absolutely mediocre. I don’t know which contractors she hired but I have seriously seen 90-day makeover jobs on HGTV that looked more impressive than whatever her house is supposed to be serving. Thank God she has her daughters to help save her from her terrible sense of taste; her healthy and open relationship with her daughters continues to be one of the best things about her.
Her bestie Robyn — who is in her As Told by Ginger era this season — is, of course, still unmarried. When she meets with Charrisse (and her new boobs), however, she reveals that she is interested in drafting a prenup, which makes me wonder if financials have been the main reason she’s dragged her feet in going to the altar thus far. From her perspective, she signed a prenup when she married an NBA player, and now that she is the primary breadwinner, it makes sense for her to protect her assets. I am totally on board with her logic there; where I hit the brakes is her position that housewives aren’t entitled to 50 percent of the assets generated in a marriage if that is what the couple has agreed to. Never mind it being the legal standard, it speaks to a complete devaluation of the labor of the stay-at-home parent. Robyn has spoken at length about how she was left to her own devices to raise the children while Juan was out doing whatever the hell he wanted; does she think full time child-rearing isn’t labor? The logic of depriving the stay-at-home parent is how many women were trapped in marriages for decades because they were unable to generate their own income. I know she has her resentments and mistrust with regards to letting Juan reap the benefits of how she rebuilt her life, but making a blanket statement like that is very irresponsible.
Mia is coming out the gate with controversy, which is positively unsurprising. She has moved to Potomac, down the road from Karen (who she has since, apparently, fallen out with). During this time, she was dealing with a serious health scare, which looked like it could be cancer; she ran to Instagram to express her panic, and then later clarified she was getting tested. This has been turned into Mia “playing about cancer†or “lying about having cancer,†which I don’t exactly think is the case. I am not seeking to play devil’s advocate here — I know she is prone to stretching the truth or giving her version of it, as is convenient — but as someone who has had several friends go through this process, and has recently gone through intensive testing for a battery of illnesses myself, doctors generally start with ruling out the most extreme cases first; and with masses, the first hurdle to clear is cancer, which is terrifying. I don’t think she should have gone to Instagram before knowing one way or the other, but I don’t think she lied for sympathy – she is dealing with a health issue, doctors are trying to figure out what it is, and she first went through oncologists.
This all comes to a head at Karen’s “Spring into Spring†party, where Gizelle confronts Mia over her social-media behavior and is rebuffed with a firm “fuck you.†Gizelle in turn hits Wendy with a strong heisman for attempting to say hello, literally saying “don’t touch me,†stating that it was the fakest shit she’s ever seen. Gizelle still smarting from Wendy’s ire with her last season is both hilarious and hypocritical; it is purely based on the fact that Wendy refused to genuflect and kiss the ring. Karen spent the entire season behaving similarly, and went so far as accusing her of having STDs, and those two are back to being the frenemies they have been since season one. Wendy just didn’t play the game of Housewives and accept that Gizelle is supposed to be the queen bee, and Gizelle is determined to punish her for it. In her words, “that’s not how it works in Gizelle’s world.†We’ll see how long that lasts, but we are certain to be in for an entertaining ride.
Cherry Blossoms
• I am glad that Karen and Gizelle are back to being frenemies. The show is at its best when those two don’t hate each other.
• Karen shows off her new boob lift, which is quite well done. Ray expressing concern about her vanity work, though, is a bit hilarious considering all the clear refreshing she has had done throughout the seasons.
• We get our first taste of Jacqueline, who immediately seems to have leapt to putting Mia in an early grave over her health concerns as opposed to just supporting her friend through a tough situation — we’ll see how her presence plays out.